Exposure

I was just looking at my exposure therapy plans and fleshing out the details looking at the TTC website. For example, my next step says, “Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station,” but how to do that? How to get to a busy station, how to get home from a busy station? Which routes are currently changed (e.g. Spadina streetcars were replaced by buses for a while, is that still happening?)

Looking at the service updates page, I noticed an item on the long-awaited Eglinton Crosstown line, and looked at the map. There’s a stop at Kennedy, near the Rama Gaming House where I had my fall. RGH is definitely a place I’ve thought of as a peak-stimulus spot on the exposure hierarchy. Lights and noise and a general sense of guilt… how would I work up to going someplace like that?

And just thinking about it, I tear up.

A little panic, a little fear. Could I go there? Just to walk in the door, look around, and then skedaddle off for a saving treat? I would need someone to go with me, who would go with me? 

Just thinking about it makes me cry.

Will I ever go to Bike Rave again? Will I ever even ride a bicycle?

How is this even happening?

Sometimes it just seems insane that I was transformed in the blink of an eye from someone who was out six nights a week, biking across the city to the theatre and Midnight Madness events that end at 2am while at the same time working at a day job. Seriously, in September I’d leave home at 8, bike to work (often arriving early, first person in the office), go on a group social ride after, and then see a show at 9:30—that was a Monday.

Funny, I remember thinking during pandemic lockdown—how is this happening? And then after things were back to normal—did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? 

I hope I get back to normal again. I hope there comes a time when I look back on these dark months as a wacky anomaly—“Remember the winter that I didn’t leave the house? That was so weird!”

I really need to believe that can happen.  

Is it me, or…

So I started a new migraine medication this week, propranolol.

Previously, I had been taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention, with mixed results (maybe it would have been worse without? But I did have that nasty incident that drove me to ER). A friend suggested I ask my doctor about Qulipta. My insurance wouldn’t approve Qulipta until I “failed” two other medications. So amitriptyline was one, and propranolol will be two—or maybe it will just work and I can stay on it?

Here’s the thing with propranolol—the side effects include lowering heartrate and blood pressure. For most people, that’s a win. As someone with low blood pressure normally, it makes me a lil nervous. I already have issues with feeling lightheaded if I stand up too quickly, and now we’re doubling down on that? Hmmm…

My first treadmill run the day after starting it went really well. It was the first day of week 5 of Couch to 5k, which feels like a bit of a jump from week 4 (week 5 feels like a bit of a jump every day). I was pleased at how manageable it seemed, and noted also that my peak heartrate wasn’t as high as it had gotten two days prior when I was finishing up week 4. Meds, maybe? 

Today, though, I just felt off. My skin felt prickly? Or almost pins-and-needles but not quite? I repeated day 1 (5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog) instead of progressing to day 2 (8 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 8 minute jog) because 5 minutes of jogging felt like I was really pushing it. Afterwards, my skin was super blotchy—really flushed in some areas (face, chest), really pale in others (neck). 

Blotchy!

So, I thought maybe I should look up the side effects (up till now, I’ve only known what the doc and pharmacist told me). Here we go…

From Migraine Again:

Propranolol is a beta-blocker medication developed in the 1960s to treat chest pain and high blood pressure… By blocking adrenaline, propranolol slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces the dilation of peripheral blood vessels (is that where the blotchiness came from?)… Propranolol may also reduce stimulation of the trigeminal nerves in the head, which contributes to the migraine process… Common potential side effects of propranolol include:

• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Drowsiness
• Fatigue
• Nausea (hmm, my tummy has been off lately)
• Exercise intolerance (ah, maybe that’s it)

Some readers reported intolerable side effects:

“I tried it, but it made me feel spaced out, I couldn’t concentrate, and my brain was always fuzzy—I’d rather have a migraine!”—GW (I am definitely spaced out, but I was already kinda spaced out, so…) 

“It did nothing to prevent migraine and gave me horrendous, vivid nightmares. I would not recommend it.”—MLA (not nightmares, but I have had difficulty sleeping and some vivid dreams!)

I was worried about having a “hangover” effect after last night’s struggles, but not doing too badly today (although I did almost start crying for no apparent reason on the way home from the gym). So maybe it’s helping with the anxiety too, which it is also supposed to do?

Guess just have to wait and see; often side effects go away as the body gets used to things.  

