Rough couple of weeks

What else to say. Memorial was Sunday, so many emotions, so many people I hadn’t seen in ten years. I felt quite literally drained of energy by the end, incapable of forming the most basic thought. Monday was terrible, I was back in “am I having a heart attack” mode (even though my blood pressure is pretty consistently 100/60). But the evening was good; I was out at a board meeting that left me feeling energized, and then to a tap event which was fantastic.

The week has basically been up and down like that.

But I keep on keeping on. Did some stretches last night for the first time in forever. Need to get back in the habit! My shoulder is a mess and the rest is not much better. Just lying down gave me a bit of vertigo. Glad I went ahead and booked a second appointment with Angus last time I saw him. I definitely need it!  

Oof

What a stressful week. My sister-in-law—almost exactly my age, her birthday just two weeks after mine—died last Saturday. She had diabetes, and other disabilities, but still it comes as a shock. Her kid is a year younger than my kid. It’s overwhelming to think about.

I’ve been super stressed all week. She died Saturday night at 7, I found out at 8, and the next day I had to officiate a wedding. Monday I had an emotionally fraught fundraiser to attend (some of that emotion due to the cause—Palestine—some due to my feelings—unrequited?—for the performer, who has since left the country). Tomorrow I am taking my cousin to/from the hospital for a GI scope. Day after tomorrow is my annual eggnog party. I have so much prep to do and so little motivation. I just want a nap.

I had a bad pelvic floor moment today (don’t ask). My shoulder has been acting up, too—it’s still on the level, but feels wrong, and my neck and arm are kind of messed up, going right down into my hand, and I’ve had a couple of vertigo moments as well (including one where I almost fell on the stairs). I am tried an anxious and if I didn’t know better I would think I was having a heart attack (part of my reason for posting today is so that if it is a heart attack, I can legit say “I told you so!”)

Ch-ch-changes

It’s been almost a year since the death of Fitday, which means almost a year of Cronometer. Not that I’m terribly consistent with tracking (especially when I don’t like the numbers) but it’s a fair idea:

My weight over 2023 

Steady, then a jump up, then steady, then a jump down, then steady, then a jump up... then I stopped tracking for a bit and now we’re back to the jump down. 

Time for some reflection. 

The spring jump up: usual seasonal anxiety due to various anniversaries etc.

The June jump down: gastritis. 

The July jump up: stopping HRT.

The current jump down: not sure? I had a sort of non-period late September, then nothing till a couple of weeks ago (the ramp up to which was all pimples and binge eating), then a normal-person period, then my appetite disappeared and weight dropped off effortlessly. So I am assuming hormones. 

Question is, now that I’m here, now that I have some awareness of how I got here, can I stay here? Can I be mindful of hormonal swings and find other ways to manage them? Because really a 10% up/down swing in weight has to be a pretty significant strain on the system. 

Trying again

Well I haven’t been tracking or doing any (intentional) exercise lately. But I have been keeping busy. 

Now that I’m all-natural with the hormones and just experiencing perimenopause as it happens, I find my appetite and metabolism fluctuate like crazy. Just uncontrollable hunger at times, and my weight climbed to a number where I didn't want to weigh myself (hence the no tracking). Then I had a very light period and my appetite vanished and I could honestly feel my body burning through reserves. Just snapped back to the goal weight I achieved in the spring. Hormones, man. It’s wild. 

Anyway, I need to start tracking again, and find better ways to manage the swings than eating a ton of raw cookie dough. 

And I haven’t done “progress pics” in a year and a half! Here’s the last one for comparison. I don’t see a difference? No idea what I weighed then either, since the demise of Fitday…

(Tried to recreate the pose as exactly as possible)

Greetings from Buenos Aires!

The kid is away, so figured it was my chance to get away too.

Just a whirlwind week with a couple of days eaten up with flights, but other than that, lots of walking. Lots of walking. Nice thing about solo travel is I can wake up when I like, just have coffee and a pastry on the go or skip breakfast if I'm not hungry (and I've been weirdly not hungry), spend six or seven hours walking around (museums, gardens, just around town) and then grab a bite to eat whenever if I feel like it (again, weirdly not hungry). 

There are cake and pastry shops on every corner so you think I'd be eating like crazy, but somehow nope. I haven't been drinking enough water either (whoops). 

Tonight I am going to finally have my steak dinner though!

Whoof.

I have been so insanely hungry lately. We’re talking three times as many calories in as out yesterday. Whoops. Weight is the same though.

I blame hormones, although my last period—if I can even call it that—was just three days of light spotting. Gynecologist tomorrow morning to see about my “friable” cervix.

Meanwhile, I swear the hormones have messed up my muscles. They’re too tense, or they’re not tense enough. After my last run, my calves were absolute murder for about four days! Unheard of, and it was a very average run for me. 

Speaking of, tonight I’m doing another bootcamp run with Midnight Runners. Looking forward to it although a bit nervous since I have been so lazy lately! I’m sure it will be fine, although I might do more stretching than workouts during the pit stops. 

It’s me again, posting after a month of inactivity because I actually went for a run.

Let’s see, it’s been a month of travel, illness, dentistry, and side gigs… Finally getting back to normal, briefly, before things get upended again next month.

Happily, despite a lot of eating of treats and sitting in cars, my weight is where it should be. Went for a run this morning now that the weather is cooler, and it felt good.

