A day of contrasts

Of all kinds, literal and figurative. 

I started yesterday feeling awful. Post-concussion nausea? Straight-up stomach cramps? Seemed to be the latter; I blame the “boneless wings” I had for lunch on Sunday (restaurant chosen by a relative). All day I had cramping and stabbing pains off and on, that had me looking up “spleen pain” to see if I was actually dying. 

I did force myself to go to the gym regardless; being a light cardio day I told myself I could leave early if I wanted. And this is dumb, but I knew I was due for an “award” for a 12-week attendance streak. I am like a kid with a sticker chart! Silly, but it does motivate me.

I am on fire!

Then I went home to clutch my belly for a while longer. Waah.

I had a couple of late afternoon appointments that I had been looking forward to, but worried my upset stomach would keep me from. Nevertheless, I soldiered on.

First was an orientation at the neighbourhood secret sauna.

The neighbourhood oasis 

You’d never guess from the outside, but a nondescript building in my neighbourhood is actually a gorgeous little sauna. 

I’ve long enjoyed contrast therapy, and for the past five or so years have been a semi regular at the Banya in Mississauga. I go with a friend and we spend the entire day there. I had been longing to go, but worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Anecdotally, I’ve heard both good and bad things about contrast therapy for people with post-concussion syndrome. I asked my doctor at the Toronto Concussion Clinic and they said, “It depends.”

Temperature regulation is a function of the autonomic system—all the stuff your brain tells your body to do without you really being aware of it. Balance is also under the autonomic system. So if you’re really pushing your autonomic system with one task—temperature regulation—it may not have the juice left for another—balance.

I reeeeally wanted to go to Banya, but I didn’t want to say to my friend, “Hey, drive me across the city to this place that costs $60 but maybe I won’t feel well and I’ll need you to drive me home after twenty minutes.” Then, I found out about a new sauna in the neighbourhood that’s more poshy-posh but I could walk there (and get home easily if need be), and we started talking about when we could go there. Then, I found out about the secret sauna, and booked the orientation.

It felt great! 

I was anxious about feeling off-balance—imagine falling into the coals?!—and whether I would be able to manage the cold plunge. I did have an experience at Banya a couple of years ago where I got the shakes and needed my friend to bring me tea and warm towels to use as a blanket while I lay on a sofa to recover. But I was okay! Got in and out without a struggle, although I barely stayed in for a moment.

I felt exhilarated after! And ready to go to my next lil appointment a brisk fifteen-minute walk away.

Part of me of course is thinking, “Wow, this is it! I have found the cure! A few more sauna trips and I’ll be fully recovered!” But another part of me remembers that I felt that way for about two days after reading Sarah Polley’s book, and apparently having a few good days and feeling inspired is not a guarantee of anything.

So far today, I feel okay (the day-after-feeling seems to be my litmus test for a lot of things). I was going to do a “practice workday” experience today (two hours of stuffing envelopes at a theatre in my neighbourhood) but just got notice that was cancelled. Maybe I’ll try the next step in TTC exposure therapy instead? 

Worst night ever

Decided to try attending an important event at my theatre. Lobby was overwhelming so I sat down early and kept fairly quiet. But I got a bad headache, that came like a stabbing feeling above my left eye. Then I felt like there was something happening behind my right eye. I tried to ignore it but it was uncomfortable so eventually I found a moment where I could sneak out to the washroom. 

My eye was all bloody. 

I've had subconjunctival hematoma before (twice) but both times I didn't feel it at all. This feeling was different and combined with the headache (which is like a slow throb, just getting stabbed once an hour like when I had appendicitis) I started feeling anxious and walked to the ER at Toronto Western Hospital (just a block away).

I've been here 4 hours sitting in various chairs and only just now got some orange juice after I started crying. (I had been waiting 2 hours and just learned that the hospital coffee shop was still open and was about to grab something when they called me from the main waiting room to the exam area, where I waited another 2 hours.)

20 minutes later... when I started writing this no one had talked to me for 2 hours; now I have been given juice and a bed. Doctor has had a brief look and disappeared again.

I am going to try to nap

3am update... had a CT-scan about an hour ago and just now had some blood drawn. 