Oof

So I am just getting back from a very small social event that I went to half as a test to see how I would do. (I realised last week that while I have mastered the art of being with one person, I haven’t gotten much farther than that.) This was a Road Support social (I am volunteering for the Friends for Life Bike Rally this year instead of riding—good thing as trying to ride would have been impossible) upstairs at a pub (some of the F4LBR socials I’ve been to are at a nightclub, and even in the afternoon it’s too much with colourful lighting and crowds), and only a half dozen people came out, and the room we were in was otherwise basically empty (no voices coming from behind me). 

I did okay and when the evening entertainment was about to begin, I decided to leave on a high note and said my good byes.

At the very first corner, just steps from the pub door, I got disoriented and confused as to where I was.

I figured it out, and started walking up Church Street to Wellesley, to catch the Wellesley bus to Ossington Station.

This is where I got really confused.

I crossed to the north side of Wellesley, thinking the subway station is on the north side. Then I crossed Church to head to the station. Then I remembered that I do not want the subway, I want the bus. Then I thought, I could go to the station anyway, and catch the bus there. But what if I miss the bus because I am between stops when it goes by? 

The things about this kind of situation is that it doesn’t feel like the usual dumb indecision or being generally frazzled. it feels like a Sophie’s Choice-level of impossible dilemma (and yes I had to look that up because I have so much doubt and confusion that I don’t trust my memory about anything) that sends my anxiety spiking.

Anyway I went back to the closest stop, at Church and Wellesley, and the bus came right away. 

I got on and settled in for the ride across town. I think I can remember the Wellesley Station stop. Then the next thing I remember, they announced Jarvis. 

Now I was paying attention, if confused. Sherbourne. My westbound bus was going east! 

Again a dilemma. Do I get off, in the rain in a not great part of town with no shelter, to catch a westbound bus on the other side of the street? Would the driver let me stay on if I rode to the end of the line? I ended up doing that, just riding all the way to the other end of the line, thinking it was maybe some different route (I did that a couple of weeks ago, thinking I was on a Davenport bus and then finding out it was a Line 1 shuttle). But then I heard the announcement that it was going to Ossington Station. I asked the driver just to be sure, and went back to my seat.

Did I fall asleep, ride all the way to Ossington, forget to get off, and then all the way to Castle Frank? I don’t even know. I felt anxious the whole rest of the way home that I was going the wrong way again. Even though I know all the street names from biking on Harbord a million times, and I’d ridden that bus before, I never rode that bus before my accident, and so it all felt unfamiliar and so disorienting. I almost cried on the bus but managed to hold it together until I got home.

It’s really troubling, this inability to clearly think through what is happening and what to do about it. It’s funny, because I know some people who seem to struggle like this all the time, without even having a brain injury. I can’t imagine having to live like this with no respite. It’s really, really troubling.

My brain is also whirling trying to decode what about this made it so difficult (hence why I’m trying to type it all out here). Was it the event (which was extremely quiet and chill)? Was it the car lights at night (that contrast is something I struggle with)? Was it something else? Do I need to try again? Take a break? I have a headache now (of course), will it stick around for tomorrow? 

Just yesterday I was walking down the street and some emergency vehicles went by and I thought, “Wow, a couple of months ago, an ambulance going down the street would have sent me staggering.” Is this just the bi-weekly regression arriving on schedule? I don’t know…

The Plan

So I seem to have a pattern of feeling a bit better, overdoing it in some way, and then feeling worse. Every two weeks. I am making progress, but it’s very much two steps forward, one step back. So I’m working on pacing myself a bit better. Hopefully.

First thing is making sure I have light cardio days instead of C25K on the treadmill every day (these would be light days for most normal people, but I am not most normal people). So, using one of the other machines—stationary bicycle or elliptical—and keeping my heartrate in the 110-116 range.

Second thing is building an exposure hierarchy to get gradually used to more.

For example, I have been able to manage a meal at a restaurant and going to the theatre with one other person who can be my point of focus and “sherpa” to get through hubbub and generally keep an eye on me (the incident where I ended up in hospital last month, I had no one person to focus on or look out for me, it was conversations in all directions). On Saturday, I had an early dinner with two friends. Later this month I was invited to a group dinner at a restaurant, which sounds kind of like a nightmare. But maybe book club would be a way to work up to that? There is hubbub, but usually people speak one at a time during the club meeting proper.

