The Plan

So I seem to have a pattern of feeling a bit better, overdoing it in some way, and then feeling worse. Every two weeks. I am making progress, but it’s very much two steps forward, one step back. So I’m working on pacing myself a bit better. Hopefully.

First thing is making sure I have light cardio days instead of C25K on the treadmill every day (these would be light days for most normal people, but I am not most normal people). So, using one of the other machines—stationary bicycle or elliptical—and keeping my heartrate in the 110-116 range.

Second thing is building an exposure hierarchy to get gradually used to more.

For example, I have been able to manage a meal at a restaurant and going to the theatre with one other person who can be my point of focus and “sherpa” to get through hubbub and generally keep an eye on me (the incident where I ended up in hospital last month, I had no one person to focus on or look out for me, it was conversations in all directions). On Saturday, I had an early dinner with two friends. Later this month I was invited to a group dinner at a restaurant, which sounds kind of like a nightmare. But maybe book club would be a way to work up to that? There is hubbub, but usually people speak one at a time during the club meeting proper.

Another thing I struggle with is public transit. Streetcars are best. I can handle a bus if I have the right seat and it’s not a crazy route. Subways are the real sticking point. I have managed a Line 1 subway without problems a few times (never at rush hour though obviously) and am working on building my tolerance to Line 2, which is somehow wobblier (I guess due to older trains)? The main thing is avoiding St George station, where too much is going on due to the number of people transferring, and if on the Line 2 platform, I get overwhelmed by the thundering of Line 1 trains overhead on top of the screeching of the wheels on the tracks.

So my transit exposure hierarchy might look something like:

1. Take Line 1 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Museum)
2. Take Line 1 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Osgoode)
3. Take Line 2 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours
4. Take Line 2 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
5. Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
6. Take Line 2 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
7. Transfer at Spadina station in off-peak hours
8. Transfer at Bloor/Yonge station in off-peak hours
9. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 2 to Line 1)
10. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 1 to Line 2)

And then repeat the whole thing but at rush hour.

That’s the exposure part of exposure therapy. The therapy part might look like having “rescue” options for managing stress during the exposure, like grounding exercises, techniques like havening, noise-cancelling headphones with soothing music, or bringing a journal to write out impressions during the ride; and honouring that this is hard work by rewarding with self-care treats (my go-to being hot chocolate and an almond croissant). 

I should look through my old therapy notes to see what else I can add here.

Anyway today’s exposure adventure is my first volunteer usher gig since the start of October (five months ago)! It’s at a theatre that is very close to home (a five-minute direct bus ride, I could walk there if I want), and has a straightforward set-up (unlike, say, Crow’s, where the layout changes with every production and there’s a lot of traffic management). Thinking I’ll make myself some hot chocolate to bring. I can feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it! But hopefully it will be an easy enough test to my system that I will pass with flying colours. 

And then, a few days’ rest, and on to the next! 

Trying something new!

So I’ve made a little plan for myself for the month of March, alternating between C25K and lighter cardio days. Trying to build gradually instead of overdoing it (again) and crashing out (again). More “jog towards the danger” than “run towards the danger” if you will.

Today, I tried using the elliptical machine for the first time.

The Elliptical

It took me a minute to get going (that is, to figure out how to get it going). But I’m excited to try something that uses my arms as well, and also is just a different “feel” to get used to.

The weirdest bit (to me) is that it doesn’t have the cross-body motion I was expecting—like when you’re walking, or a baby starts crawling—with left arm moving with right leg, and right arm with left leg. After all of the struggles I’ve had working on that, both at the start when I thought I’d use an umbrella as a walking stick on a rainy day and more recently when I started using Nordic poles, this is just the opposite!

Eventually I got used to the rhythm though, and managed to maintain a respectable (for me) pace.

The main thing is it’s another way to get my arms working. My left arm is still very much a noodle after all that time in a sling, and I obviously can’t think about lifting anything until I get my balance issues sorted out. Friday I couldn’t walk a straight line for hours after getting eye drops, yet another reminder to not get cocky! But I still think I can see the shadow of a bruise on my left arm sometimes. Today it seemed very visible when I was on the Elliptical—maybe because of the lighting, maybe I was just seeing it from different angles due to the different motion?

Is that a faint bruise, still?

Note to self: make sure to do a thorough stretch tonight, as different muscles were getting some use today. 