Here's a decoy photo of my dumb pleather pants to push the gross eyeball photo below the fold:

Don't scroll down if you don't want to be grossed out

Really 

You've been warned 

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.

So I went to the dentist

And it wasn’t that bad!

I mean it wasn’t great either, I just imagined it being a lot worse.

I wore and eye mask, and let everyone know what had happened with me, and everyone was very calm and soothing. Helped too I think that it was a pretty minor filling, I was done in about thirty minutes. I did find myself weeping randomly in the chair, and sat for about ten minutes in the waiting room before I felt ready to go, and then sat at the subway station for about another 15 minutes waiting for my bus.

Stars aligned so that a vintage red velvet coat I had been pining for was available to pick up not far away, pretty much on my way home, and near the home of the best sandwich in the city. My dentist is also conveniently located near some nice bakeries and a bookstore where I had an order waiting (totally forgot about that—was supposed to pick it up six weeks ago, the day before my fall!), so I had picked up a book and a slice of cake on my way there, and went to the vintage & arts market and deli on my way home.

The day had started looking fairly grim (I was worried I would get rained on) but by the time I got off the bus near the market, the sun was glorious. I feel so much better when it’s sunny! I arrived a little early, so meandered around the store a bit. Wandering in junky antique stores has been a favourite pastime since I was in school, so it was really nice to do something that felt “normal,” like I’m me again. Even if I did need to leave my bag because it was feeling too heavy. I found a cute bracelet in red quartzite which supposedly brings “power, concentration, and strength” (all things I desperately need!) and is also a lovely colour. I saw some glasses I might go back for. And the coat is perfect—the most gorgeous colour, and in mint condition.

It felt so nice to be doing things I like doing, and feeling able to to them!

I was super exhausted when I got home and today my arm hurts like crazy, but what can you do. Had planned to get my glasses adjusted today, but I think I need to stay home. I walked over 2km yesterday, so a rest day is well earned. Maybe I’ll bake something; I need to outpace my veg box.

Best coat ever

The Honest Abe from When the Pig Came Home

Smetanyk slice from Cake Smith

Monday check-in

It’s a holiday Monday, and I’m grateful that I got to sleep in today after a weekend of hiking, archery, attempting a high ropes course, and sleeping on a camp mattress that was profoundly uncomfortable. Very grateful to remember I had some Aleve in the cupboard. And that I pre-booked a visit to my physiotherapist.

Also, I had spotting yesterday, and seem to have my period today, 17 days from the last one (16 if you count yesterday as the beginning). Previous was 84 days. Just a slight fluctuation. Sigh.

This has also come with an upset stomach. Or maybe that’s from all the processed food I ate over the weekend. Either way, I’m still taking the PPI, and it still doesn’t seem to be helping my cough or my digestion (TMI processed food gives me terrible gas... I wonder if it’s related to my sensitivity to propylene glycol, an ingredient found in everything from shampoo to salad dressing).

Overdue check-in

Said I was gonna do this daily, whoops...

Firstly, my physio asked me to keep track of how long it lasts when he “fixes” me, quantified as “when can you do a shoulder check on your bike.”

Last time he fixed me was Friday. Saturday was fine. Sunday was twingy. Monday I didn’t ride but tried turning while walking and it was twingy. Tuesday was definitely the “this hurts” stage. 

Secondly, the proton pump inhibitor (PPI—did I remember that right?) effect. 

So far, no change to cough.

Had one night last week which was extremely bad, up in the night with heartburn on top of coughing and indigestion. Things have settled down but I am still coughing. Also having mucous in stool, which is weird but not a problem otherwise.

An epiphany?

Posted this elsewhere but those I’d park it here for future reference.

My shoulder has been a mess. Two visits to physio so far and another this Friday… normally it should have gotten better after the first go, but nope.

Anyway a friend of mine was dealing with shoulder issues last year which she initially thought was a rotator cuff injury, but turned out to be “frozen shoulder” related to perimenopause. I wondered if my current shoulder issue is perimenopause-related as well, and that’s why it’s not improving.

And then it occurred to me… what if it was perimenopause the first time and people just didn’t know about the connection yet?

I’ve also been getting wicked headaches, another symptom I experienced before going on BCP.

