Cardio for concussion

This morning I had an exercise counselling session with a physiotherapist at the Toronto Concussion Clinic. The plan is “sub-symptom cardiovascular exercise training protocol.” Basically, try to maintain a consistent heartrate—starting at 50% of maximum heartrate (MHR)—for 20 minutes, without getting concussion symptoms. Warm up beforehand to get to that heartrate, maintain for 20 minutes, then cool down. My target heartrate at this point is 80-90.

I went for a little walk to the library today to print out the session notes (I have soooo many notes… I did finally buy a binder so I can organize them, but it feels like so much work), which is a walk I have done approximately one million times. Usually takes 13-15 minutes sauntering, depending on whether you have luck with the traffic light.

Today, it took me 21 minutes, and my heartrate was all over the place:

Heartrate 69-111?!

Hrmph.

It may well be that the watch I stopped wearing because it gave me a rash is not accurate (I have a new, hopefully better heartrate monitor on order). But it definitely felt like my heart was racing. And around the 14-minute mark, I was getting headaches and nausea. Do not like.

For comparison, here’s something I posted (not here, but an online discussion about fitness) a year and a bit ago:

Yesterday I checked my heartrate barely a minute after I got off my bike. I rode to work, 15 minutes averaging about 13mph, fastest was 22mph. According to one of the articles, cycling over 10mph is “vigorous activity.” Going by the how does it feel—breathing, perspiration, but can hold conversation—it would be “moderate activity.” I felt like my heart was pumping, so I went straight to the machine in the drugstore, and it said BP 105/60, pulse 73, which according to the charts is not even “low intensity” for a 75-year-old.

I’m like an entirely different person now.

Tomorrow I’m seeing Angus; I will bring my notes from the TCC physio to see if he has any tips/thoughts as the longterm keeper of my shoulder. They also gave me some coordination and asymmetrical bilateral exercises, which involve arms (because I have forgotten how to swing my arms like a normal person when I walk).

It’s so frustrating to feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I feel like I’m regressing and I want to be progressing. It’s depressing as hell and I’m just exhausted and crying all the time. Do not like. 

Survival tips: the 20-20-20 rule

This week has been a bad week and it’s also my mother’s birthday but all of that is too much to think about right now.

Instead I’m just going to share a quick easy thing because I was reminded of it by a friend’s Substack (everyone I know has a Substack!)

The 20-20-20 rule is simply:

Every 20 minutes, look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds.

Everyone who spends their day in front of a screen should do this, concussion or not. It’s good for your eyes, it’s good for your head.

I was reminded of it because my friend wrote about setting reminders to move and ignoring them (I, too, have so many reminders on my phone that I ignore!) but the work-from-home hack for this is simple:

Set the oven timer.

That’s it. The timer is in another room. The timer is part of a giant unmoveable appliance. You have to get up to turn it off. That’s the hack.

Because it’s a 20-second break, you don’t have to worry about appearing away on Teams, or losing track of what you are doing. The other day, I had just hit CTRL+C in a document, took my 20-second break to turn off the oven timer (and reset it for another 20 minutes), and came back to CTRL-V whatever it was in the document I was working on. Pretty much seamless. But your eyes and brain (and body) will appreciate the tiny time away. 

Too much to say

I really have too many things that I want to write down but I don’t have the energy for it.

Fracture clinic, physio, headaches, tinnitus, nausea, exertion, exhaustion, emotion.

Wish I had been wearing my fitness watch yesterday because I'm sure my heartrate was all over the place.

Tomorrow is a big work thing and it isn’t clear if I’m supposed to be in the office in the morning or can do remote until an afternoon event. I just checked my work email to see if there had been any instructions to make it obvious but it just says the meeting is on Teams although when that was sent my understanding is it was a “placeholder” and details would be forthcoming? I am not able to navigate lack of clarity right now so it’s really hard. I am so exhausted from yesterday I can’t face leaving home at 7:30 am to get to a meeting I might not even have to travel for.

Late night update because it just hit me

How much of my intense reaction to the horrible Dr Firdouse is related to memories his terrible treatment  of me brings back of the arrogant surgeon who misdiagnosed my mother’s cancer and put us through months of agony?

Just had a moment of anger at Dr Firdouse’s incompetence and realised it was the same anger I felt towards that surgeon. Both arrogant people who arrived at their own conclusions without looking at the actual patient. Ugh. 

I am generally a champion of our medical system, but like any system, it’s only as strong as it’s weakest link, and quacks like Firdouse are the weakest.   

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.

Feeling annoyed today

It’s a combination of having to wait an insanely long time in the cold for the streetcar (24+ minutes when it’s supposed to come every 11), the boredom of the fracture clinic waiting room, and an irritating email, compounded by the fact that the waiting room boredom led me to follow links from the irritating email to a rabbit hole of stupidity about “body positivity.”