Goal is to keep on the straight and narrow for the next two weeks, before everything goes sideways again. 

Rubbish!

I just read the most annoying and irresponsible study and I just need to complain about it. 

Entitled Home grocery delivery improves the household food environments of behavioral weight loss participants: Results of an 8-week pilot study, you can tell it’s useless just from the title—8 weeks? Nearly every diet/fitness plan in existence looks successful at the outset, and turns out to be unsustainable over time. And they even admit that no one was planning to continue the program after the study.

Gist is this:

Two groups—control and study—spend 8 weeks following a health regime of calorie restriction (1200-1500 daily), low fat (<30%), minimum 150 minutes weekly exercise. Study group were told to buy their groceries online and have them delivered, and the delivery fees were covered for them. At the end of the 8 weeks, the study group had fewer unhealthy food items in their homes than the controls.

That’s the title about “household food environments.”

More important:

They did not lose more weight, or show any difference in health improvements.

In addition to ordering online, they also got an individual session with a nutritionist who gave them tips on what to buy—hello, that is gonna have a bigger impact than shopping online!

They all said they would stop ordering online after the study, “perhaps” because they were unsatisfied with the price of food bought online. Can confirm, we ordered online groceries during covid, and the prices were a lot higher, in addition to the delivery fees. Having the fees reimbursed doesn’t make the groceries cost the same. 

Perhaps the study group had a better household food environment because they couldn’t afford treats or any extras at online prices? Perhaps having a session with a nutritionist was a factor? The authors of the study don’t even consider how these two huge factors would affect the outcome.

Groceries online are a huge pain. Definitely less likely to buy fresh produce—both because you can’t predict the quality, and you generally can’t control the quantity (they’re giving you 7 brown bananas, when you only wanted 3 green ones).

Useless study, and I’m annoyed to see it promoted in a newsletter I received. Blecch.

You know the best solution to avoid impulse purchases at the grocery store? Walk. And carry stuff home, We do it every week, it’s exercise, and at a point you say, “basket is too heavy, we’re done.” Of course not everyone has that luxury (similar to... the luxury of being able to get delivery…) but that’s a rant for another day.

An exercise in will power

I have eaten a lot for the last while—blaming hormones etc.—and Wednesday is always a big eating day, because usually there’s also more exercise since I’m in the office (so the day is bookended by bike rides), and it is also nachos day. Here’s a typical day:

Screenshot cuts off some of the actual food but the totals are there

More calories than technically needed, and half of them from dinner. Not only that, but typically I’m ravenous by dinner time Wednesday, so I consume those nachos in under 4 minutes. And then my tummy hurts.

Today, working from home, I made a concerted effort to not just eat all day, and to eat my nachos and a normal pace instead of wolfing them like a starving castaway. 

And I did it! Honestly I think it’s more the fluctuating hormones than any great moral victory on my part. But I’ll take it!

It is happening.

Well we’re on, looks like. 

Spotting Sunday, nothing Monday, definitely a period starting last night (while I was out, natch—so glad I had supplies buried deep in my bag).

Doesn’t seem heinous though. No waterfall or severe cramping. I shouldn’t say that; I’ll jinx myself. 

Hmmm

Spotting today. Fresh looking. Just making a note of it here because I need to keep track somewhere. 

Is it happening?

So years ago, I went to my doctor with an array of symptoms—headaches, bad acne, night sweats, general misery—you can guess what that was about. They put me on low-dose birth control, as a sort of “HRT-lite” for perimenopause symptoms. 

And it was great! I got my period maybe twice a year, felt fine, symptoms went away, I was my old self again.

Well, the last time I tried to get my prescription renewed, they said I was too old and it was no longer safe.

I can’t remember if I posted about the last time I stopped taking BCP.

It was December 2021. I had just gotten my prescription, but got covid before I could fill it, and I was in isolation for two weeks. As soon as that was up, I picked up my pills, and waited for my period to start taking them (way back when I started, that was the instruction: start the pack on the Sunday after your period starts).

So I waited and waited. Months go by. I thought maybe I was free. But then in April, it comes, and it’s a doozy. “The Waterfall” is what we call it. Utterly brutal and I had no supplies. I spent a week clutching a hot water bottle to my belly, never straying more than a few metres from my bathroom, just in case.

A doctor friend told me, “Sometimes there’s one last big one and then you’re done.” So I didn’t start the pill right away, in hopes (again!) that I might be free. 

Nope.

After Waterfall #2, I got back on the pill and have been on it ever since. Until now.

And I’ve started having symptoms. Food cravings, pimples, some I won’t go into here, but what’s really getting to me are the headaches. Excruciating headaches. I was flabbergasted for a couple of days until I remembered, oh yeah, this was one of my symptoms at the start of this whole process.

Trying to remember if I had headaches back in spring of 2022, but I probably would have assumed it was covid-related back then anyway.

I am just really, really hoping there is no repeat of The Waterfall.

The charts

Looking at Cronometer this morning, it’s amazing how clear and obvious the stomach flu is:

Can you tell when I got sick?

That day where I had almost nothing to eat or drink—I think just ginger ale—that corresponds exactly with losing 5 lbs overnight. 

But amazingly it’s stayed that way, despite my intake being pretty much back to normal. Which is to say, there are days I consume twice as many calories as "they" say I should. 

