Starting over, starting now

I feel sometimes like I have started from scratch a dozen times since last fall.

Today’s new start is new meds, cholesterol diet, and trying some faux-work experiments (aka work conditioning lite). I am nearly done my Insomnia CBT course and sleeping a lot better, so maybe if the new meds work I’m ready for it? Having my blood pressure back and bloating (from previous meds) gone makes me feel so much better.

Started the morning by going to the gym (determined to make 30 days this month, not giving myself an excuse miss it), then a breakfast of all the omega-3s, and CBT-i. Next is a volunteer usher shift (my second!) which is my faux-work for the day. Early dinner (lentils, kale, butternut squash), then going downtown to watch the Oscars at the Lightbox (I will not be staying till the end—and as I type this, I’m remembering that I meant to change my ticket to be on the aisle, oops). This will be a chance to both practise subway riding and extended focus. Exposure and endurance.

This week I am planning various tests and work-adjacent things—volunteer envelope stuffing, practice driving, doing my taxes, finishing some stuff that I’ve put off for months (medical complaint against Dr Firdouse, divorce paperwork, various stuff for my kiddo), sewing a garment (I figure that’s a good exercise in project management as well as focus and follow through). Basically, I want to live like I’m working (at a made-up job) on a reduced schedule, and see if I can at least do that, and then grow from there.

I feel like it’s time for me to enter the home stretch, or at least see if I can survive it.

Breakfast of champions

So wrecked.

Feeling some kind of a way but maybe it’s just because I’ve been feeling off all week. 

Part of it is stomach upset from the junk food lunch we had on the weekend. 

Part of it is the looming six-month anniversary of my tumble, coincidentally also my birthday. 

I thought I would be better by now. 

Last fall, six months was the longest I thought it could take. At the beginning of this year, 31 March was one of the dates on my LTD letter and I sort of mentally noted it as “will be better by then.” 

Now those dates are coming soon and filling me with anxiety. 

Part of me is frantically thinking, “What else can I try?” I still haven’t called the osteopath my friend recommended (I’m honestly unsure what osteopaths even do). I had the idea the other day of seeing a speech-language pathologist since it seems to be speech where my cognitive difficulties really overwhelm me. I had the idea this morning to try Improv classes to “work those muscles.” Why didn’t I think of that months ago? (Answer: I wasn’t capable of thinking months ago.)

I am typing all this from the waiting room of my doctor’s office, to follow up on some bloodwork results, anx probably get another lab req.

And wondering: 

Do I tread extra carefully now so I don’t mess up my progress as I approach the finish line?

Or do I go hard, to guarantee that I will be either 100% better or 100% obviously not when 31 March rolls around?

So this is why I feel like crap

Update from the exam room, my blood pressure is low even for me! No wonder I was feeling pooped climbing stairs on my way here from the gym. 

A day of contrasts

Of all kinds, literal and figurative. 

I started yesterday feeling awful. Post-concussion nausea? Straight-up stomach cramps? Seemed to be the latter; I blame the “boneless wings” I had for lunch on Sunday (restaurant chosen by a relative). All day I had cramping and stabbing pains off and on, that had me looking up “spleen pain” to see if I was actually dying. 

I did force myself to go to the gym regardless; being a light cardio day I told myself I could leave early if I wanted. And this is dumb, but I knew I was due for an “award” for a 12-week attendance streak. I am like a kid with a sticker chart! Silly, but it does motivate me.

I am on fire!

Then I went home to clutch my belly for a while longer. Waah.

I had a couple of late afternoon appointments that I had been looking forward to, but worried my upset stomach would keep me from. Nevertheless, I soldiered on.

First was an orientation at the neighbourhood secret sauna.

The neighbourhood oasis 

You’d never guess from the outside, but a nondescript building in my neighbourhood is actually a gorgeous little sauna. 