I’ve complained about body positivity before. Because it’s just another platitude, just another way to pick apart women’s bodies for being wrong.

So the annoying email was from a friend’s Substack (literally everyone I know has a Substack) about celebrities I am not familiar with who have lost weight, and why you shouldn’t criticise the individual but it’s okay to criticise the phenomenon, and then refers to the celebrities as “dumb-dumbs.”

Like really?

You want to be holier than thou about bodyshapes but if anyone doesn’t follow your rules it’s because they must not be very smart?

Stupidly I clicked a link (waiting! bored!) and started reading a whole bunch of articles attacking women for getting thinner, excusing themselves for their judgy behaviour because they are “unavoidable.”

The “celebrities” I haven’t heard of are “unavoidable.” I googled some out of curiosity (and boredom!) and some are very thin and some look pretty normal?

I also stumbled into a thread of women talking about how they’ve been skinny-shamed, and various hurtful comments received when dealing with weight change caused by illness.

Not gonna lie, the “body positivity” community makes me want to lose weight out of spite, the same way anti-smoking ads made me want cigarettes as a crabby teenager.

I am not a big social media user, especially lately, but when I think about what my “explore” tab looked like on my old Instagram, it was mainly local theatre productions, cycling, baking, and vintage clothing (especially knitting patterns). I started a new Instagram for a new project recently, and that explore page is all visual arts and small press literature.

Which makes me think—maybe the self-discipline issue isn’t about having the self-discipline to eat or exercise a certain way, maybe it’s about maintaining a healthy media diet? One that isn’t celebrities or influencers—including “body positivity” influencers—but instead people doing actual things that have nothing to do with bodies at all?

Maybe I would be just as fussed about weight if I spent my time looking at pictures of people obsessed with weight. But choosing to look at other stuff instead is the easiest thing in the world.

I won’t criticise someone for looking a certain way. I will criticise someone for making other people’s bodies the focus of their own existence.

My “explore” tab

ETA: It just occurred to me, my boredom hate-reading this morning probably messed up my search algorithms. I hate the internet.

A new beginning?

Today I did a tour of a (relatively) new gym in the neighbourhood: Dupont Fitness.

I had heard of them through their running club, who I did a couple of Saturday morning 5k runs with this summer. Being a 10-minute walk from home is key to me doing anything (especially now) so that was what initially drew me to look into them. Looking at their website, they seem to have a lot of natural light which is another big plus for me. Years ago I joined Planet Fitness (previously the nearest gym I think) but just the thought of going to a place decorated in purple and yellow with fluorescent lighting and a million TV screens and thumpy “high energy” music felt impossible. Dupont Fitness offers a free day pass if you do a tour,  and a reduced-fee membership if you only go in off-hours (during daylight hours basically, which is the only time I leave the house these days anyway), so I thought I would check it out.

Dupont Fitness: so pretty!

It’s really nice! I talked to Matt (the owner) about my specific needs and concerns. He showed me the equipment I might find most useful—not just a stationary bike, but a recumbent stationary bike—and told me about the other machines, the gym’s philosophy (chill vibe! no influencers! hanging plants!), the beautiful mural of Dovercourt Park, their music selection (more jazz and soul instead of EDM). 

I think this might work for me!

I did have a moment this afternoon where I worried, what will I wear? All my workout tops are pullovers. I can’t lift my arm enough for that; everything needs to be something I can step into or at least do up the front. I was actually googling “zip-front workout tops” when it hit me—cycling jersey. What I need is a cycling jersey. I have a dozen cycling jerseys leftover from the Friends for Life Bike Rally this summer (as an aside, it’s giving Tuesday, please sponsor me in the 2026 F4LBR!). I do not need to reinvent this particular wheel.

Tomorrow morning is fracture clinic; afternoon is GP to do some bloodwork. Friday is physiotherapy. 

And maybe Saturday is gym? I wonder if it will be too busy…

Noticing a theme

I was skimming over the titles of recent posts trying to remember if I had posted a particular recipe, when I noticed what seems to be a pattern emerging.

“Trying, trying too hard”

“The hard days”

“A lesson learned”

“Learning my limits”

Hmm.

Not that it’s surprising really, but there seems to be a lot of hitting walls. A lot of one-step-forward-two-steps-back. Trying things, and discovering that they were maybe too much.

That said, I am a lot better. I can walk almost as fast as a sleepy person out for a stroll. I can cross a street before the lights change! I can use my arm somewhat as long as I’m not lifting something that weighs more than a kilo. I don’t need to nap every day.

I am trying to be diligent about taking breaks before I think I need them. I think this is key (well, one of many keys) but it is so hard to do.