Back at it

I was not allowed to exercise for a week after a lil procedure I had done last Saturday (well, 5 days + discombobulation due to ophthalmology eyedrops) so it was nice to get back to the gym today. Especially because I’m feeling a bit like a blob (logging in here and seeing “It’s Sausage Week” might be another clue as to why that is).

I’m at the “pants feel tight” stage, which is when I usually put a lil effort into diet and exercise and get back on track, but not sure how that will work in light of my post-concussion brain. I need nutrition and specifically carbs (brains run on glucose!) to get better. The trick I guess is to get those needs met without going overboard in other areas.

Like fat. Pretty much every day I log my nutrition in Cronometer, and pretty much every day it tells me I’m way over budget on fat. Oops! The problem is, fat is yummy.

It’s funny how no one ever puts it that way. 

Like, I saw an infographic the other day about women’s clothing sizes and how they don’t match up (super annoying) and how they also don’t match up to actual women. Or should I say, actual American women. I mean yeah, I have definitely noticed that Japanese brands, for example, run way small compared to American brands. Last fall, when I had to buy a bunch of sweat pants and spaghetti strap cami tops—i.e. clothing I could easily step into and pull up with one hand—I had fun surprises when the same letter size was too small in one brand and too big in another. Simons and H&M had small smalls. Old Navy had huge smalls. Interesting to note, too, that the infographic left off most of the big American brands like Gap. Could it be that American brands cater to American markets, and European and Asian brands cater to European and Asian markets? If you look at a label from H&M, it lists about six different sizes—US, UK, Euro, China, Mexico, and Australia. They all have totally different systems. Why is is such a surprise that items designed and manufactured in different countries would use their own sizing instead of American sizing? US defaultism at its worst.

This at the same time as people are losing their minds over GLP-1 drugs. Are they going to save the world? Or destroy it? Is it “fair” that some people might get to be thin without “doing the work”? There was an editorial about this a few weeks ago marvelling about these things, most amusingly that the per capita cost of obesity in the US—roughly $200/month—is roughly the same as a prescription for these drugs. Give them to everyone! It’s gonna be great!

Which makes me inwardly groan at the thought of all the other wonder drugs that were expected to be panaceas and turned out to cause a whole host of unexpected problems. The marketing of these new drugs, and how easy it is for people to get prescriptions without even a real medical appointment, seems like a set up for disaster.

And shouldn’t the real question be, what caused this shift? Why are this many people in the US suddenly so overweight? At no time in history has there been such a massive shift in such a short period of time. And it’s pretty well confined to the US, although some countries are working to catch up. Why not figure out the root causes and work on those? Maybe stop adding corn syrup and soy to everything, maybe stop eating convenience foods in cars, maybe drive less and walk or bike more!

Anyway I’ve complained about this stuff enough elsewhere on this blog, so I’ll drop the subject for now, because I’m about to go to dinner with friends. A proper meal, sitting down and socialising with people as we break bread, not a solo drive-through dinner.

 

It’s sausage week

I feel like I’m on a meat-themed version of Great British Bake-Off every time I enter the kitchen, imagining Sue Perkins announcing “It’s sausage week.”

Actually I’m just eating a lot of sausages.

Back in November, I attended a charcuterie event with mixed results. It was a lovely evening, but I struggled with various things—the noise and light, even though it was a relatively quiet event with gentle lighting; and various shoulder-related struggles.

The same crew recently hosted a sausage-making class, which I had wanted to attend for ages and quietly campaigned for, so when it was announced in January I had to get a ticket. I anticipated with a mixture of excitement—because surely I’d be better by late February, right?—and dread that it would be overwhelming and lead to more regression.

Happy to say I got through it! No candles this time, hooray. And no loud clappers. And no sling for me to contend with! We worked in groups of two, and most people were very focused on kneading their meat and filling their casings, so not too much “hubbub.”

And, I came home with sausages! Guess what I’ve been eating every day this week (paired with various Odd Bunch veg).

Maple-5-spice sausage with enoki mushrooms and sesame-miso dressing

Bratwurst with rutabaga “fries”

Chorizo with guacamole, roasted tomato salsa, and corn chips

Toulouse sausage with green salad

The rutabaga fries were not bad! It’s definitely one of those what-do-I-do-with-this vegetables, but other than being annoying to peel, pretty easy to prepare this way.