I’ve long enjoyed contrast therapy, and for the past five or so years have been a semi regular at the Banya in Mississauga. I go with a friend and we spend the entire day there. I had been longing to go, but worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Anecdotally, I’ve heard both good and bad things about contrast therapy for people with post-concussion syndrome. I asked my doctor at the Toronto Concussion Clinic and they said, “It depends.”

Temperature regulation is a function of the autonomic system—all the stuff your brain tells your body to do without you really being aware of it. Balance is also under the autonomic system. So if you’re really pushing your autonomic system with one task—temperature regulation—it may not have the juice left for another—balance.

I reeeeally wanted to go to Banya, but I didn’t want to say to my friend, “Hey, drive me across the city to this place that costs $60 but maybe I won’t feel well and I’ll need you to drive me home after twenty minutes.” Then, I found out about a new sauna in the neighbourhood that’s more poshy-posh but I could walk there (and get home easily if need be), and we started talking about when we could go there. Then, I found out about the secret sauna, and booked the orientation.

It felt great! 

I was anxious about feeling off-balance—imagine falling into the coals?!—and whether I would be able to manage the cold plunge. I did have an experience at Banya a couple of years ago where I got the shakes and needed my friend to bring me tea and warm towels to use as a blanket while I lay on a sofa to recover. But I was okay! Got in and out without a struggle, although I barely stayed in for a moment.

I felt exhilarated after! And ready to go to my next lil appointment a brisk fifteen-minute walk away.

Part of me of course is thinking, “Wow, this is it! I have found the cure! A few more sauna trips and I’ll be fully recovered!” But another part of me remembers that I felt that way for about two days after reading Sarah Polley’s book, and apparently having a few good days and feeling inspired is not a guarantee of anything.

So far today, I feel okay (the day-after-feeling seems to be my litmus test for a lot of things). I was going to do a “practice workday” experience today (two hours of stuffing envelopes at a theatre in my neighbourhood) but just got notice that was cancelled. Maybe I’ll try the next step in TTC exposure therapy instead? 

Is it me, or…

So I started a new migraine medication this week, propranolol.

Previously, I had been taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention, with mixed results (maybe it would have been worse without? But I did have that nasty incident that drove me to ER). A friend suggested I ask my doctor about Qulipta. My insurance wouldn’t approve Qulipta until I “failed” two other medications. So amitriptyline was one, and propranolol will be two—or maybe it will just work and I can stay on it?

Here’s the thing with propranolol—the side effects include lowering heartrate and blood pressure. For most people, that’s a win. As someone with low blood pressure normally, it makes me a lil nervous. I already have issues with feeling lightheaded if I stand up too quickly, and now we’re doubling down on that? Hmmm…

My first treadmill run the day after starting it went really well. It was the first day of week 5 of Couch to 5k, which feels like a bit of a jump from week 4 (week 5 feels like a bit of a jump every day). I was pleased at how manageable it seemed, and noted also that my peak heartrate wasn’t as high as it had gotten two days prior when I was finishing up week 4. Meds, maybe? 

Today, though, I just felt off. My skin felt prickly? Or almost pins-and-needles but not quite? I repeated day 1 (5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog) instead of progressing to day 2 (8 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 8 minute jog) because 5 minutes of jogging felt like I was really pushing it. Afterwards, my skin was super blotchy—really flushed in some areas (face, chest), really pale in others (neck). 

Blotchy!

So, I thought maybe I should look up the side effects (up till now, I’ve only known what the doc and pharmacist told me). Here we go…

From Migraine Again:

Propranolol is a beta-blocker medication developed in the 1960s to treat chest pain and high blood pressure… By blocking adrenaline, propranolol slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces the dilation of peripheral blood vessels (is that where the blotchiness came from?)… Propranolol may also reduce stimulation of the trigeminal nerves in the head, which contributes to the migraine process… Common potential side effects of propranolol include:

• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Drowsiness
• Fatigue
• Nausea (hmm, my tummy has been off lately)
• Exercise intolerance (ah, maybe that’s it)

Some readers reported intolerable side effects:

“I tried it, but it made me feel spaced out, I couldn’t concentrate, and my brain was always fuzzy—I’d rather have a migraine!”—GW (I am definitely spaced out, but I was already kinda spaced out, so…) 

“It did nothing to prevent migraine and gave me horrendous, vivid nightmares. I would not recommend it.”—MLA (not nightmares, but I have had difficulty sleeping and some vivid dreams!)