Could it be I’ve reset my set point? I read something a while ago about resetting set points by spending a period of time maintaining a specific weight instead of trying to change it. When I looked for the post again I couldn’t find it, so I don’t remember the details. 

Years ago—around when I started this blog actually—I lost a bunch of weight all at once, and an endocrinologist told me that since my weight had gone to an amount less than but still easily within 10% of the weight I had maintained throughout my 20s, it was just my body “snapping back” to the weight it wanted to be. Weird to think I weigh even less now, about 20 lbs less than 25 years ago. 

Could this be my new normal?

Skin in the game

I guess  it’s inevitable with age but my skin is starting to creep me out. Or crepe me out, as the case may be. 

Specifically, it’s my belly that's bugging me. 

I look fine standing up, but if I bend over…

It’s not fat; I have a small waist and typically carry my extra weight on my thighs. Especially after my bout with gastritis, I’m as thin as I need to be and there’s no extra fat around the middle. Just extra skin. I didn’t lose a lot of weight either—nothing dramatic enough that I expected this.

It’s been looming for a while. I had thought “if I lose those last 5 lbs, it will go away.” Nope. I may not have a 6-pack but my abs are not bad. I started working on my core more at the behest of my physio, and if anything it’s made me more self-conscious—this morning, doing a plank, I got a glimpse of my droopy skin and it just looks ugly. 

On top of everything else, I am now so old that I can’t get my birth control renewed—a low-dose pill I was prescribed to manage perimenopause symptoms. Did I post about the horrors of the waterfall period last time I stopped taking the pill? Dreading that happening again. And having these other more visible reminders of the change pop up is making me anxious. 

Is this when I start taking collagen? Or some other supplement? Or do I try (and fail) at body positivity again?

Fibre!

So one  of the fun things about iron deficiency is that the supplements cause constipation. I used to get these biscuits with the evocative name of “bowel buddy.” But when I looked for them recently I couldn’t find. 

So I made my own recipe!

High-Fibre Cookies!

Two cookies contain a third of the RDA for fibre. And they don’t taste terrible, although next time I’ll add cinnamon.

Recipe: High-fibre Cookies 

Ingredients:

1 cup Bran Buds cereal 

½ cup oats

1 egg, beaten 

½ cup apple sauce 

1 tsp vanilla 

¾ cup brown sugar 

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking powder 

¾ tsp salt 

⅜ cup psyllium husk powder 

 1 cup raisins, roughly chopped 

Directions:

Grind Bran Buds and oats together in a food processor. 

Combine egg and apple sauce. Add vanilla and brown sugar. 

Combine flour, baking powder, salt, and psyllium. Stir into egg mixture. 

Stir in ground cereals and raisins. 

Place tablespoon-sized mounds on a baking sheet and bake at 350°F for 15 minutes. 

Honestly thrilled with how these turned out for a first attempt at a totally improvised recipe. I guess my years of cookie-baking are finally paying off!

A nice surprise

I have had this top and skirt for ages, long enough that I haven’t worn it in years. The neckline of the top never sat quite right, and the skirt had torn along the seam at the back where the kick pleat is. It was on my long-term list of things to fix before buying new fabric (cross off 3 to-dos before getting 1 treat).

Being so long since I’d worn it meant no fear of messing up—it might as well be rags anyway, the worst that could happen is I’d have more closet space! 

So with the help of “mending tape” I fixed the tears and resewed the seam, which meant taking it in by about an inch through the hips. Without trying it on first to see if it would even fit.

Guess what—fits fine, even a little roomy! So happy right now, it’s two wins in one! A “new” outfit and evidence that all this cycling and careful eating (if only due to gastritis) has made a difference!

Linen/cotton 2-piece dress

The core

I haven’t done any “dedicated” exercise in months.

By that, I mean exercise for the sake of exercise, as opposed to biking as a form of transportation, walking to get groceries, etc.

And I kind of prefer it that way.

I had a gym membership before the pandemic, which I used a few times when the weather was too hot or cold to do much outside, but I generally find working out to be incredibly dull and I’m not motivated to do it.

My physiotherapist has other ideas though.

Have I mentioned my pelvic floor yet? TMI? I started seeing a pelvic floor physio to deal with some of the usual symptoms of being a middle-aged woman who delivered an 8-pound baby vaginally. Or so I thought. Apparently people can suffer these issues at any age, whether they gave birth or not. And kegels don’t help. Kegels make things worse. For me, at any rate.

I like to think of a hand holding a raw egg. If you don’t hold it firmly enough, it’ll slip through your fingers and you’ll have a mess on the floor. Hold it too tightly, you’ll crush it. Result is the same.

The latter is my problem. So, I’ve been working on relaxation exercises and techniques for my pelvic floor muscles. That’s going well and helping a lot. More recently, we’ve added in core-strengthening exercises (“snugs,” she calls them). It is so difficult to clench one set of muscles while keeping others relaxed! I had no idea. We talked about diastasis recti, and the exercises recommended for that. She asked me to demonstrate, then: “Can you do that without clenching your glutes?” Um, no?

So that’s what I’m working on.

This morning, I decided to get back to my old 20-situps-a-day routine, which I 100% let slide when I was sick. Hard to do while trying to keep other parts relaxed at the same time! I also tried planking, which lasted all of 40 seconds. Ah well. Baby steps... 

Conflicting feelings

Got my first “lucky you” on the weekend. 

