Maybe it’s just…

… a cold?

With all my looking up medication side-effects and assuming my headaches are due to switching migraine medications, this morning I just sneezed and I’m wondering if maybe these hoofbeats aren’t zebras after all. 

Hmm

So, last night I went to an Oscar night screening, and bumped into a woman I know on the way home so we rode the subway together. And I realised I was losing my voice! No other symptoms of illness or a cold or something, just losing my voice. I was coughing more than usual when I went to bed as well, and wrote it off to March thaw allergies (when the snow goes, the mouldy old leaves are revealed). 

This morning it’s really bothering me, so I thought I’d look up the side-effects of my new medication. It lists “speech or language problems” under more common, “sore throat” under less common. Hmm. Also have some nausea, which is another possible side effect, but also a thing I’ve been dealing with along with my headaches and balance issues, so maybe that’s just me.

I only have a week’s worth of these, and a follow-up appointment on Friday, so I guess will see how things go until then.

Starting over, starting now

I feel sometimes like I have started from scratch a dozen times since last fall.

Today’s new start is new meds, cholesterol diet, and trying some faux-work experiments (aka work conditioning lite). I am nearly done my Insomnia CBT course and sleeping a lot better, so maybe if the new meds work I’m ready for it? Having my blood pressure back and bloating (from previous meds) gone makes me feel so much better.

Started the morning by going to the gym (determined to make 30 days this month, not giving myself an excuse miss it), then a breakfast of all the omega-3s, and CBT-i. Next is a volunteer usher shift (my second!) which is my faux-work for the day. Early dinner (lentils, kale, butternut squash), then going downtown to watch the Oscars at the Lightbox (I will not be staying till the end—and as I type this, I’m remembering that I meant to change my ticket to be on the aisle, oops). This will be a chance to both practise subway riding and extended focus. Exposure and endurance.

This week I am planning various tests and work-adjacent things—volunteer envelope stuffing, practice driving, doing my taxes, finishing some stuff that I’ve put off for months (medical complaint against Dr Firdouse, divorce paperwork, various stuff for my kiddo), sewing a garment (I figure that’s a good exercise in project management as well as focus and follow through). Basically, I want to live like I’m working (at a made-up job) on a reduced schedule, and see if I can at least do that, and then grow from there.

I feel like it’s time for me to enter the home stretch, or at least see if I can survive it.

Breakfast of champions

A follow-up

So, I did a little treadmill run today after lunch and felt pretty great. My heartrate stayed normal! I did not want to die after a few minutes! Did a version of C25K week 5 part 2, with two 8-minute runs. Yay.

Then I came home, had an early dinner (roast trout and broccoli, easy to prepare quickly and cholesterol approved) and went to an improv class.

I had this idea a couple of days ago. I am really struggling with losing my words, especially when speaking. How do I get that back? How do I work that muscle? So I looked up improv classes, and discovered that Bad Dog Theatre has improv drop-ins every Saturday and Monday. The closest sessions were booked out, but I put myself on the waitlist and got a spot today.

Of course, as soon as I got on the bus there, I started getting a headache, and wished I had brought my new meds (there’s a daily med, and two “rescue” meds to take when you feel something starting). I don’t know if this headache was due to stress, overexertion, the fact that the last dose of the last med was wearing off, or what. But I kept my water bottle handy to keep hydrated and selectively opted out of things like spinning or bowing low. (I really appreciated that they started the session by inviting us to share accessibility needs.) And I got through it! A little nausea by the end, but it was okay. It was great to be in a room full of beginners, none of whom really knew what to expect, so I didn’t feel like “the slow one” or like I was holding anyone back. I did feel like I was getting into the swing of things like “thinking” and “speaking” by the end, and the great thing about improv is that it’s fundamentally supportive, you’re working to build a scene together, and no one is wrong. One of the exercises was even about the value of patience, waiting for your moment, waiting to have someone’s attention, and making sure that you’re connecting and they’ve understood what you’re conveying.

I feel like this could be helpful for me and wish I had thought of it sooner. Maybe there’s a two-day bootcamp I could try? That would at least work as a make-it-or-break-it type of thing? 

New meds today, and new diet

So, the propranolol is out. Low blood pressure, brain fog, nausea, all of it not good.

Now I will be taking topiramate daily as a preventive, and have ketorolac and metoclopramide to take as needed if I feel a headache coming on. So, maybe my next trying-to-take-the-subway exposure therapy adventure, I will take those beforehand just in case. Pharmacist said if none of this works I should be able to convince my benefits to pay for qulipta, since I will have tried so many things, or another one to consider is triptans, e.g. sumatriptan. Typing this all out so I remember later. I found coming back to this blog helpful to notice how things went downhill after starting propranolol.

Meanwhile, I also apparently have high cholesterol. Not crazy high, but elevated enough that I should start thinking about diet. So, according to Harvard:

What foods lower cholesterol?

Certain foods help to keep your cholesterol levels in check. These foods lower cholesterol in various ways:

• oats
• barley and other whole grains
• eggplant and okra
• nuts
• vegetable oils
• apple, grapes, strawberries
• foods fortified with sterols and stanols
• soy
• fatty fish
• fiber supplements.

Noted. I can do that. But:

Here are 4 foods you’ll want to avoid if you have high cholesterol:

1. Red meat. Beef, pork, and lamb are generally high in saturated fat. Cut of meat like hamburger, ribs, pork chops, and roasts are highest in fat. You don’t have to avoid meat entirely, just eat it only on occasion. Limit yourself to the recommended 3-ounce portion size and stick to leaner cuts like sirloin, pork loin, or filet mignon.

Better yet, replace meat with proteins that are lower in saturated fat and cholesterol, like skinless chicken or turkey breast, fish, and beans.

