Starting over, starting now

I feel sometimes like I have started from scratch a dozen times since last fall.

Today’s new start is new meds, cholesterol diet, and trying some faux-work experiments (aka work conditioning lite). I am nearly done my Insomnia CBT course and sleeping a lot better, so maybe if the new meds work I’m ready for it? Having my blood pressure back and bloating (from previous meds) gone makes me feel so much better.

Started the morning by going to the gym (determined to make 30 days this month, not giving myself an excuse miss it), then a breakfast of all the omega-3s, and CBT-i. Next is a volunteer usher shift (my second!) which is my faux-work for the day. Early dinner (lentils, kale, butternut squash), then going downtown to watch the Oscars at the Lightbox (I will not be staying till the end—and as I type this, I’m remembering that I meant to change my ticket to be on the aisle, oops). This will be a chance to both practise subway riding and extended focus. Exposure and endurance.

This week I am planning various tests and work-adjacent things—volunteer envelope stuffing, practice driving, doing my taxes, finishing some stuff that I’ve put off for months (medical complaint against Dr Firdouse, divorce paperwork, various stuff for my kiddo), sewing a garment (I figure that’s a good exercise in project management as well as focus and follow through). Basically, I want to live like I’m working (at a made-up job) on a reduced schedule, and see if I can at least do that, and then grow from there.

I feel like it’s time for me to enter the home stretch, or at least see if I can survive it.

Breakfast of champions

New meds today, and new diet

So, the propranolol is out. Low blood pressure, brain fog, nausea, all of it not good.

Now I will be taking topiramate daily as a preventive, and have ketorolac and metoclopramide to take as needed if I feel a headache coming on. So, maybe my next trying-to-take-the-subway exposure therapy adventure, I will take those beforehand just in case. Pharmacist said if none of this works I should be able to convince my benefits to pay for qulipta, since I will have tried so many things, or another one to consider is triptans, e.g. sumatriptan. Typing this all out so I remember later. I found coming back to this blog helpful to notice how things went downhill after starting propranolol.

Meanwhile, I also apparently have high cholesterol. Not crazy high, but elevated enough that I should start thinking about diet. So, according to Harvard:

What foods lower cholesterol?

Certain foods help to keep your cholesterol levels in check. These foods lower cholesterol in various ways:

• oats
• barley and other whole grains
• eggplant and okra
• nuts
• vegetable oils
• apple, grapes, strawberries
• foods fortified with sterols and stanols
• soy
• fatty fish
• fiber supplements.

Noted. I can do that. But:

Here are 4 foods you’ll want to avoid if you have high cholesterol:

1. Red meat. Beef, pork, and lamb are generally high in saturated fat. Cut of meat like hamburger, ribs, pork chops, and roasts are highest in fat. You don’t have to avoid meat entirely, just eat it only on occasion. Limit yourself to the recommended 3-ounce portion size and stick to leaner cuts like sirloin, pork loin, or filet mignon.

Better yet, replace meat with proteins that are lower in saturated fat and cholesterol, like skinless chicken or turkey breast, fish, and beans.

2. Fried foods. Foods that have taken a dip in the deep fryer, like chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, and onion rings are among the worst when it comes to cholesterol. Frying increases the energy density, or calorie count of foods.

If you love the crunch of fried food, use an air fryer and toss your food in a little bit of olive oil. Or bake foods like potato wedges and chicken at a high temperature until they're golden brown.

3. Processed meats. Hot dogs, sausage, and bacon use the fattiest cuts of red meat, and therefore tend to be high in cholesterol and saturated fat. Bacon and sausage made with turkey or chicken might seem healthier, and they are somewhat lower in cholesterol than the red meat versions, but they're not cholesterol-free.

4. Baked goods. Cookies, cakes, and pastry are often made with large quantities of butter and shortening, making them high in cholesterol. You don’t have to give up dessert entirely, just make a few substitutions. When you bake, use applesauce or bananas in place of butter. Or have low-fat frozen yogurt topped with berries for dessert.