As in, lucky to get stomach flu so you lost some weight. 

The thing is, I wouldn’t mind a simple “you look great” or something. I know some people are bothered by any comment about weight loss, but I don’t mind a straight up compliment, especially if someone thought it was a result of hard work! 

I don’t feel lucky to have had days of diarrhoea and vomiting followed by weeks of upset stomach. 

I do fully intend to keep the weight off now that it’s gone though. 

It was really just “that last 5 lbs” that everyone struggles with, but losing them really does make a difference. I like how my clothing feels. I like how I look. I feel vaguely guilty for liking these things, because of the bombardment of messages from the media that basically say women should never feel good about themselves, including—especially?—if their feelings are connected to weight loss, because we’re supposed to prioritize other people’s feelings above our own. 

Hence conflicting. I have been feeling under the weather for over a month now, and I want to enjoy the one positive thing that came out of that. I hate how hard it is to just feel my feelings independently of the world’s expectations and impositions!

Still wobbly

After a completely insane week, I decided to cancel today’s planned ride with the cycling club (our air quality is terrible due to smoke from wildfires, and it was threatening rain) and sleep in a bit.

Then I thought I’d take advantage of a day without plans to try reintroducing coffee again.

Mixed results?

I was feeling fine—a little edgy, but with some of my get-stuff-done energy back. Did some productive puttering and was feeling good. 

Then I got carried away and decided to have bacon and eggs for lunch and I think it was too greasy for me to handle. Feeling quite wobbly. Decided to lie down with a movie instead of going to a friend’s pool party (also: rain). 

But I find that even though I feel kind of wrecked (see: insane week) it’s hard to just lie down, due to all that caffeine I’m no longer used to. Brain wants to sleep; body won’t.

But at least I managed all right until that heavy greasy meal! Gotta remember baby steps when healing.

Starting to notice a pattern

A couple of weeks ago I had drinks with an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. She had been unhappy with her weight and was working on it, and had lost about 25 lbs. 

Suddenly, she didn’t need to take pain meds anymore! She had been taking Aleve twice a day because her hip hurt and stairs were murder, but the pain has gone away since she lost the weight.

As she said, “Diet and exercise! Who knew?”

Who indeed.

I saw someone else make a similar comment recently. They had been in the obese category of BMI (yes I know it’s discredited, but that’s the stat available to me), had lost weight due to various changes in diet and nutrition that were mainly lifestyle-related (changing work location, social things, etc.). They had been perfectly healthy according to all of the bloodwork measures of metabolic wellbeing (sugars, cholesterol, etc.) but needed painkillers every night because of joint pain. And after losing 30 lbs just by living differently, their chronic joint pain went away.

It’s probably due to the exercise more than the diet, I would guess, which is a double-edged sword. How do you get the motivation to move when you’re hurting? Even knowing that it will help in the long run isn’t very motivating, because it’s not a quick fix. You have to wait to feel the results.

But if ever there was inspiration to eat right and get moving, freedom from pain is it! I wonder how many other people have these stories?

Ooh I like it

Ususally I use the app, so I didn’t know this was a thing, but look at this neat feature of the Cronometer website:

Hover over the nutrient and get all this info!

In the app, for fibre, it just tells you what percent of the RDI you’re at. I sometimes want to know grams. Love that this shows percent of RDI and grams, and all this info about where you got the nutrient from! This is hovering over the grey progress bar; hovering over the word “fibre” gives you info on what fibre is and food sources where you can get it.

I’m such a nerd I love having the info. 

Especially since I am dealing with all of these stomach woes. Now Liquid Iron made me a bit uncomfortable (and it tastes disgusting). I also ordered Ferosom, which I believe is in my mailbox this exact minute. The person who recommended it warned me that “you need to up your fibre intake” to avoid issues, so I am extra keen to get as much as possible.

Also I am happy to see that the sweetmeal digestive biscuits I’ve been stuffing my face with are a good source of fibre and iron. I may be slightly addicted.

Stumbling along

Got some decaf coffee to trick myself, or try to. Hoping my stomach will accept it caffeine if I try to reintroduce it gradually. 

Yesterday I decided to throw caution to the wind a bit, and decided if I was going to feel awful anyway, I might as well eat something tasty. I got a Too Good to Go bag from Nadege, with all sorts of mousse-y desserts. Dairy schmairy! And I didn't feel any worse after! Maybe I even felt better due to the healing qualities of caramel, cheesecake, and chantilly cream! So maybe I can start reintroducing dairy, just not at the same time as caffeine. We’ll see!

Restless

Restless leg, that is.

The good thing about restless leg syndrome (RLS) is that it’s an easy to spot early sign of iron deficiency. 

The bad thing is that it makes it really difficult to sleep. 

I haven’t taken any supplements since my gastro bug started last week, especially the iron which is famously hard on the stomach. And my diet has been straight bland carbs, for the most part. So right now I’m experiencing a kind of malnutrition hangover. 

So, I’m trying to gently reintroduce normal food. Boiled eggs for breakfast on Friday made me feel almost human again. Coffee on Saturday put me back in the loo for much of the day. Last night after a day of mainly crackers I tried our usual Sunday stir fry (chicken, broccoli, yellow pepper) and it seemed to be okay. Today I tried my usual Monday breakfast (fried egg, blood pudding, toast, coffee) and I am writing from the toilet. 

I can’t wait to be normal again!