I was worried about having a “hangover” effect after last night’s struggles, but not doing too badly today (although I did almost start crying for no apparent reason on the way home from the gym). So maybe it’s helping with the anxiety too, which it is also supposed to do?

Guess just have to wait and see; often side effects go away as the body gets used to things.  

The Plan

So I seem to have a pattern of feeling a bit better, overdoing it in some way, and then feeling worse. Every two weeks. I am making progress, but it’s very much two steps forward, one step back. So I’m working on pacing myself a bit better. Hopefully.

First thing is making sure I have light cardio days instead of C25K on the treadmill every day (these would be light days for most normal people, but I am not most normal people). So, using one of the other machines—stationary bicycle or elliptical—and keeping my heartrate in the 110-116 range.

Second thing is building an exposure hierarchy to get gradually used to more.

For example, I have been able to manage a meal at a restaurant and going to the theatre with one other person who can be my point of focus and “sherpa” to get through hubbub and generally keep an eye on me (the incident where I ended up in hospital last month, I had no one person to focus on or look out for me, it was conversations in all directions). On Saturday, I had an early dinner with two friends. Later this month I was invited to a group dinner at a restaurant, which sounds kind of like a nightmare. But maybe book club would be a way to work up to that? There is hubbub, but usually people speak one at a time during the club meeting proper.

Another thing I struggle with is public transit. Streetcars are best. I can handle a bus if I have the right seat and it’s not a crazy route. Subways are the real sticking point. I have managed a Line 1 subway without problems a few times (never at rush hour though obviously) and am working on building my tolerance to Line 2, which is somehow wobblier (I guess due to older trains)? The main thing is avoiding St George station, where too much is going on due to the number of people transferring, and if on the Line 2 platform, I get overwhelmed by the thundering of Line 1 trains overhead on top of the screeching of the wheels on the tracks.

So my transit exposure hierarchy might look something like:

1. Take Line 1 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Museum)
2. Take Line 1 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours (e.g. Dupont to Osgoode)
3. Take Line 2 for three stops starting and ending at quiet stations in off-peak hours
4. Take Line 2 for six stops starting at a quiet station and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
5. Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
6. Take Line 2 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station in off-peak hours
7. Transfer at Spadina station in off-peak hours
8. Transfer at Bloor/Yonge station in off-peak hours
9. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 2 to Line 1)
10. Transfer at St George station in off-peak hours (Line 1 to Line 2)

And then repeat the whole thing but at rush hour.

That’s the exposure part of exposure therapy. The therapy part might look like having “rescue” options for managing stress during the exposure, like grounding exercises, techniques like havening, noise-cancelling headphones with soothing music, or bringing a journal to write out impressions during the ride; and honouring that this is hard work by rewarding with self-care treats (my go-to being hot chocolate and an almond croissant). 

I should look through my old therapy notes to see what else I can add here.

Anyway today’s exposure adventure is my first volunteer usher gig since the start of October (five months ago)! It’s at a theatre that is very close to home (a five-minute direct bus ride, I could walk there if I want), and has a straightforward set-up (unlike, say, Crow’s, where the layout changes with every production and there’s a lot of traffic management). Thinking I’ll make myself some hot chocolate to bring. I can feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it! But hopefully it will be an easy enough test to my system that I will pass with flying colours. 

And then, a few days’ rest, and on to the next! 

Back at it

I was not allowed to exercise for a week after a lil procedure I had done last Saturday (well, 5 days + discombobulation due to ophthalmology eyedrops) so it was nice to get back to the gym today. Especially because I’m feeling a bit like a blob (logging in here and seeing “It’s Sausage Week” might be another clue as to why that is).

