Too much to say

I really have too many things that I want to write down but I don’t have the energy for it.

Fracture clinic, physio, headaches, tinnitus, nausea, exertion, exhaustion, emotion.

Wish I had been wearing my fitness watch yesterday because I'm sure my heartrate was all over the place.

Tomorrow is a big work thing and it isn’t clear if I’m supposed to be in the office in the morning or can do remote until an afternoon event. I just checked my work email to see if there had been any instructions to make it obvious but it just says the meeting is on Teams although when that was sent my understanding is it was a “placeholder” and details would be forthcoming? I am not able to navigate lack of clarity right now so it’s really hard. I am so exhausted from yesterday I can’t face leaving home at 7:30 am to get to a meeting I might not even have to travel for.

Late night update because it just hit me

How much of my intense reaction to the horrible Dr Firdouse is related to memories his terrible treatment  of me brings back of the arrogant surgeon who misdiagnosed my mother’s cancer and put us through months of agony?

Just had a moment of anger at Dr Firdouse’s incompetence and realised it was the same anger I felt towards that surgeon. Both arrogant people who arrived at their own conclusions without looking at the actual patient. Ugh. 

I am generally a champion of our medical system, but like any system, it’s only as strong as it’s weakest link, and quacks like Firdouse are the weakest.   

Wow, that really knocked me off the rails.

My headache appointment with the concussion clinic today really set me off for some reason.

I suspect part of it is because I am still so wiped from yesterday—waiting for the streetcar that was super late, waiting at the fracture clinic, waiting for a bus that never came and eventually having to walk home carrying stuff—so I was starting at a low ebb. 

There was also frustration at realising I might be making my headaches worse by taking too much Tylenol—I was following with the orthopaedic surgeon at the fracture clinic said, but apparently the amount I had been taking is not good for more than maybe a week, and could be making my headaches worse. So, no more over-the-counter pain relief, unless I really, really need it, which is kind of daunting considering I’m starting physio tomorrow.

But the real kicker for me was when the doc started talking about other ways to keep headaches at bay, to allow me to sleep and rest and heal. There are some off-label medications, which mainly sounded like they would not be good for me. For example, there’s a high-blood-pressure med that can be a prophylactic for headaches—considering my blood pressure is already low (dropped down to 87/49 this summer), that would be terrible for me. Likewise a medication for treating tachycardia. My pulse doesn’t need to get any lower!

Then they mentioned Botox injections for headache. Just thinking about getting a needle to the face took me right back to the ER department and the horrible mean cruel Dr. Firdouse laughing at my pain. Just thinking about it now, I’m fighting back tears. I need to go through my emails and finish filing my complaint about that guy, but it’s just one more chore on the daunting to-do list and just thinking about the pushback and doubt and denial I’ll have to face makes it feel like an impossible task.

Anyway, after my appointment I had headaches and nausea and tears and I couldn’t face going back to work. Which means I need to log in tonight or tomorrow to finish stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.

Feeling annoyed today

It’s a combination of having to wait an insanely long time in the cold for the streetcar (24+ minutes when it’s supposed to come every 11), the boredom of the fracture clinic waiting room, and an irritating email, compounded by the fact that the waiting room boredom led me to follow links from the irritating email to a rabbit hole of stupidity about “body positivity.”

I’ve complained about body positivity before. Because it’s just another platitude, just another way to pick apart women’s bodies for being wrong.

So the annoying email was from a friend’s Substack (literally everyone I know has a Substack) about celebrities I am not familiar with who have lost weight, and why you shouldn’t criticise the individual but it’s okay to criticise the phenomenon, and then refers to the celebrities as “dumb-dumbs.”

Like really?

You want to be holier than thou about bodyshapes but if anyone doesn’t follow your rules it’s because they must not be very smart?

Stupidly I clicked a link (waiting! bored!) and started reading a whole bunch of articles attacking women for getting thinner, excusing themselves for their judgy behaviour because they are “unavoidable.”

The “celebrities” I haven’t heard of are “unavoidable.” I googled some out of curiosity (and boredom!) and some are very thin and some look pretty normal?

I also stumbled into a thread of women talking about how they’ve been skinny-shamed, and various hurtful comments received when dealing with weight change caused by illness.

Not gonna lie, the “body positivity” community makes me want to lose weight out of spite, the same way anti-smoking ads made me want cigarettes as a crabby teenager.

I am not a big social media user, especially lately, but when I think about what my “explore” tab looked like on my old Instagram, it was mainly local theatre productions, cycling, baking, and vintage clothing (especially knitting patterns). I started a new Instagram for a new project recently, and that explore page is all visual arts and small press literature.

Which makes me think—maybe the self-discipline issue isn’t about having the self-discipline to eat or exercise a certain way, maybe it’s about maintaining a healthy media diet? One that isn’t celebrities or influencers—including “body positivity” influencers—but instead people doing actual things that have nothing to do with bodies at all?