By the numbers

Clothing sizes are awful, we all know that. They’re random and inconsistent but it’s hard to escape the messages (sometimes subliminal sometimes overt) that some are good and some are bad. This compounds the problem in multiple ways. It makes people focus on clothing size instead of health, and also leads clothing manufacturers to play games with sizing in hopes that people will spend more if they can buy the size they like—not gonna lie, I have succumbed to this one—but it just makes everything more inconsistent and frustrating. 

I can’t remember if I blogged already about an experience years ago looking for a swimsuit. 

I just wanted a plain one-piece, ideally “tall” sized (I’m not tall, but I have a long torso). It was the wrong season and everything on the rack was hideous or expensive or both. Finally I found a plain black maillot that looked about right. Size 12 though! Well at least it would probably be long enough. I took it to the change room and was shocked at how small it seemed. Had I gained a bunch of weight and not noticed? I struggled to get the damn thing on, refusing to be conquered by a size 12. I finally did it, looked at my squashed and hunched self in the mirror for about 5 seconds, and took it off.

Then I looked at the tag again and saw it was from the children’s department. 

All that unnecessary torture because I was hung up on a number. 

It happened again earlier in the pandemic. I ordered a skirt online, from a fancy designer, but deeply discounted because it was a sample sale. I checked the measurements on their size chart about a million times, because I wouldn’t be able to return it, and finally bit the bullet and got the size 6. I was disappointed when it arrived that the seams were serged, because it’s a cheap construction method and you can't do alterations easily. Then I tried it on. Or tried to. It would not. No stretch in the fabric, and even though it was a more forgiving A-line cut, way too tight through the hips. And no way tolet out the seams, due to that cheap construction. My fun pick-me-up treat during pandemic times just made me feel worse. Periodically over the pandemic I’d try again, wearing control-top nylons, or when I was “feeling thin,” and I got close, but never quite there.

Then one day I noticed that there was a second tag. The brand tag at the waistband didn't have any info beyond the designer’s name. But in a side seam, closer to the hem, was another tag, with fibre content, washing instructions, and size—zero! It never fit because they sent me the wrong size, and I chose to blame myself for being fat.

I admit I couldn’t resist trying it on this week after being sick and not eating. It fits! It fits as long as I’m too sick to go anywhere. 

One thing after another

I almost forgot I had shingles a couple weeks ago until I came to post here!

This week, it’s viral gastroenteritis.

The weeks in between were fairly busy—nights out with three different out-of-town friends (Chicago, Winnipeg, Montreal), an opera, a couple of plays, a reading, a group dinner out, bicycle club social, work  lunch/bridal shower, tennis lessons, the kid’s big Coming of Age event, a protest march. I feel like I’m forgetting stuff.

I did end up having a drink four days in one week, when normally I go weeks without any alcohol, so I thought maybe that was the problem. 

Nope, it’s going around. 

I have lost 6 lbs in four days and it does not feel good. You can easily see where my body wants to be—hovering around 138-140 (previous high was during the dental self-pity era, but dropped off when I got back to normal). Presumably I’ll bounce back once I can eat again. 

Weight change—or rather, maintenance—over 8 weeks 

Meanwhile, here’s a typical meal: half a cup of applesauce, chamomile tea, and saltines. 

Bland and digestible 

Gearing up to have a cup-a-soup later. Have to go slow; food does no good if it doesn’t stay down! I shudder to think of my iron levels though. 

Meanwhile, it’s a good time to stay indoors with the wildfires making outdoor exercise unhealthy if not impossible. I was supposed to do a group run last night and cancelled due to illness (obviously), but maybe that’s for the best? I’d likely be back to needing an inhaler if I tried a bootcamp run in the smog.

At this point, just hoping for a quiet weekend. 

Fatigue

Despite a fairly lazy long weekend I am still feeling pretty wiped! Spots are nearly gone—just discoloration now more than anything—but from what I've read the fatigue/malaise part of shingles can stick around for up to 5 weeks. Hope that's not the case here! This week is a busy one and I need all the energy I can get!

Can’t get you out of my head

I keep thinking about this post I saw in a discussion forum, from a person who was teetering on the edge of pre-diabetes and starting medication for that.

In America, so insurance arguing it’s not covered, and having to pay out of pocket. That’s a rant for another day.

What really struck me was their math—figuring that the cost of their meds (over $500/month) would be recouped by eating only one meal a day, instead of 2 + snacks.

I am pretty frugal, and prices are going up, but $500/month is what I spend on groceries for myself + my teenage kid who is with me over 70% of the time. And that’s Canadian dollars! $500 USD would be (quickly googles) $674 CAD at the moment (ugh). I never get close for that for two people, unless we’re hosting a party or something. And that was just part of what they were spending on food for one person. Say 2/3 of their per person food budget. That would add up to $2,000/month for two people! Four times what I spend! Just can’t wrap my head around it. I don’t understand how it adds up, unless you’re eating out every day, or eating all prepared/processed foods instead of cooking.

