A follow-up

So, I did a little treadmill run today after lunch and felt pretty great. My heartrate stayed normal! I did not want to die after a few minutes! Did a version of C25K week 5 part 2, with two 8-minute runs. Yay.

Then I came home, had an early dinner (roast trout and broccoli, easy to prepare quickly and cholesterol approved) and went to an improv class.

I had this idea a couple of days ago. I am really struggling with losing my words, especially when speaking. How do I get that back? How do I work that muscle? So I looked up improv classes, and discovered that Bad Dog Theatre has improv drop-ins every Saturday and Monday. The closest sessions were booked out, but I put myself on the waitlist and got a spot today.

Of course, as soon as I got on the bus there, I started getting a headache, and wished I had brought my new meds (there’s a daily med, and two “rescue” meds to take when you feel something starting). I don’t know if this headache was due to stress, overexertion, the fact that the last dose of the last med was wearing off, or what. But I kept my water bottle handy to keep hydrated and selectively opted out of things like spinning or bowing low. (I really appreciated that they started the session by inviting us to share accessibility needs.) And I got through it! A little nausea by the end, but it was okay. It was great to be in a room full of beginners, none of whom really knew what to expect, so I didn’t feel like “the slow one” or like I was holding anyone back. I did feel like I was getting into the swing of things like “thinking” and “speaking” by the end, and the great thing about improv is that it’s fundamentally supportive, you’re working to build a scene together, and no one is wrong. One of the exercises was even about the value of patience, waiting for your moment, waiting to have someone’s attention, and making sure that you’re connecting and they’ve understood what you’re conveying.

I feel like this could be helpful for me and wish I had thought of it sooner. Maybe there’s a two-day bootcamp I could try? That would at least work as a make-it-or-break-it type of thing? 

Oof.

Not a good day today. 

Had a team meeting which started out with an agenda but which went off on fifteen different tangents. I struggled to keep up and take notes, but the stuff I needed to discuss never got addressed because we ran out of time. They probably would’ve kept going, but I said I could not do more than an hour (yay self advocacy, do I get a gold star?) and my brain was short circuiting towards the end. 

Didn’t get to the gym as I had another meeting right after lunch, but went for a little walk at least. Second meeting, I just fell apart about five minutes in, and just thinking about it hours later makes me cry. Some days I feel almost normal and some days I feel like I’ll never be the same again. 

I guess I should follow up on my disability paperwork because this is just not working.

Anyway I took a little (longer than intended) break and had a herbal tea and a cookie, and another cookie, and in the end about nine cookies. I find overwhelm is followed by overwhelming appetite. And now I have no cookies left to eat. 

The last of the cookies, now all gone

Three-ingredient peanut butter cookies 

Ingredients:

1 cup peanut butter (all natural but with salt)
1 egg
¾ cup sugar (I used brown)

Directions:

Beat together peanut butter and egg.

Mix in sugar.

Form into 1” balls. Place on cookie sheet. 

Flatten in criss-cross fashion with a fork dipped in water.

Bake at 375°F for 10-15 minutes.

As much as it pains me to say it...

I am trying to go gluten-free.

Anyone who knows me, knows this goes against everything I believe in, i.e. that the greatest thing since sliced bread is toast. I love gluten. But some people say gf can help with concussion recovery, so I’m giving it a shot.

So far, I've been at it since Monday lunchtime (I had rye toast for breakfast). Have I noticed a difference? No. But my understanding from the anti-gluten faction is you need to give it a solid two weeks to see results.

And this week, again, has had ups and downs. But I want to go from ups to upper-ups.

My up this week: going to the theatre for the first time in months. Went to see Company, my all-time favourite musical. And I was okay! What I think helped: I was well-fed beforehand (salade niçoise with a massive fresh yellowfin steak), and my friend drove and hovered around me in the lobby beforehand, we got seated early, and I avoided the lobby altogether at intermission.