Rutabaga Oven “Fries”

Ingredients:

1 rutabaga
1 tbs olive oil
1 tsp salt
1 tsp paprika

Directions:

Cut the rutabaga in half. This is the hardest part! To say this thing is sturdy would be an understatement. 

Once you have two halves that will sit flat and not roll around, it gets easier. Cut each half into slices, about ⅜” to ½” thick. Peel each of these using a paring knife (It’s much easier to peel the individual slices than the whole thing, and you’ll need a proper knife, not a peeler). 

Once peeled, cut each slice into sticks about ⅜” to ½” wide.

Toss with oil to coat. Season with salt and paprika and toss again to coat evenly.

Arrange in a single, well-spaced layer on a baking sheet (I did a half-recipe to start, and needed a full-sized sheet). 

Bake at 425° f for 35 minutes. Just enough time to make a bit of salad and cook a sausage!

Just realised it’s been a while...

... and I left on a bit of a cliffhanger.

My CT-scan was all clear, no funny business showing up in my brain.

I had a follow up appointment the next day (why do hospitals do this—discharge in the wee hours, and ask you to come back the next morning, maybe six hours later) with the hospital ophthalmologist, who did some additional testing, said everything seems fine, but I should consider following up with a more thorough exam. I mentioned that I was due for an ophthalmology appointment—my optometrist had referred me to the Kensington Eye Institute back on Hallowe’en when I got my eye exam for new glasses, and told me I should expect to hear from them in January or February, and to call them if I hadn’t heard anything by then, so this was my trigger to call. The hospital ophthalmologist said that was great news, everyone at Kensington is great, so I gave them a call.

They said they had no record of a referral. 

We had a brief conversation where they basically told me to call my eye doc and have them re-send the referral, but it would probably be months before I got an appointment. I called my eye doc, told them about the missing referral and my subconjunctival haemorrhage, and they said they’d call me back.

A couple of days later, Kensington called with my appointment—at the end of this month! I don’t know what they said, but it worked. That appointment is Friday.

Meanwhile, I asked the hospital ophthalmologist about the recurring subconjunctival haemorrhages (this is the third time it’s happened) considering I don’t have any of the obvious risk factors, like high blood pressure. They said, maybe it’s because I have such low blood pressure? That a BP reading that most would take as “normal” would be enough of a spike that my eyeballs, used to very low BP, just go kaboing? I will definitely be asking about that in Friday’s appointment. 

Worst night ever

Decided to try attending an important event at my theatre. Lobby was overwhelming so I sat down early and kept fairly quiet. But I got a bad headache, that came like a stabbing feeling above my left eye. Then I felt like there was something happening behind my right eye. I tried to ignore it but it was uncomfortable so eventually I found a moment where I could sneak out to the washroom. 

My eye was all bloody. 

I've had subconjunctival hematoma before (twice) but both times I didn't feel it at all. This feeling was different and combined with the headache (which is like a slow throb, just getting stabbed once an hour like when I had appendicitis) I started feeling anxious and walked to the ER at Toronto Western Hospital (just a block away).

I've been here 4 hours sitting in various chairs and only just now got some orange juice after I started crying. (I had been waiting 2 hours and just learned that the hospital coffee shop was still open and was about to grab something when they called me from the main waiting room to the exam area, where I waited another 2 hours.)

20 minutes later... when I started writing this no one had talked to me for 2 hours; now I have been given juice and a bed. Doctor has had a brief look and disappeared again.

I am going to try to nap

3am update... had a CT-scan about an hour ago and just now had some blood drawn. 

Here's a decoy photo of my dumb pleather pants to push the gross eyeball photo below the fold:

Don't scroll down if you don't want to be grossed out

Really 

You've been warned 

Odd Bunch recipe: Sweet Potato, Kale, and White Bean soup

Last week’s box contained sweet potatoes and kale, so this was the obvious choice.

January is soup weather

Sweet Potato, Kale, and White Bean Soup

Ingredients:

½ cup dried cannellini or other white bean
2 sprigs rosemary
1 small onion, diced
2 sweet potatoes, diced
1 head garlic
olive oil
salt & pepper
1 bunch kale, chopped
6 cups chicken or vegetable stock

Directions:

Put beans, rosemary, and onion in a dutch oven and cover with water. Leave overnight.

Combine potatoes and garlic in a baking dish. Toss to coat with oil, and season with salt and pepper. Roast 1 hour at 350°F for one hour.

At the same time, simmer beans for one hour, adding chopped kale for the last 5 minutes.