Noooooo!!! For one thing, I need red meat for the iron. I guess I should look for iron-rich fish? Baked goods are absolutely part of my identity and a huge comfort. I will try, obviously, but it’s easier with my kiddo not around (when they’re visiting, there are always chips and ice cream around, somehow). Will try to build some good habits before they’re back for the summer. I’ve already made the switch to fat-free greek yogurt, aka wallpaper paste. Will see what else I can do.

So wrecked.

Feeling some kind of a way but maybe it’s just because I’ve been feeling off all week. 

Part of it is stomach upset from the junk food lunch we had on the weekend. 

Part of it is the looming six-month anniversary of my tumble, coincidentally also my birthday. 

I thought I would be better by now. 

Last fall, six months was the longest I thought it could take. At the beginning of this year, 31 March was one of the dates on my LTD letter and I sort of mentally noted it as “will be better by then.” 

Now those dates are coming soon and filling me with anxiety. 

Part of me is frantically thinking, “What else can I try?” I still haven’t called the osteopath my friend recommended (I’m honestly unsure what osteopaths even do). I had the idea the other day of seeing a speech-language pathologist since it seems to be speech where my cognitive difficulties really overwhelm me. I had the idea this morning to try Improv classes to “work those muscles.” Why didn’t I think of that months ago? (Answer: I wasn’t capable of thinking months ago.)

I am typing all this from the waiting room of my doctor’s office, to follow up on some bloodwork results, anx probably get another lab req.

And wondering: 

Do I tread extra carefully now so I don’t mess up my progress as I approach the finish line?

Or do I go hard, to guarantee that I will be either 100% better or 100% obviously not when 31 March rolls around?

So this is why I feel like crap

Update from the exam room, my blood pressure is low even for me! No wonder I was feeling pooped climbing stairs on my way here from the gym. 

Ow my brain

Just making a note to self that I have a headache coming on. Left side. Didn't get great sleep last night; kiddo came home from uni and with the train schedule it’s a quarter to eleven when they get here, and they were still yapping when I said, “I love you but I gotta go to bed,” an hour later. We went to Freshco this afternoon (note to self: I need to try exposure to a different grocery store to see how I do), and I had that “power drop” feeling I get in the summer when it’s too hot/humid. Just finished a mug of green tea so I shouldn’t be dehydrated. So tempted to doze, or try to.

Oh, and tomorrow is daylight savings, aka goodbye morning sun. Waah.

Oh and I almost forgot, I’ve been really stumbly today, too. Just staggering around and bumping into things. 

Is it me, or…

So I started a new migraine medication this week, propranolol.

Previously, I had been taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention, with mixed results (maybe it would have been worse without? But I did have that nasty incident that drove me to ER). A friend suggested I ask my doctor about Qulipta. My insurance wouldn’t approve Qulipta until I “failed” two other medications. So amitriptyline was one, and propranolol will be two—or maybe it will just work and I can stay on it?

Here’s the thing with propranolol—the side effects include lowering heartrate and blood pressure. For most people, that’s a win. As someone with low blood pressure normally, it makes me a lil nervous. I already have issues with feeling lightheaded if I stand up too quickly, and now we’re doubling down on that? Hmmm…

My first treadmill run the day after starting it went really well. It was the first day of week 5 of Couch to 5k, which feels like a bit of a jump from week 4 (week 5 feels like a bit of a jump every day). I was pleased at how manageable it seemed, and noted also that my peak heartrate wasn’t as high as it had gotten two days prior when I was finishing up week 4. Meds, maybe? 

Today, though, I just felt off. My skin felt prickly? Or almost pins-and-needles but not quite? I repeated day 1 (5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog, 3 minute walk, 5 minute jog) instead of progressing to day 2 (8 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 8 minute jog) because 5 minutes of jogging felt like I was really pushing it. Afterwards, my skin was super blotchy—really flushed in some areas (face, chest), really pale in others (neck). 

