Tried a thing. It was hard.

So today I (sort of) rode a bike for the first time since last October.

My first ride

For comparison, here’s a ride from last summer:

Training ride last summer

Can you spot the difference?

So today’s ride was on a tandem. I had this idea, that starting on a tandem would be the thing. I remember when my kid was little, I had a trail-a-bike I attached to the back of my bicycle, and I would ride him between morning kindy and afternoon pre-school three days a week. It was a workout for me, because kiddo put in zero effort. They could have pedalled along on their wheel, but fat chance of that happening! I kept us upright and moving, and figured kiddo could do the same for me now that they’re all grown.

Tandems are different, though.

Our pedals turned in synch, so there was no chance for me to just coast along. We had to pedal together. The back seat is close enough that I couldn’t see much beyond kiddo’s back, which was somewhat panic-inducing. Our starts were incredibly wobbly, which made me tense up and grip my handlebars for dear life, which made the wobbling worse. 

Very near the start of our very short ride, we took a break so I could do a 5-minute breathing exercise (part of heartrate variability training, to help with controlling migraine and other symptoms). Then tried again. I quietly counted, “one, two, one, two,” under my breath, as a reminder to pedal. I focused on breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. I focused on the fuzziness of kiddo’s sweater, and trying to relax my hands instead of strangling the handlbars like a maniac. There’s a chunk of the loop that I walked, looking for a washroom, and taking a little break. And then we rode all the way back. 

I was starting to feel almost normal towards the end. But I was also asking, “Are we there yet?” well before we were back at the bike rental place.

So—a success? Maybe, in that we didn’t crash (although we did come close) and I didn’t cry (although I did come close) but it’s a long way from being able to feel normal.

A bit headachey this evening, and super tired. Hope I don’t get a migraine from it tomorrow. I am taking a new migraine med, which has been helping so far for the first week I’ve been on it, but I don’t want to count too many chickens.

Starting over, starting now

I feel sometimes like I have started from scratch a dozen times since last fall.

Today’s new start is new meds, cholesterol diet, and trying some faux-work experiments (aka work conditioning lite). I am nearly done my Insomnia CBT course and sleeping a lot better, so maybe if the new meds work I’m ready for it? Having my blood pressure back and bloating (from previous meds) gone makes me feel so much better.

Started the morning by going to the gym (determined to make 30 days this month, not giving myself an excuse miss it), then a breakfast of all the omega-3s, and CBT-i. Next is a volunteer usher shift (my second!) which is my faux-work for the day. Early dinner (lentils, kale, butternut squash), then going downtown to watch the Oscars at the Lightbox (I will not be staying till the end—and as I type this, I’m remembering that I meant to change my ticket to be on the aisle, oops). This will be a chance to both practise subway riding and extended focus. Exposure and endurance.

This week I am planning various tests and work-adjacent things—volunteer envelope stuffing, practice driving, doing my taxes, finishing some stuff that I’ve put off for months (medical complaint against Dr Firdouse, divorce paperwork, various stuff for my kiddo), sewing a garment (I figure that’s a good exercise in project management as well as focus and follow through). Basically, I want to live like I’m working (at a made-up job) on a reduced schedule, and see if I can at least do that, and then grow from there.

I feel like it’s time for me to enter the home stretch, or at least see if I can survive it.

Breakfast of champions

A follow-up

So, I did a little treadmill run today after lunch and felt pretty great. My heartrate stayed normal! I did not want to die after a few minutes! Did a version of C25K week 5 part 2, with two 8-minute runs. Yay.

Then I came home, had an early dinner (roast trout and broccoli, easy to prepare quickly and cholesterol approved) and went to an improv class.

I had this idea a couple of days ago. I am really struggling with losing my words, especially when speaking. How do I get that back? How do I work that muscle? So I looked up improv classes, and discovered that Bad Dog Theatre has improv drop-ins every Saturday and Monday. The closest sessions were booked out, but I put myself on the waitlist and got a spot today.

Of course, as soon as I got on the bus there, I started getting a headache, and wished I had brought my new meds (there’s a daily med, and two “rescue” meds to take when you feel something starting). I don’t know if this headache was due to stress, overexertion, the fact that the last dose of the last med was wearing off, or what. But I kept my water bottle handy to keep hydrated and selectively opted out of things like spinning or bowing low. (I really appreciated that they started the session by inviting us to share accessibility needs.) And I got through it! A little nausea by the end, but it was okay. It was great to be in a room full of beginners, none of whom really knew what to expect, so I didn’t feel like “the slow one” or like I was holding anyone back. I did feel like I was getting into the swing of things like “thinking” and “speaking” by the end, and the great thing about improv is that it’s fundamentally supportive, you’re working to build a scene together, and no one is wrong. One of the exercises was even about the value of patience, waiting for your moment, waiting to have someone’s attention, and making sure that you’re connecting and they’ve understood what you’re conveying.