I’m at the “pants feel tight” stage, which is when I usually put a lil effort into diet and exercise and get back on track, but not sure how that will work in light of my post-concussion brain. I need nutrition and specifically carbs (brains run on glucose!) to get better. The trick I guess is to get those needs met without going overboard in other areas.

Like fat. Pretty much every day I log my nutrition in Cronometer, and pretty much every day it tells me I’m way over budget on fat. Oops! The problem is, fat is yummy.

It’s funny how no one ever puts it that way. 

Like, I saw an infographic the other day about women’s clothing sizes and how they don’t match up (super annoying) and how they also don’t match up to actual women. Or should I say, actual American women. I mean yeah, I have definitely noticed that Japanese brands, for example, run way small compared to American brands. Last fall, when I had to buy a bunch of sweat pants and spaghetti strap cami tops—i.e. clothing I could easily step into and pull up with one hand—I had fun surprises when the same letter size was too small in one brand and too big in another. Simons and H&M had small smalls. Old Navy had huge smalls. Interesting to note, too, that the infographic left off most of the big American brands like Gap. Could it be that American brands cater to American markets, and European and Asian brands cater to European and Asian markets? If you look at a label from H&M, it lists about six different sizes—US, UK, Euro, China, Mexico, and Australia. They all have totally different systems. Why is is such a surprise that items designed and manufactured in different countries would use their own sizing instead of American sizing? US defaultism at its worst.

This at the same time as people are losing their minds over GLP-1 drugs. Are they going to save the world? Or destroy it? Is it “fair” that some people might get to be thin without “doing the work”? There was an editorial about this a few weeks ago marvelling about these things, most amusingly that the per capita cost of obesity in the US—roughly $200/month—is roughly the same as a prescription for these drugs. Give them to everyone! It’s gonna be great!

Which makes me inwardly groan at the thought of all the other wonder drugs that were expected to be panaceas and turned out to cause a whole host of unexpected problems. The marketing of these new drugs, and how easy it is for people to get prescriptions without even a real medical appointment, seems like a set up for disaster.

And shouldn’t the real question be, what caused this shift? Why are this many people in the US suddenly so overweight? At no time in history has there been such a massive shift in such a short period of time. And it’s pretty well confined to the US, although some countries are working to catch up. Why not figure out the root causes and work on those? Maybe stop adding corn syrup and soy to everything, maybe stop eating convenience foods in cars, maybe drive less and walk or bike more!

Anyway I’ve complained about this stuff enough elsewhere on this blog, so I’ll drop the subject for now, because I’m about to go to dinner with friends. A proper meal, sitting down and socialising with people as we break bread, not a solo drive-through dinner.

 

It’s déjà vu all over again

I’m doing Couch to 5k! Yes, the same running-for-beginners program I started thirteen years ago!

I decided that I need some kind of a framework to help me stay focused and see progress, and C25K seems as good as any. It’s straightforward, easy to follow, easy to modify (other times I’ve done it, I needed to repeat weeks as I built up my fitness, and I think the first time I tried it I only got to week four).

Thankfully, the treadmill at my gym has a setting for intervals, so it’s easy to do the walk-jog-walk-jog pattern that the early weeks follow. I’m experimenting with what speeds work for me (currently doing a 3.5mph walk and 5.5mph jog), and can always add a lil incline if feeling energetic. 

I have friends cheering me on too, which is such a comfort! Some days I feel like a total ding-dong with my baby steps—I’ve run a handful of 10ks, I should be better than this!—so having people cheer my recovery means a lot.

Now I’m feeling teary and I don’t even know anymore what’s a legit emotion and what is concussion-overwhelm… 

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Mixed emotions

Feeling all the feelings right now. 

I had a real sense of optimism over the break. Reading about other people’s recoveries, making lunchtime cardio a regular habit (I even stepped up to a jog on the treadmill today), getting through a visit to Waterloo (which caused a major regression last time I tried). 