Blotchy!

So, I thought maybe I should look up the side effects (up till now, I’ve only known what the doc and pharmacist told me). Here we go…

From Migraine Again:

Propranolol is a beta-blocker medication developed in the 1960s to treat chest pain and high blood pressure… By blocking adrenaline, propranolol slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces the dilation of peripheral blood vessels (is that where the blotchiness came from?)… Propranolol may also reduce stimulation of the trigeminal nerves in the head, which contributes to the migraine process… Common potential side effects of propranolol include:

• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Drowsiness
• Fatigue
• Nausea (hmm, my tummy has been off lately)
• Exercise intolerance (ah, maybe that’s it)

Some readers reported intolerable side effects:

“I tried it, but it made me feel spaced out, I couldn’t concentrate, and my brain was always fuzzy—I’d rather have a migraine!”—GW (I am definitely spaced out, but I was already kinda spaced out, so…) 

“It did nothing to prevent migraine and gave me horrendous, vivid nightmares. I would not recommend it.”—MLA (not nightmares, but I have had difficulty sleeping and some vivid dreams!)

I was worried about having a “hangover” effect after last night’s struggles, but not doing too badly today (although I did almost start crying for no apparent reason on the way home from the gym). So maybe it’s helping with the anxiety too, which it is also supposed to do?

Guess just have to wait and see; often side effects go away as the body gets used to things.  

Just realised it’s been a while...

... and I left on a bit of a cliffhanger.

My CT-scan was all clear, no funny business showing up in my brain.

I had a follow up appointment the next day (why do hospitals do this—discharge in the wee hours, and ask you to come back the next morning, maybe six hours later) with the hospital ophthalmologist, who did some additional testing, said everything seems fine, but I should consider following up with a more thorough exam. I mentioned that I was due for an ophthalmology appointment—my optometrist had referred me to the Kensington Eye Institute back on Hallowe’en when I got my eye exam for new glasses, and told me I should expect to hear from them in January or February, and to call them if I hadn’t heard anything by then, so this was my trigger to call. The hospital ophthalmologist said that was great news, everyone at Kensington is great, so I gave them a call.

They said they had no record of a referral. 

We had a brief conversation where they basically told me to call my eye doc and have them re-send the referral, but it would probably be months before I got an appointment. I called my eye doc, told them about the missing referral and my subconjunctival haemorrhage, and they said they’d call me back.

A couple of days later, Kensington called with my appointment—at the end of this month! I don’t know what they said, but it worked. That appointment is Friday.

Meanwhile, I asked the hospital ophthalmologist about the recurring subconjunctival haemorrhages (this is the third time it’s happened) considering I don’t have any of the obvious risk factors, like high blood pressure. They said, maybe it’s because I have such low blood pressure? That a BP reading that most would take as “normal” would be enough of a spike that my eyeballs, used to very low BP, just go kaboing? I will definitely be asking about that in Friday’s appointment. 

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.

What a time it's been... F4LBR #3

Well I came back to look at past nutrition and realize it’s been a long time since I posted...

Continuing to work towards August’s bike rally, with my fundraising goal looming!

Training has been out of whack, with my kid being super sick for 3 weeks, and then getting into university, preparing for which has used a lot of time!

Then a week ago I was hit by a taxi while riding on a trail completely separate from cars. Fun times!

Right now, dealing with low blood pressure again. It’s been bothering me basically since the accident—stress response maybe? I don’t know. 

I do remember that there was a magical day that I got all my nutrients from food without consuming 5000 calories, so I want to repeat that experience... ferritin was 129 in March, so I’m assuming it’s not anemia. 

This weekend is a big training event—our team is going bike camping! Riding from Burlington GO Station to Valens Lake Conservation Area Saturday, and back Sunday. 

Excited to have a spiffy new (to me) jersey and matching bibs for the trip!

Up and down

Oh boy, haven’t posted in months, whoops.

Cough study was a bust, pretty frustrated with that for numerous reasons, more on that another time.

