Oof oof.

Double post today because it is double plus ungood.

I considered not going to tango class tonight—have I mentioned tango yet? Let me back up a bit.

I decided to try doing a tango class this January. It’s a low-risk investment—close to home (City Dance Corps, where I took tap!), I’ve done it before so have some experience, only four classes and I got a discount, so inexpensive. I was really, really missing my tap classes—for mental health reasons as much as anything else, tap always boosted my mood—but no way would I survive that level of noise, speed, memory, and balance! Tango is more chill. The music is chill. The moves are chill (at least for beginners). So I started tango again, and it was great! 

The first week we just worked on the basic walk, transfer of weight, and leading/following. It felt like exactly the right way to get back into things. Basic steps, a partner to hold onto, and also good balance and proprioception work. The whole thing about following is listening with your body. Focusing on your posture, “maintaining your frame” by keeping your back long and upright, and your arms firm. Feeling where your partner is taking you, knowing where your feet are without looking, feeling when your partner transfers their weight and transferring your own accordingly. Feeling your body weight going down through your spine through your apex and into the floor. And—the joy of dance! The joy of being in a room full of people, held together with music and movement.

The second week we added salidas and rebounds. Salidas involve taking the basic walk and transfer of weight and making a pattern—back, left, forward, forward, right, transfer—with the leader choosing the tempo of steps to follow the tempo of music. The leader might also add additional directional steps as needed for traffic control (with everyone having different length strides and different speeds, we had a few narrowly missed collisions! Rebounds are very simple—basically the dancers gently rock back and forth, transferring weight from front foot to back foot without putting full weight on either, to “buy time” if the floor is crowded, or gently redirect the follower to a clear area. Very much listening with your body, transferring weight, feeling your balance, in the arms of your partner.

So this week. This week I was coming in late. I was feeling pretty zoned out after my crashout in the afternoon, and the 10-minute notification on my phone caught me off-guard. I considered not going. But I pulled on my boots, through my dance shoes in my bag, thinking about how good it felt the previous two weeks, thinking about how even if I started in a bad mood, I was always in a good mood by the end of tap class. A couple of other people were coming in late too, and we chatted as we shed our winter gear. And I stepped into studio three, and—they were doing ochos.

Ochos, without partners.

“Project your right foot forward, transfer the weight, and as you do, pivot your frame towards the mirror, then pivot on your right foot—”

Pivoting, on one foot. Without even a partner to hold onto. 

I tried, a couple of times. I just felt shakier and shakier. I should have know this was coming; I remember practising these moves at home with my hands against the wall, two years ago when I first took tango. 

(It occurs to me now, I could have tried to practise against a wall in the studio, but possibly the most irritating concussion symptom is slow processing speed—I never think of these things in the moment when they would be useful!) 

Anyway I quietly took my leave, hoping to go unnoticed. Another latecomer was arriving—taking his boots off, as I put mine on—and said, “Done already?” I explained about the concussion and the ochos and the balance and probably wasn’t very clear but was mainly focussed on not crying until I was outside on my own.

And then I got home to find the landlord had shovelled the basement entrance, and up to the wheelie bins, but stopped short of the steps so I still had snow to wade through. And this morning I got told off by the postal carrier for not having shovelled, but I just can’t. I still get pain in my shoulder from doing my physio exercises (basically lift your arm, hold for 5 seconds, lower slowly, 10 reps to the front, 10 in the scapular plane, 10 to the side) and Angus says it will be another few weeks before the inflammation in my rotator cuff has healed. 

But I look normal so I must be fine, right?

Just feeling so frustrated today. 

Oof.

Not a good day today. 

Had a team meeting which started out with an agenda but which went off on fifteen different tangents. I struggled to keep up and take notes, but the stuff I needed to discuss never got addressed because we ran out of time. They probably would’ve kept going, but I said I could not do more than an hour (yay self advocacy, do I get a gold star?) and my brain was short circuiting towards the end. 