I feel like this could be helpful for me and wish I had thought of it sooner. Maybe there’s a two-day bootcamp I could try? That would at least work as a make-it-or-break-it type of thing? 

So wrecked.

Feeling some kind of a way but maybe it’s just because I’ve been feeling off all week. 

Part of it is stomach upset from the junk food lunch we had on the weekend. 

Part of it is the looming six-month anniversary of my tumble, coincidentally also my birthday. 

I thought I would be better by now. 

Last fall, six months was the longest I thought it could take. At the beginning of this year, 31 March was one of the dates on my LTD letter and I sort of mentally noted it as “will be better by then.” 

Now those dates are coming soon and filling me with anxiety. 

Part of me is frantically thinking, “What else can I try?” I still haven’t called the osteopath my friend recommended (I’m honestly unsure what osteopaths even do). I had the idea the other day of seeing a speech-language pathologist since it seems to be speech where my cognitive difficulties really overwhelm me. I had the idea this morning to try Improv classes to “work those muscles.” Why didn’t I think of that months ago? (Answer: I wasn’t capable of thinking months ago.)

I am typing all this from the waiting room of my doctor’s office, to follow up on some bloodwork results, anx probably get another lab req.

And wondering: 

Do I tread extra carefully now so I don’t mess up my progress as I approach the finish line?

Or do I go hard, to guarantee that I will be either 100% better or 100% obviously not when 31 March rolls around?

So this is why I feel like crap

Update from the exam room, my blood pressure is low even for me! No wonder I was feeling pooped climbing stairs on my way here from the gym. 

Exposure

I was just looking at my exposure therapy plans and fleshing out the details looking at the TTC website. For example, my next step says, “Take Line 1 for six stops starting and ending at a busy station,” but how to do that? How to get to a busy station, how to get home from a busy station? Which routes are currently changed (e.g. Spadina streetcars were replaced by buses for a while, is that still happening?)

Looking at the service updates page, I noticed an item on the long-awaited Eglinton Crosstown line, and looked at the map. There’s a stop at Kennedy, near the Rama Gaming House where I had my fall. RGH is definitely a place I’ve thought of as a peak-stimulus spot on the exposure hierarchy. Lights and noise and a general sense of guilt… how would I work up to going someplace like that?

And just thinking about it, I tear up.

A little panic, a little fear. Could I go there? Just to walk in the door, look around, and then skedaddle off for a saving treat? I would need someone to go with me, who would go with me? 

Just thinking about it makes me cry.

Will I ever go to Bike Rave again? Will I ever even ride a bicycle?

How is this even happening?

Sometimes it just seems insane that I was transformed in the blink of an eye from someone who was out six nights a week, biking across the city to the theatre and Midnight Madness events that end at 2am while at the same time working at a day job. Seriously, in September I’d leave home at 8, bike to work (often arriving early, first person in the office), go on a group social ride after, and then see a show at 9:30—that was a Monday.

Funny, I remember thinking during pandemic lockdown—how is this happening? And then after things were back to normal—did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? 

I hope I get back to normal again. I hope there comes a time when I look back on these dark months as a wacky anomaly—“Remember the winter that I didn’t leave the house? That was so weird!”

I really need to believe that can happen.  

Oof

So I am just getting back from a very small social event that I went to half as a test to see how I would do. (I realised last week that while I have mastered the art of being with one person, I haven’t gotten much farther than that.) This was a Road Support social (I am volunteering for the Friends for Life Bike Rally this year instead of riding—good thing as trying to ride would have been impossible) upstairs at a pub (some of the F4LBR socials I’ve been to are at a nightclub, and even in the afternoon it’s too much with colourful lighting and crowds), and only a half dozen people came out, and the room we were in was otherwise basically empty (no voices coming from behind me). 

I did okay and when the evening entertainment was about to begin, I decided to leave on a high note and said my good byes.

At the very first corner, just steps from the pub door, I got disoriented and confused as to where I was.

I figured it out, and started walking up Church Street to Wellesley, to catch the Wellesley bus to Ossington Station.

This is where I got really confused.

I crossed to the north side of Wellesley, thinking the subway station is on the north side. Then I crossed Church to head to the station. Then I remembered that I do not want the subway, I want the bus. Then I thought, I could go to the station anyway, and catch the bus there. But what if I miss the bus because I am between stops when it goes by? 

The things about this kind of situation is that it doesn’t feel like the usual dumb indecision or being generally frazzled. it feels like a Sophie’s Choice-level of impossible dilemma (and yes I had to look that up because I have so much doubt and confusion that I don’t trust my memory about anything) that sends my anxiety spiking.

Anyway I went back to the closest stop, at Church and Wellesley, and the bus came right away. 

I got on and settled in for the ride across town. I think I can remember the Wellesley Station stop. Then the next thing I remember, they announced Jarvis. 