Drain beans, discarding rosemary., and return to dutch oven. Add the stock.

Mash the potatoes and garlic, add to the dutch oven with everything else.

Simmer, covered, for 30 minutes.

Oof oof.

Double post today because it is double plus ungood.

I considered not going to tango class tonight—have I mentioned tango yet? Let me back up a bit.

I decided to try doing a tango class this January. It’s a low-risk investment—close to home (City Dance Corps, where I took tap!), I’ve done it before so have some experience, only four classes and I got a discount, so inexpensive. I was really, really missing my tap classes—for mental health reasons as much as anything else, tap always boosted my mood—but no way would I survive that level of noise, speed, memory, and balance! Tango is more chill. The music is chill. The moves are chill (at least for beginners). So I started tango again, and it was great! 

The first week we just worked on the basic walk, transfer of weight, and leading/following. It felt like exactly the right way to get back into things. Basic steps, a partner to hold onto, and also good balance and proprioception work. The whole thing about following is listening with your body. Focusing on your posture, “maintaining your frame” by keeping your back long and upright, and your arms firm. Feeling where your partner is taking you, knowing where your feet are without looking, feeling when your partner transfers their weight and transferring your own accordingly. Feeling your body weight going down through your spine through your apex and into the floor. And—the joy of dance! The joy of being in a room full of people, held together with music and movement.

The second week we added salidas and rebounds. Salidas involve taking the basic walk and transfer of weight and making a pattern—back, left, forward, forward, right, transfer—with the leader choosing the tempo of steps to follow the tempo of music. The leader might also add additional directional steps as needed for traffic control (with everyone having different length strides and different speeds, we had a few narrowly missed collisions! Rebounds are very simple—basically the dancers gently rock back and forth, transferring weight from front foot to back foot without putting full weight on either, to “buy time” if the floor is crowded, or gently redirect the follower to a clear area. Very much listening with your body, transferring weight, feeling your balance, in the arms of your partner.

So this week. This week I was coming in late. I was feeling pretty zoned out after my crashout in the afternoon, and the 10-minute notification on my phone caught me off-guard. I considered not going. But I pulled on my boots, through my dance shoes in my bag, thinking about how good it felt the previous two weeks, thinking about how even if I started in a bad mood, I was always in a good mood by the end of tap class. A couple of other people were coming in late too, and we chatted as we shed our winter gear. And I stepped into studio three, and—they were doing ochos.

Ochos, without partners.

“Project your right foot forward, transfer the weight, and as you do, pivot your frame towards the mirror, then pivot on your right foot—”

Pivoting, on one foot. Without even a partner to hold onto. 

I tried, a couple of times. I just felt shakier and shakier. I should have know this was coming; I remember practising these moves at home with my hands against the wall, two years ago when I first took tango. 

(It occurs to me now, I could have tried to practise against a wall in the studio, but possibly the most irritating concussion symptom is slow processing speed—I never think of these things in the moment when they would be useful!) 

Anyway I quietly took my leave, hoping to go unnoticed. Another latecomer was arriving—taking his boots off, as I put mine on—and said, “Done already?” I explained about the concussion and the ochos and the balance and probably wasn’t very clear but was mainly focussed on not crying until I was outside on my own.

And then I got home to find the landlord had shovelled the basement entrance, and up to the wheelie bins, but stopped short of the steps so I still had snow to wade through. And this morning I got told off by the postal carrier for not having shovelled, but I just can’t. I still get pain in my shoulder from doing my physio exercises (basically lift your arm, hold for 5 seconds, lower slowly, 10 reps to the front, 10 in the scapular plane, 10 to the side) and Angus says it will be another few weeks before the inflammation in my rotator cuff has healed. 

But I look normal so I must be fine, right?

Just feeling so frustrated today. 

Oof.

Not a good day today. 

Had a team meeting which started out with an agenda but which went off on fifteen different tangents. I struggled to keep up and take notes, but the stuff I needed to discuss never got addressed because we ran out of time. They probably would’ve kept going, but I said I could not do more than an hour (yay self advocacy, do I get a gold star?) and my brain was short circuiting towards the end. 

Didn’t get to the gym as I had another meeting right after lunch, but went for a little walk at least. Second meeting, I just fell apart about five minutes in, and just thinking about it hours later makes me cry. Some days I feel almost normal and some days I feel like I’ll never be the same again. 