Didn’t get to the gym as I had another meeting right after lunch, but went for a little walk at least. Second meeting, I just fell apart about five minutes in, and just thinking about it hours later makes me cry. Some days I feel almost normal and some days I feel like I’ll never be the same again. 

I guess I should follow up on my disability paperwork because this is just not working.

Anyway I took a little (longer than intended) break and had a herbal tea and a cookie, and another cookie, and in the end about nine cookies. I find overwhelm is followed by overwhelming appetite. And now I have no cookies left to eat. 

The last of the cookies, now all gone

Three-ingredient peanut butter cookies 

Ingredients:

1 cup peanut butter (all natural but with salt)
1 egg
¾ cup sugar (I used brown)

Directions:

Beat together peanut butter and egg.

Mix in sugar.

Form into 1” balls. Place on cookie sheet. 

Flatten in criss-cross fashion with a fork dipped in water.

Bake at 375°F for 10-15 minutes.

It’s déjà vu all over again

I’m doing Couch to 5k! Yes, the same running-for-beginners program I started thirteen years ago!

I decided that I need some kind of a framework to help me stay focused and see progress, and C25K seems as good as any. It’s straightforward, easy to follow, easy to modify (other times I’ve done it, I needed to repeat weeks as I built up my fitness, and I think the first time I tried it I only got to week four).

Thankfully, the treadmill at my gym has a setting for intervals, so it’s easy to do the walk-jog-walk-jog pattern that the early weeks follow. I’m experimenting with what speeds work for me (currently doing a 3.5mph walk and 5.5mph jog), and can always add a lil incline if feeling energetic. 

I have friends cheering me on too, which is such a comfort! Some days I feel like a total ding-dong with my baby steps—I’ve run a handful of 10ks, I should be better than this!—so having people cheer my recovery means a lot.

Now I’m feeling teary and I don’t even know anymore what’s a legit emotion and what is concussion-overwhelm… 

As much as it pains me to say it...

I am trying to go gluten-free.

Anyone who knows me, knows this goes against everything I believe in, i.e. that the greatest thing since sliced bread is toast. I love gluten. But some people say gf can help with concussion recovery, so I’m giving it a shot.

So far, I've been at it since Monday lunchtime (I had rye toast for breakfast). Have I noticed a difference? No. But my understanding from the anti-gluten faction is you need to give it a solid two weeks to see results.

And this week, again, has had ups and downs. But I want to go from ups to upper-ups.

My up this week: going to the theatre for the first time in months. Went to see Company, my all-time favourite musical. And I was okay! What I think helped: I was well-fed beforehand (salade niçoise with a massive fresh yellowfin steak), and my friend drove and hovered around me in the lobby beforehand, we got seated early, and I avoided the lobby altogether at intermission.

My down this week: tried—failed!—to go to Mandarin for lunch on Saturday. It was kiddo’s birthday, so I made the effort, despite my concerns (crowds, chaos). What I think hindered: I was already a bit tired and headachey (theatre meant I was late getting home, and chatting with kiddo kept me up further past my bedtime), the TTC was its usual failure of a self, with cancelled and rescheduled buses, and subsequent punctuality anxiety. Also, the paving at Eglinton station is just off. Instead of regular rectangles, it’s irregular diamond-shapes that made it feel like things were sliding off to the side even if the ground may have been level. Bad lighting in the station, feeling disoriented when we reached the street, and then a huge crush of people at the heavily-ornamented restaurant. Nope. I didn’t even make it as far as the table before I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

My next challenge: Friday I have tickets for Rachmaninoff at TSO. What I hope will help: being well-rested to start with, getting downtown early and having an early dinner so I’m relaxed and well-fed when I get to Roy Thomson Hall. I have a gift certificate for Earl’s, not normally my kinda restaurant, but being a chain it’s easy to suss out the gluten free options, so I can keep up the gf thing and still eat some good food (the gf dessert option is white chocolate crème brûlée!), and it’s a short stroll to the symphony from there. Do I dare to wear heels, which I have not since October? I guess the weather will decide that one.

