Is it happening?

So years ago, I went to my doctor with an array of symptoms—headaches, bad acne, night sweats, general misery—you can guess what that was about. They put me on low-dose birth control, as a sort of “HRT-lite” for perimenopause symptoms. 

And it was great! I got my period maybe twice a year, felt fine, symptoms went away, I was my old self again.

Well, the last time I tried to get my prescription renewed, they said I was too old and it was no longer safe.

I can’t remember if I posted about the last time I stopped taking BCP.

It was December 2021. I had just gotten my prescription, but got covid before I could fill it, and I was in isolation for two weeks. As soon as that was up, I picked up my pills, and waited for my period to start taking them (way back when I started, that was the instruction: start the pack on the Sunday after your period starts).

So I waited and waited. Months go by. I thought maybe I was free. But then in April, it comes, and it’s a doozy. “The Waterfall” is what we call it. Utterly brutal and I had no supplies. I spent a week clutching a hot water bottle to my belly, never straying more than a few metres from my bathroom, just in case.

A doctor friend told me, “Sometimes there’s one last big one and then you’re done.” So I didn’t start the pill right away, in hopes (again!) that I might be free. 

Nope.

After Waterfall #2, I got back on the pill and have been on it ever since. Until now.

And I’ve started having symptoms. Food cravings, pimples, some I won’t go into here, but what’s really getting to me are the headaches. Excruciating headaches. I was flabbergasted for a couple of days until I remembered, oh yeah, this was one of my symptoms at the start of this whole process.

Trying to remember if I had headaches back in spring of 2022, but I probably would have assumed it was covid-related back then anyway.

I am just really, really hoping there is no repeat of The Waterfall.

By the numbers

Clothing sizes are awful, we all know that. They’re random and inconsistent but it’s hard to escape the messages (sometimes subliminal sometimes overt) that some are good and some are bad. This compounds the problem in multiple ways. It makes people focus on clothing size instead of health, and also leads clothing manufacturers to play games with sizing in hopes that people will spend more if they can buy the size they like—not gonna lie, I have succumbed to this one—but it just makes everything more inconsistent and frustrating. 

I can’t remember if I blogged already about an experience years ago looking for a swimsuit. 

I just wanted a plain one-piece, ideally “tall” sized (I’m not tall, but I have a long torso). It was the wrong season and everything on the rack was hideous or expensive or both. Finally I found a plain black maillot that looked about right. Size 12 though! Well at least it would probably be long enough. I took it to the change room and was shocked at how small it seemed. Had I gained a bunch of weight and not noticed? I struggled to get the damn thing on, refusing to be conquered by a size 12. I finally did it, looked at my squashed and hunched self in the mirror for about 5 seconds, and took it off.

Then I looked at the tag again and saw it was from the children’s department. 

All that unnecessary torture because I was hung up on a number. 

It happened again earlier in the pandemic. I ordered a skirt online, from a fancy designer, but deeply discounted because it was a sample sale. I checked the measurements on their size chart about a million times, because I wouldn’t be able to return it, and finally bit the bullet and got the size 6. I was disappointed when it arrived that the seams were serged, because it’s a cheap construction method and you can't do alterations easily. Then I tried it on. Or tried to. It would not. No stretch in the fabric, and even though it was a more forgiving A-line cut, way too tight through the hips. And no way tolet out the seams, due to that cheap construction. My fun pick-me-up treat during pandemic times just made me feel worse. Periodically over the pandemic I’d try again, wearing control-top nylons, or when I was “feeling thin,” and I got close, but never quite there.

Then one day I noticed that there was a second tag. The brand tag at the waistband didn't have any info beyond the designer’s name. But in a side seam, closer to the hem, was another tag, with fibre content, washing instructions, and size—zero! It never fit because they sent me the wrong size, and I chose to blame myself for being fat.

I admit I couldn’t resist trying it on this week after being sick and not eating. It fits! It fits as long as I’m too sick to go anywhere. 

Noticing more things

A couple of other things that have changed for me in the past couple of weeks:

1. School started for the kid
2. Fall arrived and it is cold and dark (just realized it was Equinox last week!)

So, I am all alone, all day every day, and it’s suddenly not shocking why I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed for a morning run.

Another thing I realized—I told myself I should start doing morning tap dance practice if it’s too cold and wet to run (very rainy lately) and it suddenly hit me why I struggle with practising—one of the things I enjoy about my tap lessons is that I am doing it with a group of people. I enjoy anything more if I do it with a group of people. Tapping alone in my room just isn’t the same. 