Another thing I struggle with is public transit. Streetcars are best. I can handle a bus if I have the right seat and it’s not a crazy route. Subways are the real sticking point. I have managed a Line 1 subway without problems a few times (never at rush hour though obviously) and am working on building my tolerance to Line 2, which is somehow wobblier (I guess due to older trains)? The main thing is avoiding St George station, where too much is going on due to the number of people transferring, and if on the Line 2 platform, I get overwhelmed by the thundering of Line 1 trains overhead on top of the screeching of the wheels on the tracks.

So my transit exposure hierarchy might look something like:

1. Take Line 1 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Museum)
2. Take Line 1 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Osgoode)
3. Take Line 2 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours
4. Take Line 2 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
5. Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
6. Take Line 2 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
7. Transfer at Spadina station in off-peak hours
8. Transfer at Bloor/Yonge station in off-peak hours
9. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 2 to Line 1)
10. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 1 to Line 2)

And then repeat the whole thing but at rush hour.

That’s the exposure part of exposure therapy. The therapy part might look like having “rescue” options for managing stress during the exposure, like grounding exercises, techniques like havening, noise-cancelling headphones with soothing music, or bringing a journal to write out impressions during the ride; and honouring that this is hard work by rewarding with self-care treats (my go-to being hot chocolate and an almond croissant). 

I should look through my old therapy notes to see what else I can add here.

Anyway today’s exposure adventure is my first volunteer usher gig since the start of October (five months ago)! It’s at a theatre that is very close to home (a five-minute direct bus ride, I could walk there if I want), and has a straightforward set-up (unlike, say, Crow’s, where the layout changes with every production and there’s a lot of traffic management). Thinking I’ll make myself some hot chocolate to bring. I can feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it! But hopefully it will be an easy enough test to my system that I will pass with flying colours. 

And then, a few days’ rest, and on to the next! 

Oof oof.

Double post today because it is double plus ungood.

I considered not going to tango class tonight—have I mentioned tango yet? Let me back up a bit.

I decided to try doing a tango class this January. It’s a low-risk investment—close to home (City Dance Corps, where I took tap!), I’ve done it before so have some experience, only four classes and I got a discount, so inexpensive. I was really, really missing my tap classes—for mental health reasons as much as anything else, tap always boosted my mood—but no way would I survive that level of noise, speed, memory, and balance! Tango is more chill. The music is chill. The moves are chill (at least for beginners). So I started tango again, and it was great! 

The first week we just worked on the basic walk, transfer of weight, and leading/following. It felt like exactly the right way to get back into things. Basic steps, a partner to hold onto, and also good balance and proprioception work. The whole thing about following is listening with your body. Focusing on your posture, “maintaining your frame” by keeping your back long and upright, and your arms firm. Feeling where your partner is taking you, knowing where your feet are without looking, feeling when your partner transfers their weight and transferring your own accordingly. Feeling your body weight going down through your spine through your apex and into the floor. And—the joy of dance! The joy of being in a room full of people, held together with music and movement.

The second week we added salidas and rebounds. Salidas involve taking the basic walk and transfer of weight and making a pattern—back, left, forward, forward, right, transfer—with the leader choosing the tempo of steps to follow the tempo of music. The leader might also add additional directional steps as needed for traffic control (with everyone having different length strides and different speeds, we had a few narrowly missed collisions! Rebounds are very simple—basically the dancers gently rock back and forth, transferring weight from front foot to back foot without putting full weight on either, to “buy time” if the floor is crowded, or gently redirect the follower to a clear area. Very much listening with your body, transferring weight, feeling your balance, in the arms of your partner.

So this week. This week I was coming in late. I was feeling pretty zoned out after my crashout in the afternoon, and the 10-minute notification on my phone caught me off-guard. I considered not going. But I pulled on my boots, through my dance shoes in my bag, thinking about how good it felt the previous two weeks, thinking about how even if I started in a bad mood, I was always in a good mood by the end of tap class. A couple of other people were coming in late too, and we chatted as we shed our winter gear. And I stepped into studio three, and—they were doing ochos.

Ochos, without partners.

“Project your right foot forward, transfer the weight, and as you do, pivot your frame towards the mirror, then pivot on your right foot—”

Pivoting, on one foot. Without even a partner to hold onto. 

I tried, a couple of times. I just felt shakier and shakier. I should have know this was coming; I remember practising these moves at home with my hands against the wall, two years ago when I first took tango. 