But I just got an email from my work about going on long-term disability. 

Which, I get it. Paperwork has its own timetable and it’s been almost three months (just typing that is depressing). But it’s like being told, “we don’t think you’re going to get better.” And that is depressing as hell. 

But also some of my intense emotional response to it might be due to the concussion itself. The overwhelm and crying, among my least favourite symptoms.

This morning I took “before” pics to add to the collection of progress pics I’ve posted over the years. Before as in, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” But now I’m just feeling down. And like Lucy van Pelt, I don’t want ups and downs. I want ups and ups. Why can’t I go from ups to upper ups?

Anyway, here are the today pictures, whether there’s an after for them to be before, only time will tell. 

My noodle arm 

Run Towards the Danger

So I finally finished the book Run Towards the Danger this morning and it has me thinking all kinds of things, but more importantly, feeling hopeful.

I’ve been going to the gym pretty steadily for the past week and a half, doing the sub-symptom threshold cardio and trying to keep my heartrate between 80 and 90 (around 50% MHR for me). My heartrate usually tends to be on the high side, I work on regulating it through slowing down, breathing exercises, etc. (I’ve found gazing at the potted plants helps). It’s pretty boring, but I do my best.

I will also admit I have slacked off on the shoulder physio, because doing that consistently for a couple of days will give me a day of headache, so I have to rest to recover.

In the book, the expert Sarah Polley sees insists, just like the title, she needs to “Run towards the danger.” Do the stuff that makes her brain hurt. And when the symptoms come, instead of resting, exercising (she has a routine of fast-paced vestibular exercises to do).

I sadly do not have thousands of dollars to go to Pittsburgh to visit this clinic, but I want to try my own little experiment. In a low-risk way (not in a way where I risk falling and hitting my head again).

Amping up my cardio (while staying on the stationary bike, no chance of falling). And doing cardio when I feel symptoms coming on, and also talking myself through my symptoms.

One thing that happens to me when I’m experiencing cognitive stress or visual stress is that I feel a wave of heat wash over me. I’ve taken that as a signal to stop what I’m doing—finish my session with my SAD therapy lamp for example. Today I felt that rush of heat on the bike at the gym, but instead of stopping or slowing down, I just said, “This is a normal response,” and kept going. It went away.

After getting home, when I sat down to write this, I felt a headache starting. Instead of, “Oh no, a headache,” I said, “That’s just my brain fixing itself,” and the pain dissipated. Placebo effect? Maybe? Probably? Who cares, I don’t have a headache.

One of the things she mentions in the book is she started saying yes to all of the social events she had been avoiding. Man, I would very much like to get back to socialising. But I want to be mindful about how I do all this stuff, and not just knock myself out and set myself up for regression. I do have a number of things planned for January—things I planned before my accident, mostly, and a few I planned figuring, “Surely, I’ll be better by then”—so my goal for now is not to plan more, but to not need to cancel anything. 

Part of me wants to set a crazy goal, like running a marathon this fall (literally running towards to the danger). I don’t know about that. But maybe. We talked about getting a team going to fundraise for the theatre I’m on the board of, so maybe?? Is that nuts? 

I guess the first step is to see how I do tomorrow.

For now, I’m going to try going to the grocery store—an overstimulating place I’ve avoided—since my kid is here with me to support if I need it. Tomorrow he goes back to university, and I am intending to take the train with him. Last time I did a day trip to Waterloo, it knocked me out and I needed to rest a few days to recover. What if this time, instead of resting to recover, I stick to my cardio routine? We shall see…

Holiday plans

Just realising I haven’t posted here in a while. I have been journalling a bit in a notebook, although not consistently.

Now that the big holiday is past, I am hoping to establish some good daily routines while I’m off work.