Of course, now that I type that, I am quietly nodding my head, because yep, I have encountered many Americans over the years who eat all kinds of processed and prepared foods. I guess there are Canadians who eat like that too but I just don’t hang out with them? I always remember years ago, seeing someone (American) post something in a cooking forum about buttermilk, and someone else (American) suggest “full fat buttermilk,” and I asked wasn’t buttermilk typically low fat because it’s what’s left after all the fat has gone into the butter, and they responded, “They don’t make it that way anymore, it’s all processed so they can leave the fat in.” And all I could think was, what a perfect metaphor for mainstream America, everything processed with extra fat included. And I mean I love my fat, don’t get me wrong. It’s the whole extra processing to make food faker that gets me. Buttermilk with extra fat. There’s also low-fat milk with extra protein. All kinds of processed foods that people eat while at the same time proclaiming carrots or whatever to be unhealthy. Take things out! Put things in! Synthesize “paleo” ice cream just like the cave man ate! Or fake fat potato chips that give you diarrhoea! Your body doesn’t know what it’s getting! And then wonder why you’re unhealthy. 

It’s funny because I know Americans who say they would never live here because taxes, but if the groceries are that much more? And healthcare? I think we definitely have the better deal north of 49.

Oops

I know it’s not de rigueur to be happy about being slim but I started digging out summer clothes today and am happy that my white jeans still fit nicely. Size 25!

I knew I was stressed, but…

I have shingles!

This spring has been hard, per usual, although less hard than other springs. I handled my grief a lot better, but also compensated by over-scheduling, too much volunteering (although I had no way of knowing how disorganized that one group would be, but note to self, just assume the worst and do not take on extra during spring), too many clients with the side-hustle, lots going on at work, the usual romantic woes, etc.

Anyway.

Last week, I put “gardening” in my calendar as a lunchtime appointment. It felt great! Getting outside in the sunshine, at one with nature. Good for mental and physical health both. The next day I had spots, and wrote them off as from a bug or plant (we did have a patch of nettles pop up one year). The day after, a couple more spots. Two days later, a few more. Main patch by my right knee, the others further up my leg—they’d make a neatish line if you joined them up.

And they hurt, and seemed to be getting worse, not better. I tried peroxide and bandages so at least they wouldn’t be bothered by the hem of my skirt etc. They just got worse. I got a new ointment yesterday and tried it this morning while googling “rash that doesn’t go away” and “rash on one leg only.” Shingles came up, and it did look in the early stages the way shingles looked last time. So I made a virtual appointment.

I never brought up shingles, but the Nurse Practitioner did, after looking at the photos and asking a few questions. Ugh.

Now I’m waiting for the prescription to go through, so I can get a topical steroid cream (it’s too late for the anti-virals). 

I’ve also had subconjunctival haemorrhage twice in the last couple of weeks. Not related apparently, but can also be a sign of stress. Keep thinking of that book, When the Body Says No. My body is saying NOOOOO!!!!!

I did it!

I survived!

Can’t help remembering when I started running, how many times I started Couch to 5k and gave up on week 4, running the Bunny Hop 5k in Barrie for Deaf Access Simcoe-Muskoka and collapse at the end from exhaustion, even last year when I almost gave up at the 8k mark in the Sporting Life 10k. 

This year felt so much better. Even biked there and back. I will never be a fitness nut (nor do I want to be) but feeling strong feels good. And it also feels good to know that making plans to support my best possible run actually does make a big difference. 

This time I focused on feeling good and finishing strong. I gave myself small goals along the way (don’t be the first to stop and walk, run at least 5k before taking a walk break, make it to the turning point before taking a walk break, make it to the bottom of the big hill before taking a walk break) and made decisions to support my needs beforehand as well as along the way (good sleep before, remembered to take vitamins, drank a V8, yogurt and a banana for breakfast, juice break at the turning point, dumping water on my head as needed to stay cool and fresh, a handful of dates in my pocket for energy, walk break up the hill), so I’d be in a good position to finish strong (one of the tenets of Slow Jogging being that you remember the run based on how you finish so if you finish strong you’ll feel good about the whole thing). Also helped knowing that the kid was up early and had a plan to get to the finish line.

And I exceeded my fundraising goal for the Cancer Society! Best way to remember and honour my mum this Sunday before Mother’s Day.

Before 

After—still smiling!

One more sleep!

Tomorrow is race day!

I am relieved and thrilled to have met my fundraising goal for the Cancer Society (although still accepting donations!) 

Yesterday I did a 5k run in the morning, and a 22k ride in the afternoon to pick up my bib etc. And some walking. Today will be mostly a rest day, although I do have tennis this afternoon. 

Right now, I’m trying to strategize what to eat and when. I treated myself to new socks and a new water bottle yesterday, and a fanny pack for snacks, although the shirt I got with my bib has a back pocket! So I think I’ll return the pack and just use that. beyond water, I thought I’d bring a banana and maybe a granola bar (I think I have some in the cupboard…) or gorp.

Typically, I don’t eat before a run—I go first thing in the morning, maybe have a V8 (sometimes with added salt) to get me started. 

This run is a bit different, so maybe requires a different strategy.

• it’s twice as far as my typical run
• it’s not a “get up and go” run, I have to get myself to the starting line

That, and I am going to the theatre tonight, so not sure when I’ll have dinner (before I head out at 5:30? after I get home at 11?). If I have a very early dinner, I’ll need something in the morning. If I have a very late dinner, probably not.

Reading this article on What to Eat before Running Any Distance they say to keep it minimal for a 10k, “since this workout will last less than an hour”—clearly they don’t know me!