I guess I should follow up on my disability paperwork because this is just not working.

Anyway I took a little (longer than intended) break and had a herbal tea and a cookie, and another cookie, and in the end about nine cookies. I find overwhelm is followed by overwhelming appetite. And now I have no cookies left to eat. 

The last of the cookies, now all gone

Three-ingredient peanut butter cookies 

Ingredients:

1 cup peanut butter (all natural but with salt)
1 egg
¾ cup sugar (I used brown)

Directions:

Beat together peanut butter and egg.

Mix in sugar.

Form into 1” balls. Place on cookie sheet. 

Flatten in criss-cross fashion with a fork dipped in water.

Bake at 375°F for 10-15 minutes.

It’s déjà vu all over again

I’m doing Couch to 5k! Yes, the same running-for-beginners program I started thirteen years ago!

I decided that I need some kind of a framework to help me stay focused and see progress, and C25K seems as good as any. It’s straightforward, easy to follow, easy to modify (other times I’ve done it, I needed to repeat weeks as I built up my fitness, and I think the first time I tried it I only got to week four).

Thankfully, the treadmill at my gym has a setting for intervals, so it’s easy to do the walk-jog-walk-jog pattern that the early weeks follow. I’m experimenting with what speeds work for me (currently doing a 3.5mph walk and 5.5mph jog), and can always add a lil incline if feeling energetic. 

I have friends cheering me on too, which is such a comfort! Some days I feel like a total ding-dong with my baby steps—I’ve run a handful of 10ks, I should be better than this!—so having people cheer my recovery means a lot.

Now I’m feeling teary and I don’t even know anymore what’s a legit emotion and what is concussion-overwhelm… 

As much as it pains me to say it...

I am trying to go gluten-free.

Anyone who knows me, knows this goes against everything I believe in, i.e. that the greatest thing since sliced bread is toast. I love gluten. But some people say gf can help with concussion recovery, so I’m giving it a shot.

So far, I've been at it since Monday lunchtime (I had rye toast for breakfast). Have I noticed a difference? No. But my understanding from the anti-gluten faction is you need to give it a solid two weeks to see results.

And this week, again, has had ups and downs. But I want to go from ups to upper-ups.

My up this week: going to the theatre for the first time in months. Went to see Company, my all-time favourite musical. And I was okay! What I think helped: I was well-fed beforehand (salade niçoise with a massive fresh yellowfin steak), and my friend drove and hovered around me in the lobby beforehand, we got seated early, and I avoided the lobby altogether at intermission.

My down this week: tried—failed!—to go to Mandarin for lunch on Saturday. It was kiddo’s birthday, so I made the effort, despite my concerns (crowds, chaos). What I think hindered: I was already a bit tired and headachey (theatre meant I was late getting home, and chatting with kiddo kept me up further past my bedtime), the TTC was its usual failure of a self, with cancelled and rescheduled buses, and subsequent punctuality anxiety. Also, the paving at Eglinton station is just off. Instead of regular rectangles, it’s irregular diamond-shapes that made it feel like things were sliding off to the side even if the ground may have been level. Bad lighting in the station, feeling disoriented when we reached the street, and then a huge crush of people at the heavily-ornamented restaurant. Nope. I didn’t even make it as far as the table before I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

My next challenge: Friday I have tickets for Rachmaninoff at TSO. What I hope will help: being well-rested to start with, getting downtown early and having an early dinner so I’m relaxed and well-fed when I get to Roy Thomson Hall. I have a gift certificate for Earl’s, not normally my kinda restaurant, but being a chain it’s easy to suss out the gluten free options, so I can keep up the gf thing and still eat some good food (the gf dessert option is white chocolate crème brûlée!), and it’s a short stroll to the symphony from there. Do I dare to wear heels, which I have not since October? I guess the weather will decide that one.

30 grams of protein and no gluten 

Not a good day

Ugh. Yesterday was bad, today is not good either. 

Yesterday I tried to take the subway across town to meet a colleague from my congregation. That seemed doable when I planned it. But by the time I was on the subway, not so much. And then the subway, being the subway, had problems of its own. Service was halted, a train in sight, stopped in the tunnel instead of at the platform. There was an announcement about track work and a shutdown further east (just a few stops from my destination). Finally the train pulled into the station, but almost as soon as it started rolling, there was an announcement that it would be going out of service. We all exited at the next station, St George, where in addition to the high pitched metal-on-metal squeal of our train starting and stopping, there was the aggressive thundering rumble of trains on another platform overhead. 