(It occurs to me now, I could have tried to practise against a wall in the studio, but possibly the most irritating concussion symptom is slow processing speed—I never think of these things in the moment when they would be useful!) 

Anyway I quietly took my leave, hoping to go unnoticed. Another latecomer was arriving—taking his boots off, as I put mine on—and said, “Done already?” I explained about the concussion and the ochos and the balance and probably wasn’t very clear but was mainly focussed on not crying until I was outside on my own.

And then I got home to find the landlord had shovelled the basement entrance, and up to the wheelie bins, but stopped short of the steps so I still had snow to wade through. And this morning I got told off by the postal carrier for not having shovelled, but I just can’t. I still get pain in my shoulder from doing my physio exercises (basically lift your arm, hold for 5 seconds, lower slowly, 10 reps to the front, 10 in the scapular plane, 10 to the side) and Angus says it will be another few weeks before the inflammation in my rotator cuff has healed. 

But I look normal so I must be fine, right?

Just feeling so frustrated today. 

Oof.

Not a good day today. 

Had a team meeting which started out with an agenda but which went off on fifteen different tangents. I struggled to keep up and take notes, but the stuff I needed to discuss never got addressed because we ran out of time. They probably would’ve kept going, but I said I could not do more than an hour (yay self advocacy, do I get a gold star?) and my brain was short circuiting towards the end. 

Didn’t get to the gym as I had another meeting right after lunch, but went for a little walk at least. Second meeting, I just fell apart about five minutes in, and just thinking about it hours later makes me cry. Some days I feel almost normal and some days I feel like I’ll never be the same again. 

I guess I should follow up on my disability paperwork because this is just not working.

Anyway I took a little (longer than intended) break and had a herbal tea and a cookie, and another cookie, and in the end about nine cookies. I find overwhelm is followed by overwhelming appetite. And now I have no cookies left to eat. 

The last of the cookies, now all gone

Three-ingredient peanut butter cookies 

Ingredients:

1 cup peanut butter (all natural but with salt)
1 egg
¾ cup sugar (I used brown)

Directions:

Beat together peanut butter and egg.

Mix in sugar.

Form into 1” balls. Place on cookie sheet. 

Flatten in criss-cross fashion with a fork dipped in water.

Bake at 375°F for 10-15 minutes.

It’s déjà vu all over again

I’m doing Couch to 5k! Yes, the same running-for-beginners program I started thirteen years ago!

I decided that I need some kind of a framework to help me stay focused and see progress, and C25K seems as good as any. It’s straightforward, easy to follow, easy to modify (other times I’ve done it, I needed to repeat weeks as I built up my fitness, and I think the first time I tried it I only got to week four).

Thankfully, the treadmill at my gym has a setting for intervals, so it’s easy to do the walk-jog-walk-jog pattern that the early weeks follow. I’m experimenting with what speeds work for me (currently doing a 3.5mph walk and 5.5mph jog), and can always add a lil incline if feeling energetic. 

I have friends cheering me on too, which is such a comfort! Some days I feel like a total ding-dong with my baby steps—I’ve run a handful of 10ks, I should be better than this!—so having people cheer my recovery means a lot.

Now I’m feeling teary and I don’t even know anymore what’s a legit emotion and what is concussion-overwhelm… 

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Run Towards the Danger

So I finally finished the book Run Towards the Danger this morning and it has me thinking all kinds of things, but more importantly, feeling hopeful.

I’ve been going to the gym pretty steadily for the past week and a half, doing the sub-symptom threshold cardio and trying to keep my heartrate between 80 and 90 (around 50% MHR for me). My heartrate usually tends to be on the high side, I work on regulating it through slowing down, breathing exercises, etc. (I’ve found gazing at the potted plants helps). It’s pretty boring, but I do my best.

I will also admit I have slacked off on the shoulder physio, because doing that consistently for a couple of days will give me a day of headache, so I have to rest to recover.

In the book, the expert Sarah Polley sees insists, just like the title, she needs to “Run towards the danger.” Do the stuff that makes her brain hurt. And when the symptoms come, instead of resting, exercising (she has a routine of fast-paced vestibular exercises to do).

I sadly do not have thousands of dollars to go to Pittsburgh to visit this clinic, but I want to try my own little experiment. In a low-risk way (not in a way where I risk falling and hitting my head again).

Amping up my cardio (while staying on the stationary bike, no chance of falling). And doing cardio when I feel symptoms coming on, and also talking myself through my symptoms.