Now I was paying attention, if confused. Sherbourne. My westbound bus was going east! 

Again a dilemma. Do I get off, in the rain in a not great part of town with no shelter, to catch a westbound bus on the other side of the street? Would the driver let me stay on if I rode to the end of the line? I ended up doing that, just riding all the way to the other end of the line, thinking it was maybe some different route (I did that a couple of weeks ago, thinking I was on a Davenport bus and then finding out it was a Line 1 shuttle). But then I heard the announcement that it was going to Ossington Station. I asked the driver just to be sure, and went back to my seat.

Did I fall asleep, ride all the way to Ossington, forget to get off, and then all the way to Castle Frank? I don’t even know. I felt anxious the whole rest of the way home that I was going the wrong way again. Even though I know all the street names from biking on Harbord a million times, and I’d ridden that bus before, I never rode that bus before my accident, and so it all felt unfamiliar and so disorienting. I almost cried on the bus but managed to hold it together until I got home.

It’s really troubling, this inability to clearly think through what is happening and what to do about it. It’s funny, because I know some people who seem to struggle like this all the time, without even having a brain injury. I can’t imagine having to live like this with no respite. It’s really, really troubling.

My brain is also whirling trying to decode what about this made it so difficult (hence why I’m trying to type it all out here). Was it the event (which was extremely quiet and chill)? Was it the car lights at night (that contrast is something I struggle with)? Was it something else? Do I need to try again? Take a break? I have a headache now (of course), will it stick around for tomorrow? 

Just yesterday I was walking down the street and some emergency vehicles went by and I thought, “Wow, a couple of months ago, an ambulance going down the street would have sent me staggering.” Is this just the bi-weekly regression arriving on schedule? I don’t know…

As much as it pains me to say it...

I am trying to go gluten-free.

Anyone who knows me, knows this goes against everything I believe in, i.e. that the greatest thing since sliced bread is toast. I love gluten. But some people say gf can help with concussion recovery, so I’m giving it a shot.

So far, I've been at it since Monday lunchtime (I had rye toast for breakfast). Have I noticed a difference? No. But my understanding from the anti-gluten faction is you need to give it a solid two weeks to see results.

And this week, again, has had ups and downs. But I want to go from ups to upper-ups.

My up this week: going to the theatre for the first time in months. Went to see Company, my all-time favourite musical. And I was okay! What I think helped: I was well-fed beforehand (salade niçoise with a massive fresh yellowfin steak), and my friend drove and hovered around me in the lobby beforehand, we got seated early, and I avoided the lobby altogether at intermission.

My down this week: tried—failed!—to go to Mandarin for lunch on Saturday. It was kiddo’s birthday, so I made the effort, despite my concerns (crowds, chaos). What I think hindered: I was already a bit tired and headachey (theatre meant I was late getting home, and chatting with kiddo kept me up further past my bedtime), the TTC was its usual failure of a self, with cancelled and rescheduled buses, and subsequent punctuality anxiety. Also, the paving at Eglinton station is just off. Instead of regular rectangles, it’s irregular diamond-shapes that made it feel like things were sliding off to the side even if the ground may have been level. Bad lighting in the station, feeling disoriented when we reached the street, and then a huge crush of people at the heavily-ornamented restaurant. Nope. I didn’t even make it as far as the table before I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

My next challenge: Friday I have tickets for Rachmaninoff at TSO. What I hope will help: being well-rested to start with, getting downtown early and having an early dinner so I’m relaxed and well-fed when I get to Roy Thomson Hall. I have a gift certificate for Earl’s, not normally my kinda restaurant, but being a chain it’s easy to suss out the gluten free options, so I can keep up the gf thing and still eat some good food (the gf dessert option is white chocolate crème brûlée!), and it’s a short stroll to the symphony from there. Do I dare to wear heels, which I have not since October? I guess the weather will decide that one.

30 grams of protein and no gluten 

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Mixed emotions

Feeling all the feelings right now. 

I had a real sense of optimism over the break. Reading about other people’s recoveries, making lunchtime cardio a regular habit (I even stepped up to a jog on the treadmill today), getting through a visit to Waterloo (which caused a major regression last time I tried). 

But I just got an email from my work about going on long-term disability. 

Which, I get it. Paperwork has its own timetable and it’s been almost three months (just typing that is depressing). But it’s like being told, “we don’t think you’re going to get better.” And that is depressing as hell. 

But also some of my intense emotional response to it might be due to the concussion itself. The overwhelm and crying, among my least favourite symptoms.

This morning I took “before” pics to add to the collection of progress pics I’ve posted over the years. Before as in, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” But now I’m just feeling down. And like Lucy van Pelt, I don’t want ups and downs. I want ups and ups. Why can’t I go from ups to upper ups?

Anyway, here are the today pictures, whether there’s an after for them to be before, only time will tell. 

My noodle arm