I went to the gym on 23 & 24 December (even got on a stationary bike! Recumbent, but still), and will today as well. It is snowing like crazy outside, so I’m glad to have a place to exercise indoors! Also glad to have my bikes inside. Bluebell will spend the winter in the garage; when the xmas tree is down and the kid is due to go back to university, I’ll get him to put Lil Red on the indoor trainer for me. 

I have so many different vitamins and supplements I’m taking now it’s crazy. 

Creatine, collagen, glucosamine, omega-3, co-enzyme Q-10, vitamins B2, B12, B-complex, C, D, iron, and magnesium, each on their own schedule.

Also cognitive rehab exercises, cardio for cognitive rehab, cross-body integration exercises, shoulder mobility exercises. 

I am a lot better than I was! But also can tell when I overdo things, and feel crushed by fatigue or like I'm going to fall sideways.

Really hoping a full week of no obligations other than a physio appointment will set me up for continued progress even after I go back to work.

Cardio for concussion

This morning I had an exercise counselling session with a physiotherapist at the Toronto Concussion Clinic. The plan is “sub-symptom cardiovascular exercise training protocol.” Basically, try to maintain a consistent heartrate—starting at 50% of maximum heartrate (MHR)—for 20 minutes, without getting concussion symptoms. Warm up beforehand to get to that heartrate, maintain for 20 minutes, then cool down. My target heartrate at this point is 80-90.

I went for a little walk to the library today to print out the session notes (I have soooo many notes… I did finally buy a binder so I can organize them, but it feels like so much work), which is a walk I have done approximately one million times. Usually takes 13-15 minutes sauntering, depending on whether you have luck with the traffic light.

Today, it took me 21 minutes, and my heartrate was all over the place:

Heartrate 69-111?!

Hrmph.

It may well be that the watch I stopped wearing because it gave me a rash is not accurate (I have a new, hopefully better heartrate monitor on order). But it definitely felt like my heart was racing. And around the 14-minute mark, I was getting headaches and nausea. Do not like.

For comparison, here’s something I posted (not here, but an online discussion about fitness) a year and a bit ago:

Yesterday I checked my heartrate barely a minute after I got off my bike. I rode to work, 15 minutes averaging about 13mph, fastest was 22mph. According to one of the articles, cycling over 10mph is “vigorous activity.” Going by the how does it feel—breathing, perspiration, but can hold conversation—it would be “moderate activity.” I felt like my heart was pumping, so I went straight to the machine in the drugstore, and it said BP 105/60, pulse 73, which according to the charts is not even “low intensity” for a 75-year-old.

I’m like an entirely different person now.

Tomorrow I’m seeing Angus; I will bring my notes from the TCC physio to see if he has any tips/thoughts as the longterm keeper of my shoulder. They also gave me some coordination and asymmetrical bilateral exercises, which involve arms (because I have forgotten how to swing my arms like a normal person when I walk).

It’s so frustrating to feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. I feel like I’m regressing and I want to be progressing. It’s depressing as hell and I’m just exhausted and crying all the time. Do not like. 

A new beginning?

Today I did a tour of a (relatively) new gym in the neighbourhood: Dupont Fitness.

I had heard of them through their running club, who I did a couple of Saturday morning 5k runs with this summer. Being a 10-minute walk from home is key to me doing anything (especially now) so that was what initially drew me to look into them. Looking at their website, they seem to have a lot of natural light which is another big plus for me. Years ago I joined Planet Fitness (previously the nearest gym I think) but just the thought of going to a place decorated in purple and yellow with fluorescent lighting and a million TV screens and thumpy “high energy” music felt impossible. Dupont Fitness offers a free day pass if you do a tour,  and a reduced-fee membership if you only go in off-hours (during daylight hours basically, which is the only time I leave the house these days anyway), so I thought I would check it out.

Dupont Fitness: so pretty!

It’s really nice! I talked to Matt (the owner) about my specific needs and concerns. He showed me the equipment I might find most useful—not just a stationary bike, but a recumbent stationary bike—and told me about the other machines, the gym’s philosophy (chill vibe! no influencers! hanging plants!), the beautiful mural of Dovercourt Park, their music selection (more jazz and soul instead of EDM). 