Especially now that I am alone all day at home. The dreaded Zoom meetings do not count as human interaction. They’re inhumane interaction. I have more next week too, and the week after. Ugh.

Fresh start September

Hoping September will bring cooler weather and I will start running again. I ordered a book on Slow Jogging and hoping it will provide some inspiration! Meanwhile, I am going to start tracking nutrition again. So far I have gotten my RDA of iron every day this week!

What a day

Everything went wrong!

Most frustrating: I signed up for a Meetup group called "Hike to Eat" to meet people and get some exercise and of course food. For today's event, a group of 20 were to meet down by the beach, and then walk 9km in an almost loop, so I rode my bike there and figured I'd close the loop at the end to ride home.

Found the meeting spot, introduced myself to the host. There were only two other people there, who didn't have much to say, so it seemed like it would be a wash on the meeting people front, but oh well.

Went to find a bike rack (the host didn't have any suggestions as to where the closest would be) and when I got back a few minutes later they were gone! 

I spent about five minutes wandering around looking for them, but nothing. Finally I checked the event page, and there was a message to someone else who thought they'd be 5 minutes late saying "we leave promptly and don't wait." I posted a question and didn't hear back in 10 minutes so left.

Later the host said he "felt bad" about leaving without warning, but wanted to stick to the schedule. I'm still kind of astonished that someone would just leave without so much as a warning! A simple "heads up we're leaving in 2 minutes, catch up with us on this path if we're gone when you get back" would have made all the difference in the world. 

Anyway. 

So I rode all the way north (uphill) from the Lakeshore to the 401 to do some fabric shopping, so the day wasn't a complete waste. Kind of wrecked me though, because I barely ate before I left the house (since I thought I was going to "Hike to Eat") - 30+ km of hills on half a cup of coffee and a banana. Not recommended! Headache now and an early night. 

3 weeks to go!

 That 10k is just around the corner!

It's been an incredibly stressful time here, as my kid is off to a third world country for two weeks just as the pandemic is ramping up again, and with a war on. Thank goodness they aren't changing planes in Europe st least. All of the vaccines were procured and prophylactic medications taken (if anti vaxxers think covid is rough, I guess they've never travelled internationally?)

But I am trying to make the most of it. No excuse not to run mornings if I'm not chasing him off to school, no reason not to mix up my food habits if he isn't tempting me with pringles and ice cream.

So, I have decided to make an effort to eat less bread (after an Easter weekend of panettone and hot crossed buns), and try 16:8 intermittent fasting. I've done 2:5 before, and it was good for me once I got into it, but easy to say, "this week I can't because..." 

But again, I'm alone now, no excuses. If nothing else it will stop the late night run to the corner store for treats. 

I also got a free week of Hello Fresh deliveries, so starting that today. It's 3 meals for 2, so 6 meals for me. Tonight is spinach salad with blackened barramundi (for all the hot sauce and cajun spice, it was very bland). A lot of the choices were super stodgy (cheesey mashed potatoes, rice, pasta) which is certainly a cheap way for them to fill up the box, but I'm trying something different so chose "carb smart" options. Wasn't very impressed with the menu options generally, though. We'll see. It's free and it's different anyway. 

In other news, I have kept up with doing 15 minute mini workout sessions 4 times a week since signing up for a Strava challenge about 6 weeks ago. So that is something? And I had a good no-walk-breaks 5k last week. 

And I've got some friends to commit to reminding me to take my vitamins since I forget when the kid isn't here. And friends to hang out with. The pandemic has been really lonely for me, and not having my kid makes it harder. I'm fostering a semi-feral cat, so not 100% alone, but the cat doesn't talk much. 

Hoping for a good two weeks and not just moping missing my kid!

Back on track

How many times have I said that?

Let's see, in February I had my covid booster (knocked out for a couple of days), went away for a weekend (arms sore for days), and started a new medication (just feeling... wrong). 

But, today is sunny, and I set my alarm clock to "buzzer" instead of "radio" to make it harder to sleep through. Did my morning mini workout for 15 minutes instead of 10. And walked my son to the bus stop. Got my blood pumping and my vitamin D, so there's that. 

I also signed up for another fundraiser - this one's virtual, so pretty low-key. But the point is to get my bike out and moving. I also taught my son to fix a flat, and signed up for a cycling club, got a new helmet, and ordered some bike shorts and a horn. Giving myself no excuses!