One thing that happens to me when I’m experiencing cognitive stress or visual stress is that I feel a wave of heat wash over me. I’ve taken that as a signal to stop what I’m doing—finish my session with my SAD therapy lamp for example. Today I felt that rush of heat on the bike at the gym, but instead of stopping or slowing down, I just said, “This is a normal response,” and kept going. It went away.

After getting home, when I sat down to write this, I felt a headache starting. Instead of, “Oh no, a headache,” I said, “That’s just my brain fixing itself,” and the pain dissipated. Placebo effect? Maybe? Probably? Who cares, I don’t have a headache.

One of the things she mentions in the book is she started saying yes to all of the social events she had been avoiding. Man, I would very much like to get back to socialising. But I want to be mindful about how I do all this stuff, and not just knock myself out and set myself up for regression. I do have a number of things planned for January—things I planned before my accident, mostly, and a few I planned figuring, “Surely, I’ll be better by then”—so my goal for now is not to plan more, but to not need to cancel anything. 

Part of me wants to set a crazy goal, like running a marathon this fall (literally running towards to the danger). I don’t know about that. But maybe. We talked about getting a team going to fundraise for the theatre I’m on the board of, so maybe?? Is that nuts? 

I guess the first step is to see how I do tomorrow.

For now, I’m going to try going to the grocery store—an overstimulating place I’ve avoided—since my kid is here with me to support if I need it. Tomorrow he goes back to university, and I am intending to take the train with him. Last time I did a day trip to Waterloo, it knocked me out and I needed to rest a few days to recover. What if this time, instead of resting to recover, I stick to my cardio routine? We shall see…

Cardio for concussion

This morning I had an exercise counselling session with a physiotherapist at the Toronto Concussion Clinic. The plan is “sub-symptom cardiovascular exercise training protocol.” Basically, try to maintain a consistent heartrate—starting at 50% of maximum heartrate (MHR)—for 20 minutes, without getting concussion symptoms. Warm up beforehand to get to that heartrate, maintain for 20 minutes, then cool down. My target heartrate at this point is 80-90.

I went for a little walk to the library today to print out the session notes (I have soooo many notes… I did finally buy a binder so I can organize them, but it feels like so much work), which is a walk I have done approximately one million times. Usually takes 13-15 minutes sauntering, depending on whether you have luck with the traffic light.

Today, it took me 21 minutes, and my heartrate was all over the place:

Heartrate 69-111?!

Hrmph.

It may well be that the watch I stopped wearing because it gave me a rash is not accurate (I have a new, hopefully better heartrate monitor on order). But it definitely felt like my heart was racing. And around the 14-minute mark, I was getting headaches and nausea. Do not like.

For comparison, here’s something I posted (not here, but an online discussion about fitness) a year and a bit ago:

Yesterday I checked my heartrate barely a minute after I got off my bike. I rode to work, 15 minutes averaging about 13mph, fastest was 22mph. According to one of the articles, cycling over 10mph is “vigorous activity.” Going by the how does it feel—breathing, perspiration, but can hold conversation—it would be “moderate activity.” I felt like my heart was pumping, so I went straight to the machine in the drugstore, and it said BP 105/60, pulse 73, which according to the charts is not even “low intensity” for a 75-year-old.

I’m like an entirely different person now.

Tomorrow I’m seeing Angus; I will bring my notes from the TCC physio to see if he has any tips/thoughts as the longterm keeper of my shoulder. They also gave me some coordination and asymmetrical bilateral exercises, which involve arms (because I have forgotten how to swing my arms like a normal person when I walk).

It’s so frustrating to feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I feel like I’m regressing and I want to be progressing. It’s depressing as hell and I’m just exhausted and crying all the time. Do not like. 

Late night update because it just hit me

How much of my intense reaction to the horrible Dr Firdouse is related to memories his terrible treatment  of me brings back of the arrogant surgeon who misdiagnosed my mother’s cancer and put us through months of agony?

Just had a moment of anger at Dr Firdouse’s incompetence and realised it was the same anger I felt towards that surgeon. Both arrogant people who arrived at their own conclusions without looking at the actual patient. Ugh. 

I am generally a champion of our medical system, but like any system, it’s only as strong as it’s weakest link, and quacks like Firdouse are the weakest.   

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.

So I went to the dentist

And it wasn’t that bad!

I mean it wasn’t great either, I just imagined it being a lot worse.