I think this might work for me!

I did have a moment this afternoon where I worried, what will I wear? All my workout tops are pullovers. I can’t lift my arm enough for that; everything needs to be something I can step into or at least do up the front. I was actually googling “zip-front workout tops” when it hit me—cycling jersey. What I need is a cycling jersey. I have a dozen cycling jerseys leftover from the Friends for Life Bike Rally this summer (as an aside, it’s giving Tuesday, please sponsor me in the 2026 F4LBR!). I do not need to reinvent this particular wheel.

Tomorrow morning is fracture clinic; afternoon is GP to do some bloodwork. Friday is physiotherapy. 

And maybe Saturday is gym? I wonder if it will be too busy…

One thing after another!

Be warned this is kinda gross. The yucky pics are at the bottom of this post; if you don’t want to see them, don’t scroll all the way.

After my fall I got a fitness watch so I could track my heartrate and know when to take a break before things got too far. I am including this pic mainly so one of the gross pics doesn’t end up being the thumbnail for this post.

Mainly putting this pic here as a buffer

The watch was suggested by my concussion pal. Current wisdom says that rather than avoiding everything completely when you have concussion, it’s better to do a little bit, rest a little bit. But take that rest break before you are really feeling that you need it (i.e., before you get symptoms, like headache and nausea in my case).

It’s pretty basic, but does the job. Or, did the job. It was wild to see my heartrate spike to 132 as I slowly shuffled around the grocery store, occasionally needing to lean against the shelving when I lost my balance. It was set to warn me if my heartrate went above 100 or below 50 (I got warned for both of those!) For the first two weeks, it regularly warned me that my resting heartrate (50) was too low, and now it’s happier with me because my resting heartrate is more normal (60). My sleep is crappy and irregular, but no surprise there.

It was also “fun” to count my steps. I’ve never been a pedometer person, but it was instructive to see my daily average of 600 steps climb to 1,200 steps. Just 9,000 more and I’ll be an average sedentary person!

Anyway I’ve been wearing it for three weeks now, taking if off to bathe. 

As my shoulder gets a little better, I can do more with my left hand as long as it isn’t weightbearing (I’ll post about exercises and physio later). One thing I’ve done is go back to two-handed typing. I can only do it for a little while though, and then I start to feel sore. Today I figured out why.

(This is where it gets yucky!)

My skin is rubbing off under the watch strap. I swear it was not like this two days ago! But now I am rubbed raw.

For the time being, my fitness watch has been replaced by ointment and bandages. Photos of my wounds below, so I can find them if I need to show them to one of the docs. I can’t figure out a way to “spoiler” them, so consider yourself warned and stop reading now if you don’t want to see! No more heartrate tracking for me, I guess. It just seems to be one thing after another these days and I am tired of it. 

So that’s why it’s so tender

I had a different worse gross extra problem last week that I don’t even want to talk about.

Team Camp Weekend! F4LBR #5

Not gonna lie, there was a part of me hoped we would have to cancel. Friday week was supposed to be my big  “getting used to the road bike” ride, so getting hit by a taxi left me extra shook. But you know what they say about getting back on the horse. The horse and I really pushed our limits this week. 

My Bike Rally team, the Wheely Wonkas, decided to do a “practice” weekend to prepare—riding to a campsite and setting up our tents, just like we’ll be doing every day for a week in August. 

And just for extra challenge, our route began with a massive climb up the Niagara Escarpment!

To be honest, going downhill was scarier to me than uphill, just worried that I wouldn’t be able to maintain control, and how awful it would be to crash at speed. But I took the information I’ve learned from Steve—specifically about feathering your brakes, a little on the left, a little on the right—to help me through it. Just focusing on that really helped my nerves a lot.

Also, I am fortunate to have my own tent (some teammates had borrowed tents). My tent may not be great, in fact it’s a garage sale find, but I’ve put it up enough times I could probably do it in the dark if I had to.