10k was also a bust, I decided again running because it was cold and rainy, but apparently it was terribly mismanaged again so I’m glad I didn’t waste my time. No washrooms, no traffic control, no water, no medals. Just shockingly bad.

A tooth that was supposed to be a root canal split in half, so I needed a bridge, and last year’s bridge broke, which is not supposed to happen. 

But in good news, I played tennis last week for the first time in forever, and have doubled my average summer mileage this month so far. The weather is gorgeous and it’s lovely to be outside. My garden is mostly planted (just need to sow some lettuce and other greens).

My ferritin is good (did I blog about that yet?), my blood pressure is low, my weeks-long period finally ended, and I’m sleeping better. 

Overall, pretty good! I have to remind myself of that sometimes...

Rough couple of weeks

What else to say. Memorial was Sunday, so many emotions, so many people I hadn’t seen in ten years. I felt quite literally drained of energy by the end, incapable of forming the most basic thought. Monday was terrible, I was back in “am I having a heart attack” mode (even though my blood pressure is pretty consistently 100/60). But the evening was good; I was out at a board meeting that left me feeling energized, and then to a tap event which was fantastic.

The week has basically been up and down like that.

But I keep on keeping on. Did some stretches last night for the first time in forever. Need to get back in the habit! My shoulder is a mess and the rest is not much better. Just lying down gave me a bit of vertigo. Glad I went ahead and booked a second appointment with Angus last time I saw him. I definitely need it!  

Race report

Spoiler alert: it was terrible.

I have put off writing this, because it was such a horrible day. But here goes.

Mother’s Day is always hard for me, because I still haven’t recovered from my mother’s death, and since I have been a mother, I have never had a partner who cared about me. So it’s generally a disappointment. Maybe less bad on average since my divorce, but still a hard day.

This day was the worst.

The one thing I asked from my kid was to be at the finish line. They said they would—but they were at their dad’s on Saturday night. We discussed bus routes, Presto cards, etc. etc. They said they’d be there.

I was super emotional all morning, obviously.

I texted my kid from the start line, reminding them of which bus stop to get off, and that I’d check in at the water stations to give them a better idea of timing if I was running early/late.

I texted at the 4km water station.

I texted at the 7km station—there was no reply to my previous texts, so I decided to walk for a bit (save my energy for the final km) and wait for a response. Nothing. I texted their dad. They overslept “but on the way soon.” I was coming up to 8km by then.

There’s an incline up to 8km, so I decided to walk to that point and then resume running. But just knowing my kid had forgotten me on Mother’s Day of all days—after I made an emergency sick-kid school pickup just two days before, and then went back again to collect their bicycle—I just felt so alone. All morning I had been struggling not to cry, off and on. Now I had a full-on panic attack. Tried to remember all of my grounding exercises—box breathing, find something red, something blue, etc.—but I just couldn’t breath. I started making a wheezy/whooping sound on every inhalation, something like stridor, which reminded my of when I had pertussis a number of years ago. I focussed on my diaphragm, and finally got to a normal breathing pattern by 9km. 

I ran the last km, obviously no one was waiting for me at the finish line—I was all alone—and again couldn’t breathe. I made it to the medic tent just for a place to sit down, and they checked my blood pressure (125/75) and oxygen (99%) and after sitting for a while I was ready to move again. 

Got a drink, got my medal, went to the luggage check, got changed, was on my way to the food area when the kid texted, “almost there.” Arranged to meet at the luggage check (easiest to recognize from a distance, fewest people to get lost in a crowd), and we left without eating.

I didn’t even manage to get any sponsors to donate to the charity (one friend sponsored me later that afternoon) so it was 100% pointless.

Worst run ever. I don’t think I’ll do a 10k again.

Never easy

Well.

I have been meaning to post a follow-up after my trip to the allergist last Wednesday, and now I’ve just got a call from my regular doctor, and I’m all distracted, so typing it all out seems like a good idea.