It was all too much. 

I texted my colleague that I wouldn’t be able to make it, and went upstairs to wait 17 minutes in the cold for a bus back to my neighbourhood. But at least I could be outside in relative quiet. 

Anyway. 

Today I was hoping to see my doctor but they told me the wrong time so I have to go back Monday. And I emailed my work that I just can’t handle as much as they want me to do. And now I’m in bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon with a headache and nausea. 

I was so hopeful last week! Seems like a lifetime ago.

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Mixed emotions

Feeling all the feelings right now. 

I had a real sense of optimism over the break. Reading about other people’s recoveries, making lunchtime cardio a regular habit (I even stepped up to a jog on the treadmill today), getting through a visit to Waterloo (which caused a major regression last time I tried). 

But I just got an email from my work about going on long-term disability. 

Which, I get it. Paperwork has its own timetable and it’s been almost three months (just typing that is depressing). But it’s like being told, “we don’t think you’re going to get better.” And that is depressing as hell. 

But also some of my intense emotional response to it might be due to the concussion itself. The overwhelm and crying, among my least favourite symptoms.

This morning I took “before” pics to add to the collection of progress pics I’ve posted over the years. Before as in, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” But now I’m just feeling down. And like Lucy van Pelt, I don’t want ups and downs. I want ups and ups. Why can’t I go from ups to upper ups?

Anyway, here are the today pictures, whether there’s an after for them to be before, only time will tell. 

My noodle arm 

Run Towards the Danger

So I finally finished the book Run Towards the Danger this morning and it has me thinking all kinds of things, but more importantly, feeling hopeful.

I’ve been going to the gym pretty steadily for the past week and a half, doing the sub-symptom threshold cardio and trying to keep my heartrate between 80 and 90 (around 50% MHR for me). My heartrate usually tends to be on the high side, I work on regulating it through slowing down, breathing exercises, etc. (I’ve found gazing at the potted plants helps). It’s pretty boring, but I do my best.

I will also admit I have slacked off on the shoulder physio, because doing that consistently for a couple of days will give me a day of headache, so I have to rest to recover.

In the book, the expert Sarah Polley sees insists, just like the title, she needs to “Run towards the danger.” Do the stuff that makes her brain hurt. And when the symptoms come, instead of resting, exercising (she has a routine of fast-paced vestibular exercises to do).

I sadly do not have thousands of dollars to go to Pittsburgh to visit this clinic, but I want to try my own little experiment. In a low-risk way (not in a way where I risk falling and hitting my head again).

Amping up my cardio (while staying on the stationary bike, no chance of falling). And doing cardio when I feel symptoms coming on, and also talking myself through my symptoms.

One thing that happens to me when I’m experiencing cognitive stress or visual stress is that I feel a wave of heat wash over me. I’ve taken that as a signal to stop what I’m doing—finish my session with my SAD therapy lamp for example. Today I felt that rush of heat on the bike at the gym, but instead of stopping or slowing down, I just said, “This is a normal response,” and kept going. It went away.

After getting home, when I sat down to write this, I felt a headache starting. Instead of, “Oh no, a headache,” I said, “That’s just my brain fixing itself,” and the pain dissipated. Placebo effect? Maybe? Probably? Who cares, I don’t have a headache.

One of the things she mentions in the book is she started saying yes to all of the social events she had been avoiding. Man, I would very much like to get back to socialising. But I want to be mindful about how I do all this stuff, and not just knock myself out and set myself up for regression. I do have a number of things planned for January—things I planned before my accident, mostly, and a few I planned figuring, “Surely, I’ll be better by then”—so my goal for now is not to plan more, but to not need to cancel anything. 

Part of me wants to set a crazy goal, like running a marathon this fall (literally running towards to the danger). I don’t know about that. But maybe. We talked about getting a team going to fundraise for the theatre I’m on the board of, so maybe?? Is that nuts? 

I guess the first step is to see how I do tomorrow.

For now, I’m going to try going to the grocery store—an overstimulating place I’ve avoided—since my kid is here with me to support if I need it. Tomorrow he goes back to university, and I am intending to take the train with him. Last time I did a day trip to Waterloo, it knocked me out and I needed to rest a few days to recover. What if this time, instead of resting to recover, I stick to my cardio routine? We shall see…