Luckily, we had beautiful weather! I did catch a bit of sunburn, but I’d rather that than rain!

Too busy to blog—F4LBR #1

Wow another 5 months gone… time flies when you’re busy.

This year I have biked more, run more, walked more, and everything-else more. And now, I’ve signed up for my biggest challenge yet—the Friends for Life Bike Rally! I opted for the three-day version, but that’s still ~300km of riding. Toronto to Kingston. Kill me now. 

Actually the real killer is going to be raising the funds—I need to raise almost two thousand dollars, and so far I have $35 (that I donated myself). So please! Donate! It’s a good cause!

Also, in the interests of not dying on my big ol’ cruiser, I got a new (to me) bike—a little red road bike. Red means it goes fast. Here’s me on my first lil ride, trying and failing to take a selfie with the timer on my phone:

Me and Lil Red

A Bike Party friend helped me find it on Facebook marketplace, and is going to help me get it kitted up with toe clips, new grip wrap, etc. Will it get me all the way to Kingston? Camping along the way?! I sure hope so… 

Up and down

Oh boy, haven’t posted in months, whoops.

Cough study was a bust, pretty frustrated with that for numerous reasons, more on that another time.

10k was also a bust, I decided again running because it was cold and rainy, but apparently it was terribly mismanaged again so I’m glad I didn’t waste my time. No washrooms, no traffic control, no water, no medals. Just shockingly bad.

A tooth that was supposed to be a root canal split in half, so I needed a bridge, and last year’s bridge broke, which is not supposed to happen. 

But in good news, I played tennis last week for the first time in forever, and have doubled my average summer mileage this month so far. The weather is gorgeous and it’s lovely to be outside. My garden is mostly planted (just need to sow some lettuce and other greens).

My ferritin is good (did I blog about that yet?), my blood pressure is low, my weeks-long period finally ended, and I’m sleeping better. 

Overall, pretty good! I have to remind myself of that sometimes...

Trying again

Well I haven’t been tracking or doing any (intentional) exercise lately. But I have been keeping busy. 

Now that I’m all-natural with the hormones and just experiencing perimenopause as it happens, I find my appetite and metabolism fluctuate like crazy. Just uncontrollable hunger at times, and my weight climbed to a number where I didn't want to weigh myself (hence the no tracking). Then I had a very light period and my appetite vanished and I could honestly feel my body burning through reserves. Just snapped back to the goal weight I achieved in the spring. Hormones, man. It’s wild. 

Anyway, I need to start tracking again, and find better ways to manage the swings than eating a ton of raw cookie dough. 

And I haven’t done “progress pics” in a year and a half! Here’s the last one for comparison. I don’t see a difference? No idea what I weighed then either, since the demise of Fitday…

(Tried to recreate the pose as exactly as possible)

It’s me again, posting after a month of inactivity because I actually went for a run.

Let’s see, it’s been a month of travel, illness, dentistry, and side gigs… Finally getting back to normal, briefly, before things get upended again next month.

Happily, despite a lot of eating of treats and sitting in cars, my weight is where it should be. Went for a run this morning now that the weather is cooler, and it felt good.

Goal is to keep on the straight and narrow for the next two weeks, before everything goes sideways again. 

An exercise in will power

I have eaten a lot for the last while—blaming hormones etc.—and Wednesday is always a big eating day, because usually there’s also more exercise since I’m in the office (so the day is bookended by bike rides), and it is also nachos day. Here’s a typical day:

Screenshot cuts off some of the actual food but the totals are there

More calories than technically needed, and half of them from dinner. Not only that, but typically I’m ravenous by dinner time Wednesday, so I consume those nachos in under 4 minutes. And then my tummy hurts.

Today, working from home, I made a concerted effort to not just eat all day, and to eat my nachos and a normal pace instead of wolfing them like a starving castaway. 

And I did it! Honestly I think it’s more the fluctuating hormones than any great moral victory on my part. But I’ll take it!