I wore and eye mask, and let everyone know what had happened with me, and everyone was very calm and soothing. Helped too I think that it was a pretty minor filling, I was done in about thirty minutes. I did find myself weeping randomly in the chair, and sat for about ten minutes in the waiting room before I felt ready to go, and then sat at the subway station for about another 15 minutes waiting for my bus.

Stars aligned so that a vintage red velvet coat I had been pining for was available to pick up not far away, pretty much on my way home, and near the home of the best sandwich in the city. My dentist is also conveniently located near some nice bakeries and a bookstore where I had an order waiting (totally forgot about that—was supposed to pick it up six weeks ago, the day before my fall!), so I had picked up a book and a slice of cake on my way there, and went to the vintage & arts market and deli on my way home.

The day had started looking fairly grim (I was worried I would get rained on) but by the time I got off the bus near the market, the sun was glorious. I feel so much better when it’s sunny! I arrived a little early, so meandered around the store a bit. Wandering in junky antique stores has been a favourite pastime since I was in school, so it was really nice to do something that felt “normal,” like I’m me again. Even if I did need to leave my bag because it was feeling too heavy. I found a cute bracelet in red quartzite which supposedly brings “power, concentration, and strength” (all things I desperately need!) and is also a lovely colour. I saw some glasses I might go back for. And the coat is perfect—the most gorgeous colour, and in mint condition.

It felt so nice to be doing things I like doing, and feeling able to to them!

I was super exhausted when I got home and today my arm hurts like crazy, but what can you do. Had planned to get my glasses adjusted today, but I think I need to stay home. I walked over 2km yesterday, so a rest day is well earned. Maybe I’ll bake something; I need to outpace my veg box.

Best coat ever

The Honest Abe from When the Pig Came Home

Smetanyk slice from Cake Smith

The hard days

Occasionally I will remember a thing, or realise a thing, that leaves me feeling kinda sad.

I’ve already given away tickets to the opera, the symphony, the ballet. I’ve already accepted that we won’t be able to go the the panto this year.

But as holiday season approaches, all kinds of things are hitting me.

I decided weeks ago not to try to host my annual eggnog party this year, but just realised we probably won’t have a tree either. Getting the tree and getting it in the house is one thing; hauling the ornaments out of the closet, decorating, and then putting it all away again after is another.

And I just realised that candlelight Christmas Eve service—which I love, love, love—may well be torture. It will be our congregation’s first in our new home. I was so looking forward to it. But all that flickering... maybe we can check it out and leave early if need be? I could make my kid hold my candle, and keep a sleep mask handy in case slipping it on briefly helps? We’ll see…

I keep hoping I’ll just magically feel better—I do feel a lot better than before!—but it also hit me today that Saturday will be the six week mark. My concussion pal told me that people usually feel better in three to six weeks, or three months, or it becomes chronic. I wanted to be a six-week person. Can’t help thinking I’d be farther along if my shoulder weren’t broken as well.  

Survival tips: what to wear

Getting dressed with one arm has been a real struggle. I can somewhat use my forearm now, but I have severe pain if I don’t keep my bicep basically glued to my ribcage. So, no sleeves, pretty much. Definitely no pullovers of any kind. Bottoms are difficult too—I struggle with fasteners one-handed, as well as just getting things on.

I have really been struggling with this! In part just, literally, struggling, because it’s colder now, so can’t just bum around in tank tops or whatever (although spaghetti-strap tank tops have been a lifesaver, because you can just step in an pull them up). But also, it is just really demoralising. I normally enjoy dressing—used to work in vintage clothing, have all sorts of fun pieces, but they’re mostly not injury friendly. I prefer tailored and fitted to baggy and loose, so I can’t button my shirts over my sling easily (I had my arm buttoned into a shirt all day once, and by the end my hand was numb). I can’t wear the tank top with nothing over, because it’s too cold. Pencil skirts that zip up on the left are difficult to put on. It’s too cold for bare legs and tights are impossible. I owned precisely one pair of jogging pants before this, because they’re just not my style. Now I own about six, and I look into the mirror and it’s not my own self looking back. Whiny, but it bugs me.

But I figured out a solution. I ordered a bunch of snap tape. I took a few expendable tops—a couple of hand-me-downs that my kid outgrew, and a black mock-neck pullover I made years ago—ripped out the left side seams (if I really want, I can always re-sew them later, I guess?) and sewed in the snap tape. Voilà! Shirts I can put on. Doing up the snaps is not easy, and on cold days the feel is breezy. But it’s so much better than nothing.