Recovery mode

Wow, my booster shot knocked me out! I expected as much, because the shot I had back in July knocked me out, too. This one wasn't quite as bad; the effects hit sooner after the jab, but I started with Advil and Tylenol right away, so I only had heavy fatigue and arm pain rather than fever like last time.

Knowing what was coming, I had planned to do nothing over the weekend, and boy did I do nothing! Still pretty sleepy today. Tempted to make another pot of coffee but I suspect that way lies madness.

Finally! Something to reach for!

Two years ago, I signed up for my first offical 10k, to take place in May 2020.

2020. Sigh.

Well, it's happening live and in-person this year, and I signed up! So excited to have a goal to motivate me!

And, so far I've stuck to my short-term goal of doing a 10-minute mini-workout every morning this week, and I've been remembering my vitamins.

Interesting how activity and appetite intersect... even though I've been getting more exercise this week, I'm not hungrier. In fact, I've been eating less. Is it because I've consistently remembered my vitamins? Probably?

This weekend may be rough due to my booster - I've ordered a decadent panettone to help me get through it - so I'm going to pick up a nice steak for dinner Friday night. Meat has helped bring my ferritin up from the basement, but I'm hoping to boost it well up into the optimal range. Setting my sights on 50! Should make sure I have some smoked oysters and/or mussels on hand, too...

So slow

My recovery is going so slowly! I am finding it difficult to stay motivated to keep tracking etc. I've reached the point where I'm healthy enough that I don't drop from fatigue at the end of the day, but not so much that I can get any exercise without feeling super drained, so I am having insomnia again. Exercise definitely helps with that, and getting fresh air, but I still have a sore throat and congestion, and it's cold out. Yesterday was sunny at least, so I went for a short walk that was quite pleasant! Today is grey, -4° but feels like -12° with windchill, so the same walk was not as nice. Still I got myself out there at least.

My kid's gym teacher had them doing workouts from Mad Fit in virtual school, and they seem quite doable (she has some workouts which are "apartment friendly" - no jumping, no equipment) so I am going to try starting my day with one of those tomorrow.

Recovering from Covid

Yep, I got covid. An xmas present from my ex. Grr.

Anyway, I have lost 4 lbs over the past 3 weeks, all of it muscle mass though I'm sure, since it was lost by not eating and lying in bed with a fever.

But I'm feeling pretty normal now, just worn out and stiff from lack of exercise and lack of nutrition. Need to start feeding myself properly and exercising.

I did do exercise at home a couple of days, when it was my son who was sick and I was well, just not allowed to leave the house due to quarantine, but then bam I was sick as well and just going downstairs was too much effort! Haven't even been great about taking my vitamins either, I have just been withering away.

For now, my goal will be to maintain that 4 lb loss while converting some of my flab back into muscle. It's nice to have lost some bulk (I'm currently wearing a pencil skirt that had been too snug for my comfort previously), so I'd like to stay where I am in terms of body size, just firm things up because I feel like a blob of lifeless goo. 

Oh, and it seems like my long term fitness tracker, fitday.com, has given up the ghost entirely in the past week. All of my logs are gone. I was using it from 12 October 2005! Augh

Crappy day

 Having one of those days. Pandemic is getting to me. And then a friend said to me, "you know what you need..."

Hot tip: never, ever say "you should" or "you need" unless you are ready and willing to procure that thing.

This was the worst when my kid was a baby, and childless single friends would say dumb stuff like, "you need to make time for yourself! Plan a spa day!" Oh, are you willing to pay for that spa day, and provide childcare? No? Well how is it supposed to happen then? You think it never occurred to me that a spa day would be lovely, and that's the only reason I haven't done it?

Honestly 90% of the time people know what they need, they just aren't able to get it. 

And reminding people that they aren't able to get things they really, really need is just rubbing salt in the wound.

Grr.

I think it is once again time to go full hermit mode. Interacting with people means either seeing happy families (grumble) or happy couples (grrrr) or people going out and about throwing caution to the wind (GRAAAAGH) or getting shouted at by neurotic judgy doomsayers (augh!) or self-righteous people who lack empathy saying "you have no right to complain because someone else is worse off" (seethe) none of which is what I need right now.

Even Instagram, formerly a haven of lovely loaves of bread and birdwatching posts, is now full of restaurants announcing closures, either out of caution, or because their staff members have already tested positive. I just can't handle the constant misery. Augh.

Anyway this blog might get busier as I try to divert myself away from other things. We'll see.