I thought the allergist visit would be fairly straight forward. It was scheduled for 8 o’clock Wednesday morning, and not far from work, so I didn’t even imagine I would be late that day let alone miss work entirely.

First they took my blood pressure, which was 100/72, on the high side for me, but perfect by everyone else’s standards. I got the scratch test, which revealed nothing, surprisingly. Then they did a secondary test where they did a bunch of little injections in my shoulder, and I started shaking and feeling disoriented and dizzy, and nearly passed out. I was so shaken up I was practically in tears. They took my blood pressure again, and it was 115/72—bit of a jump in 15 minutes! I had to lie down for a while, and then sit for half an hour, and then I thought I was fine. Then we did one more scratch test and I had the weird over-reaction again - shaking, dizzy, the whole nine yards.

This, if I didn’t mention before, was the same sort of reaction after giving blook last July and October. I gave blood again this January—five days before the trip to the allergist—and I was fine. This time I skipped my morning coffee, so I thought I had figured out the cause and solution.

I had mild allergic reactions at the injection site to all the things my son is allergic to - dust mites, pollen, outdoor mold. The nurse thought it was significant; the doctor did not. He suggested it was an issue with “irritants” and chronic sinusitis rather than “allergens” and suggested I come back in six months to do a patch test, and gave me a prescription for nasal spray and sent me for some bloodwork to check my immune system. He also said something about sending me to an ENT, getting a CT-scan of my sinuses and “don’t worry we won’t do surgery unless it’s absolutely necessary.” I’m sure my eyes bugged out of my head! I was expecting something more on the lines of the recommendations we got for my son - ditch the humidifier, Claritin in the summer, etc.

He also told me to take the day off and go home and rest, which I did. I lay on the sofa for a few hours, felt better, then went out to do my bloodwork, and promptly needed to lie down again.

Fast forward to this morning.

I just had a call from my regular doctor’s office (they were cc’d on the bloodwork results, which I can only assume came back abnormal). The doctor said my red blood cells had been “increasing in size” over the years, and “nothing to worry about, we just want to rule out a few things,” and determine whether they need to send me to a haematologist. She said they’d email me a req for bloodwork (it’s been 43 minutes and they haven’t sent it yet! Anxiety!) to check my levels of B12 and folic acid, and liver function.

Naturally I have been googling all the possible causes. Alcoholism—nope. Hypothyroidism—wouldn’t surprise me, as Hashimoto runs in my family, but I don’t have any of the other symptoms. Malnutrition—seems unlikely, as I eat quite well, and looking at the list of foods rich in B12 and folate, they are all things I eat regularly.

However, another thing that runs in my family is pernicious anaemia. There are all sorts of autoimmune diseases in the family, but (up till now?) I have never had any of these myself. Looking at the symptoms of pernicious anemia, there are many that line up with what I’ve experienced: fatigue, lack of energy, or lightheadedness when standing up; shortness of breath, mostly during exercise; clumsiness; irritability; numbness and tingling in the hands and feet; problems concentrating; loss of balance. All things I’ve complained to my doctor about for years!

So, have I been finally hit with the traditional family autoimmune disease? If so, I guess pernicious anaemia is a good one to have. I’m kind of hoping that’s it, because all you have to do is take the right kind of B12 supplements (I do take an off-the-shelf one, but if I have pernicious anaemia, I’d need a prescription supplement). In the old days, my grandfather used to drink sulfuric acid with meals to make up for the lack of “intrinsic factor” due to the illness. So much more easy to manage now!

Now it’s been 59 minutes and still no req has been emailed. I am doing to die of anticipation if it doesn’t get here soon!

Oh boy

My next "scheduled" run, if I go back to my old routine (which is the plan, it seemed to work all right) is Friday, but I don't think that will work.

Friday is also my next scheduled blood donation.

I used to give blood regularly. Then I couldn't for a while for one reason or another (pregnancy, travelling) and fell out of the habit. Last spring I took it up again on a whim (I happened to be right next to a blood donor clinic after a rally, and thought, why not?) and so I'm back on the every-12-weeks plan (and Canadian Blood Services makes sure to remind you in ten different ways if you're due for an appointment).