30 grams of protein and no gluten 

Not a good day

Ugh. Yesterday was bad, today is not good either. 

Yesterday I tried to take the subway across town to meet a colleague from my congregation. That seemed doable when I planned it. But by the time I was on the subway, not so much. And then the subway, being the subway, had problems of its own. Service was halted, a train in sight, stopped in the tunnel instead of at the platform. There was an announcement about track work and a shutdown further east (just a few stops from my destination). Finally the train pulled into the station, but almost as soon as it started rolling, there was an announcement that it would be going out of service. We all exited at the next station, St George, where in addition to the high pitched metal-on-metal squeal of our train starting and stopping, there was the aggressive thundering rumble of trains on another platform overhead. 

It was all too much. 

I texted my colleague that I wouldn’t be able to make it, and went upstairs to wait 17 minutes in the cold for a bus back to my neighbourhood. But at least I could be outside in relative quiet. 

Anyway. 

Today I was hoping to see my doctor but they told me the wrong time so I have to go back Monday. And I emailed my work that I just can’t handle as much as they want me to do. And now I’m in bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon with a headache and nausea. 

I was so hopeful last week! Seems like a lifetime ago.

What my day looks like

There’s a lot going on.

Floor work for core strength (to help with balance) (I do some of these with my eyes closed to practise proprioception safely). Exercises for my shoulder. Cognitive exercises to improve my processing speed and memory. Sub-symptom threshold cardio for concussion. Sensory integration exercises. Stretching before bed as part of my better sleep hygiene routine (also good for shoulder mobility). Symptom journalling. Cooking and feeding myself (I’m supposed to avoid processed foods, so cooking from scratch, but can’t go to a grocery store without sensory overload, can’t carry much anyway, and can’t manage heavy cookware—you can bet I exploit my kid for stuff like putting the cast iron Dutch oven in and out of the oven for me when they’re around) (I also make my kid do laundry when they visit) a variety of nutritious foods rich in protein, choline, omega-3 fatty acids, and lots of cruciferous veg (which never seem to be in my Odd Bunch box). And of course there supplements for all the things I might be missing. 

Supplements and my daily checklist 

You might think, “What’s the big deal, you must have loads of time since you barely leave the house.” Yes and no. It’s true I barely leave the house. But I also go to bed early and still struggle to get up in the morning (which reminds me, I’m supposed to be starting CBT for insomnia). So, fewer hours in the day, and I’m working at reduced capacity for all of them. 

Occasionally I remember some of the things I ought to be getting done but am not, and feel further paralysed by my lack of productivity. Vicious circle! Maybe I’ll set myself an ambitious goal, like getting the dishes done before my kid comes home on Friday, just so I can say,  “Look, I did something!”

Mixed emotions

Feeling all the feelings right now. 

I had a real sense of optimism over the break. Reading about other people’s recoveries, making lunchtime cardio a regular habit (I even stepped up to a jog on the treadmill today), getting through a visit to Waterloo (which caused a major regression last time I tried). 

But I just got an email from my work about going on long-term disability. 

Which, I get it. Paperwork has its own timetable and it’s been almost three months (just typing that is depressing). But it’s like being told, “we don’t think you’re going to get better.” And that is depressing as hell. 

But also some of my intense emotional response to it might be due to the concussion itself. The overwhelm and crying, among my least favourite symptoms.

This morning I took “before” pics to add to the collection of progress pics I’ve posted over the years. Before as in, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” But now I’m just feeling down. And like Lucy van Pelt, I don’t want ups and downs. I want ups and ups. Why can’t I go from ups to upper ups?

Anyway, here are the today pictures, whether there’s an after for them to be before, only time will tell. 

My noodle arm