Maybe I would be just as fussed about weight if I spent my time looking at pictures of people obsessed with weight. But choosing to look at other stuff instead is the easiest thing in the world.

I won’t criticise someone for looking a certain way. I will criticise someone for making other people’s bodies the focus of their own existence.

My “explore” tab

ETA: It just occurred to me, my boredom hate-reading this morning probably messed up my search algorithms. I hate the internet.

A new beginning?

Today I did a tour of a (relatively) new gym in the neighbourhood: Dupont Fitness.

I had heard of them through their running club, who I did a couple of Saturday morning 5k runs with this summer. Being a 10-minute walk from home is key to me doing anything (especially now) so that was what initially drew me to look into them. Looking at their website, they seem to have a lot of natural light which is another big plus for me. Years ago I joined Planet Fitness (previously the nearest gym I think) but just the thought of going to a place decorated in purple and yellow with fluorescent lighting and a million TV screens and thumpy “high energy” music felt impossible. Dupont Fitness offers a free day pass if you do a tour,  and a reduced-fee membership if you only go in off-hours (during daylight hours basically, which is the only time I leave the house these days anyway), so I thought I would check it out.

Dupont Fitness: so pretty!

It’s really nice! I talked to Matt (the owner) about my specific needs and concerns. He showed me the equipment I might find most useful—not just a stationary bike, but a recumbent stationary bike—and told me about the other machines, the gym’s philosophy (chill vibe! no influencers! hanging plants!), the beautiful mural of Dovercourt Park, their music selection (more jazz and soul instead of EDM). 

I think this might work for me!

I did have a moment this afternoon where I worried, what will I wear? All my workout tops are pullovers. I can’t lift my arm enough for that; everything needs to be something I can step into or at least do up the front. I was actually googling “zip-front workout tops” when it hit me—cycling jersey. What I need is a cycling jersey. I have a dozen cycling jerseys leftover from the Friends for Life Bike Rally this summer (as an aside, it’s giving Tuesday, please sponsor me in the 2026 F4LBR!). I do not need to reinvent this particular wheel.

Tomorrow morning is fracture clinic; afternoon is GP to do some bloodwork. Friday is physiotherapy. 

And maybe Saturday is gym? I wonder if it will be too busy…

Noticing a theme

I was skimming over the titles of recent posts trying to remember if I had posted a particular recipe, when I noticed what seems to be a pattern emerging.

“Trying, trying too hard”

“The hard days”

“A lesson learned”

“Learning my limits”

Hmm.

Not that it’s surprising really, but there seems to be a lot of hitting walls. A lot of one-step-forward-two-steps-back. Trying things, and discovering that they were maybe too much.

That said, I am a lot better. I can walk almost as fast as a sleepy person out for a stroll. I can cross a street before the lights change! I can use my arm somewhat as long as I’m not lifting something that weighs more than a kilo. I don’t need to nap every day.

I am trying to be diligent about taking breaks before I think I need them. I think this is key (well, one of many keys) but it is so hard to do.  

Odd Bunch recipe: stuffed spaghetti squash

Part of the reasoning behind getting a veg box—aside from the obvious being unable to carry stuff or go shopping easily—is to challenge myself to eat a more varied diet instead of falling back on old standbys.

Spaghetti squash is something I enjoy when I have it, but rarely think of buying for whatever reason. In the past I’ve mainly done basic things like the classic roast, scoop, toss with garlic butter and goat cheese. Not having any goat cheese, I thought I’d look at recipes. I found one that used a couple of things I had on hand—Italian sausage, cherry tomatoes—and a couple of things I didn’t, notably kale. But, I did have broccoli. Close enough, right? It also was for a much larger number of people than I or my ingredients were suited for. So, I borrowed the inspiration, and made up my own thing.

Stuffed spaghetti squash

Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

Ingredients:

1 spaghetti squash
1 tbs olive oil
1 Italian sausage
1 broccoli crown
10 cherry tomatoes
Parmesan cheese 

Instructions:

Cut the spaghetti squash in half lengthwise and scoop out the seeds. Brush with olive oil and place cut side down on a baking sheet. Bake 35 minutes at 400°F.

Meanwhile, crumble the sausage and brown the meat in a pan. 

Cut the broccoli into florets and add to the pan. Add a bit of olive oil if it seems dry. Sauté a few minutes.

Slice the tomatoes in half and add to the pan. Pour ¼ cup of water in the pan and simmer until the water is mostly gone and the tomatoes have softened.

Flip over the roasted squash halves, fill the cavities with the sausage mixture, and sprinkle grated parmesan cheese over top. Return to the oven for 10 minutes to melt the cheese and make sure everything is hot through.