Looks like a normal polo shirt!

Awkward pose, but you can see the snaps!

Then an email popped up, saying, “a seller has offered you a discount on a vintage red cape.” After sighing and wishing I could splurge on such a thing, it occurred to me—capes are perfect when you can’t wear sleeves! It should be here any minute; I keep anxiously running to the porch every time I hear a sound. (My new glasses came today too—almost as good as my old glasses!)

Glasses, new and old

I am sick of the constant jogging pants though (even if I did manage to find one cool pair). And finally, it hit me this morning—suspender tights (warning: NSFW)! Regular tights would be a nightmare to get on one-handed, not to mention having to deal with them again every time you go to the loo. With suspender tights, they’re easier to get into since the hip-to-waist area is basically missing, and once they’re on, underpants go on top, and can go up and down as needed without involving the tights. I think (hope) I have another pair somewhere! 

A lesson learned

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is seeing reminders pop up on my phone for events I booked months ago.

Last night was a Masterclass in Charcuterie led by the owner and charcutier at Sanagan’s Meat Locker. 

Charcuterie from Sanagan’s Meat Locker

I reached out to the organisers to ask some questions beforehand: 

Is it likely to be very noisy, a bunch of people talking at once, or mostly one person talking while other people listen?

Is it a very bright/highly-lit environment, or more like “mood lighting” ?

Is there participation involved where I’d need to use both arms?

They answered my questions, and based on that and knowing how I’d get to the location, I decided this might be a good “test run” to see how I do with attending something that isn’t a medical appointment of some sort.

(Earlier I thought a theatre usher volunteer shift this week might be my test-run, but after asking if there were any environmental warnings like strobe or haze (lots of haze) and if they expected it to be a very busy full house (not a full house, but with two shows concurrently the lobby would get hectic) I decided against that one.)

So I am glad I went, as it was a lovely evening and I enjoyed the event, but it did demonstrate that I am not really up for going out yet.

Getting there was straightforward, but this was the first time I’d gone out at night in over a month, and the darkness punctuated by bright lights was a lot to deal with. There was an elevator up to the fifth floor, but it was old and a little jerky—fine for a normal person, but not for me right now.

The listening atmosphere was mostly great—one person talking at a time, no amplification, some quiet conversation—but there were a couple of occasions where people applauded, and honestly it could have been a gun going off next to me. Even though there were only maybe two dozen of us, it was a lot for me.

The lighting was nice. Enough to see everything clearly without eyestrain, but not overly bright and no fluorescents. Thing is, there were candles on the tables, which seemed fine at first, but there was this thing where the flickering of candles reflecting off the surface of water in a glass was like lights flashing in my periphery. I never would have thought candles would be a problem! Now I know.

The only shoulder-related issue I had to deal with was trying to hang up my coat. Many people had already arrived, and the coat hooks were kind of high on the wall, so most of the lower coat hooks were taken when I got there. I did manage to find one though. The hosts were kind about helping me find a seat where I wouldn’t get jostled, and my table-mates were very kind about serving the food for me and making sure my water glass was full.

So it was a lovely evening, but about 90 minutes in I just wanted to lie down and rest. Will definitely check out their events in the future—after I have fully recovered.

Meanwhile, I just cancelled all of my plans for the rest of 2025. Hoping enough rest will help me recover by the holidays. 

It’s honestly pretty upsetting to think that I won’t get to do any of the fun things I normally enjoy. All of the things I normally do to keep my cup filled are no longer available to me. I have been able to do a small amount of knitting, maybe that will be my salvation. It will be nice too to have my arm back so I can at least clean the house.

Learning my limits

Wow, yesterday was horrible!

A 2½ hour morning meeting at 9 o’clock, and then my boss said, “Let’s do a 10 minute huddle before the meeting for our team,” so that was scheduled for 8:30. I had a bad night sleep-wise, but dragged myself to my laptop for 8:30, figuring I’d have time to make coffee between the huddle and the meeting. After waiting a couple of minutes, my other team-mate appeared and said, “Did you see boss’s email? They can’t start till 8:40.” Then they started telling me about a traumatic event they experienced over the weekend. Boss eventually joined as well, and our huddle ran right up to 9 o’clock, and I tried to grab some coffee and breakfast but was called back. So, 2½ hour meeting on half a cup of coffee and no food. 