Thinking I will have a yogurt and coffee in the morning, and bring a banana and a granola bar if I can find one in the house. Maybe eat half the banana before? The article suggests to eat “at least 30 minutes before you line up.” Maybe get to the start early (should do that anyway), eat the banana, and shove some dates in my pocket if I need something on the way? 

Last year was so awful; I want to avoid repeating that experience if I can. Hence over thinking fuel now; it’s something within my control, so if I can, I want to make the best choices possible.

Anyway. Wish me luck! And if you want, you can track my run!

One week till race day!

Almost there! Had hoped to get a practice 10k under my belt in April, but just too much going on between my dental work and kid being sick and volunteering and work and everything else. Got 5k in this morning, but it's 10 full days (or more?) since I ran at all!

Me after a run

But I got through my 5k with no stopping, just have to do that twice next Sunday...

Still haven't reached my fundraising goal, which is frustrating. I know no one reads this blog, but if anyone is out there, please donate!

April is the cruelest month

Trying to get back on track again, has been very up and down over the last week or so.

✔ Fixed flat tire on bike 

✘Tennis cancelled 

✘Easter candy 

✘Dentist 

✘Kid sick

✘Birthday cancelled 

✔ Biked to theatre opening 

✘Kid sick again/still 

✔ Beautiful day for biking and walking 

✔ Kid better 

✔ Tennis starts!

✔ Glorious weather! 

✔ Outdoor grilling!

✔ Taught kid to fix their own flat tire 

✘Blustery weather returns 

Okay tallying that up... 8 ✔ vs 7 ✘. Just barely on the positive side of the balance. Good news is, I signed up for a group run tomorrow night, and snow is no longer part of the forecast. It might snow tonight, but should be gone by tomorrow. Crossing fingers...

Weekend update

5k run this morning. Felt really good! Temperature on the cusp of zero, but the sun was shining and birds were singing. My 10k is four weeks from today… yikes.

Overall this long weekend has been pretty good (although since I keep a four-day work week, it’s really no different for me).

Friday: fixed my flat tyre. Still need to install the new headlights and grips, but at least it’s rideable now. It feels so nice to be able to get around again. Baked honey cake and made onion rings for the first time (so good!). Rode my bike to tea with my cousins, later met a friend for a sauna and a drink. 

Saturday, tennis was cancelled (supposed to be my first lesson, boo) but met a new friend for hot chocolate, did some shopping downtown, got new running shorts (Uniqlo Airism) in the same grey as my Brooks bra, a couple of t-shirts for summer (realized last summer just how old and ratty my t-shirt selection had gotten), and a cute tank top. Picked up liver for dinner.  Did a tiny amount of sewing. Then went to the opera in the evening and was very good about going straight to bed without playing around on my phone (although I did bring cookies and milk). 

It was only this morning that I remembered that yesterday was my parents’ wedding anniversary. Previously that’s been a hard day for me, but this year was fine. And I realized that—subconsciously I suppose—the things I chose to do in the course of the day honoured each of my parents in their own way (sewing and liver for mum, opera for dad), and called them to mind without sadness while I was doing them. So that is a big improvement for me.

Have some feelings about my birthday this week, the usual “how am I this old and still single, no one will ever want me” routine. But I’m also feeling fit and strong today, and trying on new clothes (cropped tank top, at my age? I think it’s pretty cute, actually!) and meeting new people are both tangible reminders that I have new experiences and adventures to explore. I should probably take some progress pics again, it’s been a while.

Overall, feeling pretty good and feeling more like myself again.

A rough month

Whew!

Shortly after my last post, I had my temp bridge installed, 2 1/2 hours of misery in the chair. Then a whirlwind week of volunteer costuming and cosplay stuff and medical appointments for the kid. Then my temp bridge broke, and I got it fixed, and then it broke again, and then I got it fixed again.

I find dentistry physically exhausting. I have been so drained. Having difficulty eating and waking up in the night from pain haven’t helped.

Anyway I haven’t been eating well or exercising at all and my pants are getting tight and I don’t like it.

So here comes a ramble...

So much of my childhood was spent being told I was wrong/inadequate/etc. by people who were a) smugly self-righteous and b) unable to recognize the consequences of their own actions, and almost confused by their situation as a result. The hypocrisy in these people was astounding.

In early adulthood I ended up with a few friends who were similar—judgmental, unhappy, continually shooting themselves in the foot with their bad decisions—because that style of relationship was what was familiar. My comfort zone, even though it made me uncomfortable.

I also developed a bad habit of shrinking away from people/situations where criticism was a possibility (e.g. not wanting to go to the dentist for fear they’d yell at me for not coming in sooner). 

Sort of a pendulum between running towards those situations and running away from them.

Part of that is also getting hooked on trainwrecky internet people, and then eventually waking up that following the foibles of the unstable and un-self-aware is not serving me.

Thus my weird fascination with the body positivity movement. Which I’m not allowed to be part of because I’m not big enough, which I sometimes believe when I’m home alone in my room, but after decades of being called fat, that’s how I feel when I’m out and about and comparing myself unfavourably to everyone within sight. But I’m not supposed to do that because I’m supposed to accept myself for who I am, just pretend those decades of criticism never happened. 

I recently fell down this rabbit hole again—see above re not taking care of myself lately—and discovered the world of “midsize.” Midsize people are not supposed to call themselves fat, because that diminishes the experiences of actual fat people. But by not calling themselves fat, they are also perpetuating fatphobia by distancing themselves from “those people.” Contradictory? Yes, but both those conflicting ideas are from the same writer.