2. Fried foods. Foods that have taken a dip in the deep fryer, like chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, and onion rings are among the worst when it comes to cholesterol. Frying increases the energy density, or calorie count of foods.

If you love the crunch of fried food, use an air fryer and toss your food in a little bit of olive oil. Or bake foods like potato wedges and chicken at a high temperature until they're golden brown.

3. Processed meats. Hot dogs, sausage, and bacon use the fattiest cuts of red meat, and therefore tend to be high in cholesterol and saturated fat. Bacon and sausage made with turkey or chicken might seem healthier, and they are somewhat lower in cholesterol than the red meat versions, but they're not cholesterol-free.

4. Baked goods. Cookies, cakes, and pastry are often made with large quantities of butter and shortening, making them high in cholesterol. You don’t have to give up dessert entirely, just make a few substitutions. When you bake, use applesauce or bananas in place of butter. Or have low-fat frozen yogurt topped with berries for dessert.

Noooooo!!! For one thing, I need red meat for the iron. I guess I should look for iron-rich fish? Baked goods are absolutely part of my identity and a huge comfort. I will try, obviously, but it’s easier with my kiddo not around (when they’re visiting, there are always chips and ice cream around, somehow). Will try to build some good habits before they’re back for the summer. I’ve already made the switch to fat-free greek yogurt, aka wallpaper paste. Will see what else I can do.

So wrecked.

Feeling some kind of a way but maybe it’s just because I’ve been feeling off all week. 

Part of it is stomach upset from the junk food lunch we had on the weekend. 

Part of it is the looming six-month anniversary of my tumble, coincidentally also my birthday. 

I thought I would be better by now. 

Last fall, six months was the longest I thought it could take. At the beginning of this year, 31 March was one of the dates on my LTD letter and I sort of mentally noted it as “will be better by then.” 

Now those dates are coming soon and filling me with anxiety. 

Part of me is frantically thinking, “What else can I try?” I still haven’t called the osteopath my friend recommended (I’m honestly unsure what osteopaths even do). I had the idea the other day of seeing a speech-language pathologist since it seems to be speech where my cognitive difficulties really overwhelm me. I had the idea this morning to try Improv classes to “work those muscles.” Why didn’t I think of that months ago? (Answer: I wasn’t capable of thinking months ago.)

I am typing all this from the waiting room of my doctor’s office, to follow up on some bloodwork results, anx probably get another lab req.

And wondering: 

Do I tread extra carefully now so I don’t mess up my progress as I approach the finish line?

Or do I go hard, to guarantee that I will be either 100% better or 100% obviously not when 31 March rolls around?

So this is why I feel like crap

Update from the exam room, my blood pressure is low even for me! No wonder I was feeling pooped climbing stairs on my way here from the gym. 

A day of contrasts

Of all kinds, literal and figurative. 

I started yesterday feeling awful. Post-concussion nausea? Straight-up stomach cramps? Seemed to be the latter; I blame the “boneless wings” I had for lunch on Sunday (restaurant chosen by a relative). All day I had cramping and stabbing pains off and on, that had me looking up “spleen pain” to see if I was actually dying. 

I did force myself to go to the gym regardless; being a light cardio day I told myself I could leave early if I wanted. And this is dumb, but I knew I was due for an “award” for a 12-week attendance streak. I am like a kid with a sticker chart! Silly, but it does motivate me.

I am on fire!

Then I went home to clutch my belly for a while longer. Waah.

I had a couple of late afternoon appointments that I had been looking forward to, but worried my upset stomach would keep me from. Nevertheless, I soldiered on.

First was an orientation at the neighbourhood secret sauna.

The neighbourhood oasis 

You’d never guess from the outside, but a nondescript building in my neighbourhood is actually a gorgeous little sauna. 

I’ve long enjoyed contrast therapy, and for the past five or so years have been a semi regular at the Banya in Mississauga. I go with a friend and we spend the entire day there. I had been longing to go, but worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Anecdotally, I’ve heard both good and bad things about contrast therapy for people with post-concussion syndrome. I asked my doctor at the Toronto Concussion Clinic and they said, “It depends.”

Temperature regulation is a function of the autonomic system—all the stuff your brain tells your body to do without you really being aware of it. Balance is also under the autonomic system. So if you’re really pushing your autonomic system with one task—temperature regulation—it may not have the juice left for another—balance.

I reeeeally wanted to go to Banya, but I didn’t want to say to my friend, “Hey, drive me across the city to this place that costs $60 but maybe I won’t feel well and I’ll need you to drive me home after twenty minutes.” Then, I found out about a new sauna in the neighbourhood that’s more poshy-posh but I could walk there (and get home easily if need be), and we started talking about when we could go there. Then, I found out about the secret sauna, and booked the orientation.

It felt great! 

I was anxious about feeling off-balance—imagine falling into the coals?!—and whether I would be able to manage the cold plunge. I did have an experience at Banya a couple of years ago where I got the shakes and needed my friend to bring me tea and warm towels to use as a blanket while I lay on a sofa to recover. But I was okay! Got in and out without a struggle, although I barely stayed in for a moment.

I felt exhilarated after! And ready to go to my next lil appointment a brisk fifteen-minute walk away.

Part of me of course is thinking, “Wow, this is it! I have found the cure! A few more sauna trips and I’ll be fully recovered!” But another part of me remembers that I felt that way for about two days after reading Sarah Polley’s book, and apparently having a few good days and feeling inspired is not a guarantee of anything.

So far today, I feel okay (the day-after-feeling seems to be my litmus test for a lot of things). I was going to do a “practice workday” experience today (two hours of stuffing envelopes at a theatre in my neighbourhood) but just got notice that was cancelled. Maybe I’ll try the next step in TTC exposure therapy instead?