By an hour in, I was experiencing nausea, tremors, and heart palpitations. My body temperature went up. I felt on the verge of a panic attack. I turned off my camera and lights so I could put my head down and just listen, but then someone shared a PowerPoint so I had to open my eyes again. By the time we got a little snack break almost 2 hours in (2½ for me, because of the huddle that wasn’t) I was sobbing. As soon as the meeting was over I lay down on the sofa with my eyes closed for about 45 minutes. 

And of course, I had another meeting to get through, my regular one-on-one with my boss. I started by letting them know that it had been too much for me in the morning, and they offered to reschedule, but I said that there were a couple of things I needed their input on. After briefly touching on one, they pivoted to talk about their own project, which has a lot of people involved and keeps changing, and invited another person to the meeting. It got really confusing for me at that point, and at one point my boss made the comment that they should be able to just hand the details to me and they can’t. I felt a bit blamed for my injury, but I was so tired at the time I just felt fairly apathetic about it.

Now I’m wondering about how to approach an upcoming team meeting, which is always a big headache (long, lots of attendees, lots of details that aren’t specifically relevant to my work and very jargonny to the point where it feels like a foreign language). And this meeting usually gets rescheduled repeatedly. I really want to say “Hey, I can’t do more than one hour, and I need 30 minutes buffer on either side, so if you’re going to change the time of meetings I need an hour’s notice so that I can adjust the rest of my schedule,” but I wonder how that would go over.

I feel a bit better today (although I cried a bit typing this) because I woke up with the sun and was able to eat breakfast outside on the front porch, soaking up some vitamin D. Can’t wait for my full-spectrum SAD therapy light to arrive.

Up and down

Oh boy, haven’t posted in months, whoops.

Cough study was a bust, pretty frustrated with that for numerous reasons, more on that another time.

10k was also a bust, I decided again running because it was cold and rainy, but apparently it was terribly mismanaged again so I’m glad I didn’t waste my time. No washrooms, no traffic control, no water, no medals. Just shockingly bad.

A tooth that was supposed to be a root canal split in half, so I needed a bridge, and last year’s bridge broke, which is not supposed to happen. 

But in good news, I played tennis last week for the first time in forever, and have doubled my average summer mileage this month so far. The weather is gorgeous and it’s lovely to be outside. My garden is mostly planted (just need to sow some lettuce and other greens).

My ferritin is good (did I blog about that yet?), my blood pressure is low, my weeks-long period finally ended, and I’m sleeping better. 

Overall, pretty good! I have to remind myself of that sometimes...

Rough couple of weeks

What else to say. Memorial was Sunday, so many emotions, so many people I hadn’t seen in ten years. I felt quite literally drained of energy by the end, incapable of forming the most basic thought. Monday was terrible, I was back in “am I having a heart attack” mode (even though my blood pressure is pretty consistently 100/60). But the evening was good; I was out at a board meeting that left me feeling energized, and then to a tap event which was fantastic.

The week has basically been up and down like that.

But I keep on keeping on. Did some stretches last night for the first time in forever. Need to get back in the habit! My shoulder is a mess and the rest is not much better. Just lying down gave me a bit of vertigo. Glad I went ahead and booked a second appointment with Angus last time I saw him. I definitely need it!  

Oof

What a stressful week. My sister-in-law—almost exactly my age, her birthday just two weeks after mine—died last Saturday. She had diabetes, and other disabilities, but still it comes as a shock. Her kid is a year younger than my kid. It’s overwhelming to think about.

I’ve been super stressed all week. She died Saturday night at 7, I found out at 8, and the next day I had to officiate a wedding. Monday I had an emotionally fraught fundraiser to attend (some of that emotion due to the cause—Palestine—some due to my feelings—unrequited?—for the performer, who has since left the country). Tomorrow I am taking my cousin to/from the hospital for a GI scope. Day after tomorrow is my annual eggnog party. I have so much prep to do and so little motivation. I just want a nap.

I had a bad pelvic floor moment today (don’t ask). My shoulder has been acting up, too—it’s still on the level, but feels wrong, and my neck and arm are kind of messed up, going right down into my hand, and I’ve had a couple of vertigo moments as well (including one where I almost fell on the stairs). I am tried an anxious and if I didn’t know better I would think I was having a heart attack (part of my reason for posting today is so that if it is a heart attack, I can legit say “I told you so!”)