Thing is, despite having no trouble at all the first 10+ times I gave blood, last summer after giving a pint I felt terrible. Disoriented, shaky, nauseated - even though I spent a good hour in their rest area post-donation, relaxing and consuming their juice boxes and snacks before getting up to go. I ended up calling in sick to work the next day, I felt so terrible. It was in the middle of a heat wave, so I laid the blame on the weather (although I did make a point of being well fed and hydrated before I went).

They test your blood pressure and iron levels before you go, so "in theory" my low blood pressure and anemia should not be the issue.

My next appointment, in the fall, I booked for the morning of a Friday off, so I'd be well-rested and have time to recover after. I ate a big dinner the night before and a big breakfast before heading out. It wasn't as bad as the summer, but I still felt pretty terrible after.

So, this donation is the big one. Three strikes and out? Or will I be fine? In any case, I was pretty pooped yesterday afternoon after my first run in months, so I don't think trying to give blood right after a run would be a great idea.

Now the decision is this: do I stick to my old three-runs-a-week schedule, skipping Friday, which means no run till Sunday? Or, go for a run tomorrow to make up for it? My legs are a bit sore today, so maybe they need a run. Or, maybe they need a rest?

Who knows, maybe when they find out I had whooping cough last month they will reject me anyway!

A difficult winter

I have had a fairly difficult winter so far, and as a result am completely off track as far as diet and exercise go. I can feel my jeans getting tight, so I know it’s time to get moving!

In my defence, we have had some record-breaking cold temperatures. Also, I was horribly sick in December—whooping cough and shingles at the same time! Followed by noro! It’s frankly amazing that I left the house at all.

That said, the slow recovery from whooping cough has made me very aware of the sad state of my lungs, and the fact that I need to get moving to get them strong and healthy again. I’m back on an inhaler—the Symbicort Turbuhaler—and hoping that will help. I have crazy killer coughing fits that leave my body aching, and I want them to stop! Interestingly, they don’t seem to be brought on by exercise at all—mainly scents and smells. I am seeing an allergist next week who will be able to give me some answers, I hope.

Also, I learned recently that low blood pressure can make exercising difficult. And I have low blood pressure! Mostly when people hear that, they say, “Great, lucky you,” but it can cause problems, and apparently can especially cause problems with regards to exercise. So I’ve been reading up on that, and how to manage it. Some key factors include pre-hydrating (dehydration can cause a pressure drop) and an active cool down (taking it too easy after exercise can lead to blood pooling in the legs). Compression tights are also recommended, maybe that’s my next step?

This morning I went for a run for the first time in months. My lungs were fine. My big toe is a little achy—not hurting per se, but just kind of sending me a signal, saying, “Hi, remember me, your broken bone? Please be gentle!” I do love the fact that, even though I’m no athlete, I can do all right despite not having run in months. Only ran about 3km this morning, but when I think back to my first attempts at C25K, and how I struggled to get through the 60-second runs and barely recovered during the walks, I am astounded at how my body says, “I remember how to do this!” and just keeps going.

Hope the weather holds so I can keep going!

Yikes!

Another thing to recover from, boo.

My upset tummy was actually appendicits; I had the surgery three nights ago.

Between Monday (when I went in to the hospital) and Wednesday (when I got home), my weight increased 12 pounds! And I haven’t even been eating much, it’s just that nothing is going through and I’ve been pumped full of gas and saline and whatnot. Ugh. My waistline increased 8 inches to 32! Yikes. My body didn’t change this quickly when I was pregnant. Blecch.

Also, my blood pressure got crazy low—80s over 50s. eek.

Right now, I am trying to walk a bit every day, to encourage the gas to work itself out. I can feel it up to my shoulders and neck! not fun at all.

On the plus side, the nurses thought I was an athlete because my pulse is so strong.