Maybe later I will dig through my old posts  and see if there are any correlations between me going on BCP/HRT and the shoulder getting better. I do not like this, whatever the cause. 

Is it happening?

So years ago, I went to my doctor with an array of symptoms—headaches, bad acne, night sweats, general misery—you can guess what that was about. They put me on low-dose birth control, as a sort of “HRT-lite” for perimenopause symptoms. 

And it was great! I got my period maybe twice a year, felt fine, symptoms went away, I was my old self again.

Well, the last time I tried to get my prescription renewed, they said I was too old and it was no longer safe.

I can’t remember if I posted about the last time I stopped taking BCP.

It was December 2021. I had just gotten my prescription, but got covid before I could fill it, and I was in isolation for two weeks. As soon as that was up, I picked up my pills, and waited for my period to start taking them (way back when I started, that was the instruction: start the pack on the Sunday after your period starts).

So I waited and waited. Months go by. I thought maybe I was free. But then in April, it comes, and it’s a doozy. “The Waterfall” is what we call it. Utterly brutal and I had no supplies. I spent a week clutching a hot water bottle to my belly, never straying more than a few metres from my bathroom, just in case.

A doctor friend told me, “Sometimes there’s one last big one and then you’re done.” So I didn’t start the pill right away, in hopes (again!) that I might be free. 

Nope.

After Waterfall #2, I got back on the pill and have been on it ever since. Until now.

And I’ve started having symptoms. Food cravings, pimples, some I won’t go into here, but what’s really getting to me are the headaches. Excruciating headaches. I was flabbergasted for a couple of days until I remembered, oh yeah, this was one of my symptoms at the start of this whole process.

Trying to remember if I had headaches back in spring of 2022, but I probably would have assumed it was covid-related back then anyway.

I am just really, really hoping there is no repeat of The Waterfall.

Starting to notice a pattern

A couple of weeks ago I had drinks with an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. She had been unhappy with her weight and was working on it, and had lost about 25 lbs. 

Suddenly, she didn’t need to take pain meds anymore! She had been taking Aleve twice a day because her hip hurt and stairs were murder, but the pain has gone away since she lost the weight.

As she said, “Diet and exercise! Who knew?”

Who indeed.

I saw someone else make a similar comment recently. They had been in the obese category of BMI (yes I know it’s discredited, but that’s the stat available to me), had lost weight due to various changes in diet and nutrition that were mainly lifestyle-related (changing work location, social things, etc.). They had been perfectly healthy according to all of the bloodwork measures of metabolic wellbeing (sugars, cholesterol, etc.) but needed painkillers every night because of joint pain. And after losing 30 lbs just by living differently, their chronic joint pain went away.

It’s probably due to the exercise more than the diet, I would guess, which is a double-edged sword. How do you get the motivation to move when you’re hurting? Even knowing that it will help in the long run isn’t very motivating, because it’s not a quick fix. You have to wait to feel the results.

But if ever there was inspiration to eat right and get moving, freedom from pain is it! I wonder how many other people have these stories?

Sweet relief

I saw Angus this morning! Thank goodness. He knew exactly what to do and I can turn my head again. My shoulder is a bit sore, but that's to be expected. And, I have been remembering my fish oil and vitamins. and nerve flossing.

Still dead tired though. Yesterday was the worst; my back was giving me so much pain on Wednesday that I thought I’d take a leftover Dilaudid from my hospital stay. Big mistake! My back still hurt, but I was so dopey! Even when I got up Thursday, I was still dopey and sleepy all day long. I made a tactical error, thinking, “oh, I’ll have some coffee and be fine,” but all it did really was keep me from sleeping, when I think sleeping it off properly was the one thing that might have helped. I eventually fell asleep around 3:30 and when I woke up a couple of hours later, I felt a lot better.

But I am never taking those pain killers again!

Back to work...

First day was yesterday, and I was tired before I even got there! Ended up going home a bit early, just pooped.

Also, my back pain has started up again. Not surprising; when I’m sick I have trouble eating, and supplements go by the wayside. I did remember to take my fish oil yesterday, and I’m going to take today’s dose right now! Also did some “nerve flossing” this morning, which I think helped a bit.