Exposure

I was just looking at my exposure therapy plans and fleshing out the details looking at the TTC website. For example, my next step says, “Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station,” but how to do that? How to get to a busy station, how to get home from a busy station? Which routes are currently changed (e.g. Spadina streetcars were replaced by buses for a while, is that still happening?)

Looking at the service updates page, I noticed an item on the long-awaited Eglinton Crosstown line, and looked at the map. There’s a stop at Kennedy, near the Rama Gaming House where I had my fall. RGH is definitely a place I’ve thought of as a peak-stimulus spot on the exposure hierarchy. Lights and noise and a general sense of guilt… how would I work up to going someplace like that?

And just thinking about it, I tear up.

A little panic, a little fear. Could I go there? Just to walk in the door, look around, and then skedaddle off for a saving treat? I would need someone to go with me, who would go with me? 

Just thinking about it makes me cry.

Will I ever go to Bike Rave again? Will I ever even ride a bicycle?

How is this even happening?

Sometimes it just seems insane that I was transformed in the blink of an eye from someone who was out six nights a week, biking across the city to the theatre and Midnight Madness events that end at 2am while at the same time working at a day job. Seriously, in September I’d leave home at 8, bike to work (often arriving early, first person in the office), go on a group social ride after, and then see a show at 9:30—that was a Monday.

Funny, I remember thinking during pandemic lockdown—how is this happening? And then after things were back to normal—did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? 

I hope I get back to normal again. I hope there comes a time when I look back on these dark months as a wacky anomaly—“Remember the winter that I didn’t leave the house? That was so weird!”

I really need to believe that can happen.  

Late night update because it just hit me

How much of my intense reaction to the horrible Dr Firdouse is related to memories his terrible treatment  of me brings back of the arrogant surgeon who misdiagnosed my mother’s cancer and put us through months of agony?

Just had a moment of anger at Dr Firdouse’s incompetence and realised it was the same anger I felt towards that surgeon. Both arrogant people who arrived at their own conclusions without looking at the actual patient. Ugh. 

I am generally a champion of our medical system, but like any system, it’s only as strong as it’s weakest link, and quacks like Firdouse are the weakest.   

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.