And not gonna lie—I love it! A weird part of me loves being told that whatever I do is wrong, because that’s what I grew up with! It’s my uncomfortable comfort zone!

Anyway just saying it all out loud here, because in order to stop falling into these habits that are bad for my mental and physical health, I need to recognize what is happening and why. So I can say, “Oh, I’m doing it again, I’m focussing on x because it reminds me of y, and that was an unhappy relationship that I don’t want to recreate.”

Anyway.

I’m back to trying to take care of myself, finding things that I can eat that won’t break my teeth. Today: banana and yogurt for breakfast; salad with shredded chicken thigh, chopped dried mango, carefully chopped and picked over walnuts, very thinly sliced celery, lettuce, and curry mayo for lunch; tonight will be a kind of gross looking but tasty concoction: nachos minus nachos, aka ground beef with avocado, shredded cheese, salsa, and sour cream. Only including a pic of the salad because it’s at least a little pretty.

Gear review: Brooks Women’s Dare Racerback Sports Bra

After years of running in squash-everything style sports bras, I finally got one with proper sizing - the Brooks Women’s Dare Racerback Sports Bra. Wriggling into this thing was a struggle! Comparing the back view of the 2.0 version, I think they heard that and made some changes.

Nevertheless, I have to say this bra is amazing! Nothing moves! I never realized how much bounce and shift I was putting up with before. S/M/L sizing just doesn't work for me. It’s kind of ridiculous when you're looking at a size chart for a bra that's totally non-adjustable, and they pretend that the same size will be fine for both a 30D and a 40A... no it won’t! So glad to have found something that has proper sizing, is adjustable, and holds everything where it belongs.

Chugging along

Managed to get back on track, sort of. We’ve had some major snowstorms here, which have made even walking outside difficult! But I managed to hit the half-way mark on my fundraising page, so that is something! 

In other news, I’m still tapping, and managed to conquer the dreaded Parks & Rec registration to sign up for tennis lessons, which start in April. Very much looking forward to getting different types of movement happening. It’s easy to just do the same old same old, but when I do do something different, I always notice how different it feels—because it generally means using muscles I never use normally (which means I need to use them more!).

Also, this is vain but my tennis skirt (which I bought to have something to wear to tap) is just so freaking cute, and I feel cute when I wear it. Gotta get my enjoyment out of life where I can!

Stopped running again

Argh, these last two weeks. Covid booster misery. Out of town (lots of other activity though! Hiking, swimming, high ropes...). Dental surgery. I am just exhausted.

Soon though, soon... 

Started running again

Needed some motivation to get moving, so I signed up for a 10k in May to raise money for cancer, in mum’s memory. 

So far the idea has been to run three days a week—Sunday, Tuesday, Friday—but I’ve not managed Friday yet. Once was evil cold (-23°c), and once... I’ll be honest, I was tired. But I had been out two nights in a row during the week (highly unusual for me), rode my bike both times, and had an hour of tap the night before. And I’m still at my goal weight, meeting all the other markers for general health, so it’s fine, I tell you, fine!

Not this again

Well it’s my own fault for ignoring my teeth for so long, but here we are.

I have an issue with an old root canal which led to an abscess. Specialist opinion needed.

And remember my braces? From 2010 when I started this blog? Well, I had a retainer wire this whole time, and it’s come loose. Which means it jabs me, and I have to try to bend it back out of the way to keep from slicing my own tongue to ribbons. And I have to be careful how I eat. Today I had soup for lunch with kale, and the kale got caught on the wire and pulled it out of place. Augh! The woe is never ending...

App review: Cronometer

Well in my last post a month ago, I reported on the untimely (or perhaps very timely) demise of my fitness tracker, Fitday. One person suggested I try Cronometer, so I installed it. Here are my thoughts so far:

I like that it has a website as well as an app. And it’s free (with the usual “upgrade now for more features” stuff). 

I like that it synchs with Strava, so I don’t have to reinput that info (or more likely, forget to reinput that info).

It has a seemingly enormous database of foods, which is actually more annoying than helpful. It’s aimed at people—specifically Americans and maybe Brits—who eat a lot of prepared and processed mass-produced foods. For those of us who cook from scratch, or shop locally for foods cooked from scratch, it can be tricky to sift through the mountain of brand names you don’t recognize. There aren’t a lot of generics. And as usual whole foods and “ingredient” foods are missing. Does the panettone artiginale I get from a local baker have the same nutrients and calories as the many grocery store versions? It tastes a million times better, so I’m guessing no.

It does have a “create a recipe” option I like, although you still run into the issue of being unable to find the right ingredients.

There are some glitches. For example, even though I entered a weight goal, and it shows up properly on the app, on the website it shows my goal as 0 lbs. That’s zero. Fitday allowed you to enter not just a goal, but a date to achieve it by, and if you entered something unrealistic/unhealthy, you’d get a warning message. Cronometer assigns a goal date based on your weight/other stats, doesn’t allow you to adjust it (that I can see) based on needs or preferences (maybe I’d want to get there more slowly, to make each day a little easier and daily goals more achievable!) and doesn’t warn the user that zero is an unhealth goal (which clearly it is, for anyone!).

So, it has its ups and downs, but so far is good enough. Maybe I’ll figure out some tricks or shortcuts to make it work better for me. We’ll see!