My down this week: tried—failed!—to go to Mandarin for lunch on Saturday. It was kiddo’s birthday, so I made the effort, despite my concerns (crowds, chaos). What I think hindered: I was already a bit tired and headachey (theatre meant I was late getting home, and chatting with kiddo kept me up further past my bedtime), the TTC was its usual failure of a self, with cancelled and rescheduled buses, and subsequent punctuality anxiety. Also, the paving at Eglinton station is just off. Instead of regular rectangles, it’s irregular diamond-shapes that made it feel like things were sliding off to the side even if the ground may have been level. Bad lighting in the station, feeling disoriented when we reached the street, and then a huge crush of people at the heavily-ornamented restaurant. Nope. I didn’t even make it as far as the table before I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

My next challenge: Friday I have tickets for Rachmaninoff at TSO. What I hope will help: being well-rested to start with, getting downtown early and having an early dinner so I’m relaxed and well-fed when I get to Roy Thomson Hall. I have a gift certificate for Earl’s, not normally my kinda restaurant, but being a chain it’s easy to suss out the gluten free options, so I can keep up the gf thing and still eat some good food (the gf dessert option is white chocolate crème brûlée!), and it’s a short stroll to the symphony from there. Do I dare to wear heels, which I have not since October? I guess the weather will decide that one.

30 grams of protein and no gluten 

So I went to the dentist

And it wasn’t that bad!

I mean it wasn’t great either, I just imagined it being a lot worse.

I wore and eye mask, and let everyone know what had happened with me, and everyone was very calm and soothing. Helped too I think that it was a pretty minor filling, I was done in about thirty minutes. I did find myself weeping randomly in the chair, and sat for about ten minutes in the waiting room before I felt ready to go, and then sat at the subway station for about another 15 minutes waiting for my bus.

Stars aligned so that a vintage red velvet coat I had been pining for was available to pick up not far away, pretty much on my way home, and near the home of the best sandwich in the city. My dentist is also conveniently located near some nice bakeries and a bookstore where I had an order waiting (totally forgot about that—was supposed to pick it up six weeks ago, the day before my fall!), so I had picked up a book and a slice of cake on my way there, and went to the vintage & arts market and deli on my way home.

The day had started looking fairly grim (I was worried I would get rained on) but by the time I got off the bus near the market, the sun was glorious. I feel so much better when it’s sunny! I arrived a little early, so meandered around the store a bit. Wandering in junky antique stores has been a favourite pastime since I was in school, so it was really nice to do something that felt “normal,” like I’m me again. Even if I did need to leave my bag because it was feeling too heavy. I found a cute bracelet in red quartzite which supposedly brings “power, concentration, and strength” (all things I desperately need!) and is also a lovely colour. I saw some glasses I might go back for. And the coat is perfect—the most gorgeous colour, and in mint condition.

It felt so nice to be doing things I like doing, and feeling able to to them!

I was super exhausted when I got home and today my arm hurts like crazy, but what can you do. Had planned to get my glasses adjusted today, but I think I need to stay home. I walked over 2km yesterday, so a rest day is well earned. Maybe I’ll bake something; I need to outpace my veg box.

Best coat ever

The Honest Abe from When the Pig Came Home

Smetanyk slice from Cake Smith

Survival tips: what to wear

Getting dressed with one arm has been a real struggle. I can somewhat use my forearm now, but I have severe pain if I don’t keep my bicep basically glued to my ribcage. So, no sleeves, pretty much. Definitely no pullovers of any kind. Bottoms are difficult too—I struggle with fasteners one-handed, as well as just getting things on.

I have really been struggling with this! In part just, literally, struggling, because it’s colder now, so can’t just bum around in tank tops or whatever (although spaghetti-strap tank tops have been a lifesaver, because you can just step in an pull them up). But also, it is just really demoralising. I normally enjoy dressing—used to work in vintage clothing, have all sorts of fun pieces, but they’re mostly not injury friendly. I prefer tailored and fitted to baggy and loose, so I can’t button my shirts over my sling easily (I had my arm buttoned into a shirt all day once, and by the end my hand was numb). I can’t wear the tank top with nothing over, because it’s too cold. Pencil skirts that zip up on the left are difficult to put on. It’s too cold for bare legs and tights are impossible. I owned precisely one pair of jogging pants before this, because they’re just not my style. Now I own about six, and I look into the mirror and it’s not my own self looking back. Whiny, but it bugs me.

But I figured out a solution. I ordered a bunch of snap tape. I took a few expendable tops—a couple of hand-me-downs that my kid outgrew, and a black mock-neck pullover I made years ago—ripped out the left side seams (if I really want, I can always re-sew them later, I guess?) and sewed in the snap tape. Voilà! Shirts I can put on. Doing up the snaps is not easy, and on cold days the feel is breezy. But it’s so much better than nothing.

Looks like a normal polo shirt!

Awkward pose, but you can see the snaps!

Then an email popped up, saying, “a seller has offered you a discount on a vintage red cape.” After sighing and wishing I could splurge on such a thing, it occurred to me—capes are perfect when you can’t wear sleeves! It should be here any minute; I keep anxiously running to the porch every time I hear a sound. (My new glasses came today too—almost as good as my old glasses!)

Glasses, new and old

I am sick of the constant jogging pants though (even if I did manage to find one cool pair). And finally, it hit me this morning—suspender tights (warning: NSFW)! Regular tights would be a nightmare to get on one-handed, not to mention having to deal with them again every time you go to the loo. With suspender tights, they’re easier to get into since the hip-to-waist area is basically missing, and once they’re on, underpants go on top, and can go up and down as needed without involving the tights. I think (hope) I have another pair somewhere! 

Survival tips: my bed

A few adjustments I made. Just sharing for fun. And if someone finds it useful.

My bed

The Pillow Wall

I arranged my pillows to form a pillow wall to prop up my arm and keep me from rolling onto my bad shoulder. Basically took my two firmest pillows, stacked them, and placed them to the side going lengthwise along the bed instead of widthwise at the top. The rest of my pillows are at the top where pillows normally are. This allows me to extend my arm and keeps me from rolling over in my sleep. Yes I have a lot of pillows. My ex used to complain about it. So glad he is gone from my life! These pillows make a much better partner!

The Dimmer Cord

I have an extension cord dimmer switch so I can adjust the light without having to reach. See that lamp on the bedside table in the background? It was too far away. The dimmer cord is basically an extension cord you can plug one thing into, controlled by a dimmer switch, and enough length that you can keep the dimmer close to you even if the plug and lamp are not. I got this when my kid (now grown and away at university) was a baby, to use in the nursery when he fell asleep in my arms. I have no idea where I bought this one so many years ago, but this dimmer cord is pretty much the same.

The Bedside Box

That bedside table, so near yet so far. Couldn’t get to it without leaning on my arm. Couldn’t move it to the other side of the bed, as there’s a dresser there. Can’t move that, and it’ too high and too far to use as a bedside table. So, I put a cardboard box on top of my wastepaper basket for a makeshift reachable bedside table. Because it is a box, things stay inside/don’t fall off. It is ugly, but who cares! It works and cost nothing!

Actually, none of these solutions cost me anything; they’re just stuff I had on hand. But they have been so helpful to me!

Learning my limits

Wow, yesterday was horrible!

A 2½ hour morning meeting at 9 o’clock, and then my boss said, “Let’s do a 10 minute huddle before the meeting for our team,” so that was scheduled for 8:30. I had a bad night sleep-wise, but dragged myself to my laptop for 8:30, figuring I’d have time to make coffee between the huddle and the meeting. After waiting a couple of minutes, my other team-mate appeared and said, “Did you see boss’s email? They can’t start till 8:40.” Then they started telling me about a traumatic event they experienced over the weekend. Boss eventually joined as well, and our huddle ran right up to 9 o’clock, and I tried to grab some coffee and breakfast but was called back. So, 2½ hour meeting on half a cup of coffee and no food. 

By an hour in, I was experiencing nausea, tremors, and heart palpitations. My body temperature went up. I felt on the verge of a panic attack. I turned off my camera and lights so I could put my head down and just listen, but then someone shared a PowerPoint so I had to open my eyes again. By the time we got a little snack break almost 2 hours in (2½ for me, because of the huddle that wasn’t) I was sobbing. As soon as the meeting was over I lay down on the sofa with my eyes closed for about 45 minutes. 

And of course, I had another meeting to get through, my regular one-on-one with my boss. I started by letting them know that it had been too much for me in the morning, and they offered to reschedule, but I said that there were a couple of things I needed their input on. After briefly touching on one, they pivoted to talk about their own project, which has a lot of people involved and keeps changing, and invited another person to the meeting. It got really confusing for me at that point, and at one point my boss made the comment that they should be able to just hand the details to me and they can’t. I felt a bit blamed for my injury, but I was so tired at the time I just felt fairly apathetic about it.

Now I’m wondering about how to approach an upcoming team meeting, which is always a big headache (long, lots of attendees, lots of details that aren’t specifically relevant to my work and very jargonny to the point where it feels like a foreign language). And this meeting usually gets rescheduled repeatedly. I really want to say “Hey, I can’t do more than one hour, and I need 30 minutes buffer on either side, so if you’re going to change the time of meetings I need an hour’s notice so that I can adjust the rest of my schedule,” but I wonder how that would go over.

I feel a bit better today (although I cried a bit typing this) because I woke up with the sun and was able to eat breakfast outside on the front porch, soaking up some vitamin D. Can’t wait for my full-spectrum SAD therapy light to arrive.