One week till race day!

Almost there! Had hoped to get a practice 10k under my belt in April, but just too much going on between my dental work and kid being sick and volunteering and work and everything else. Got 5k in this morning, but it's 10 full days (or more?) since I ran at all!

Me after a run

But I got through my 5k with no stopping, just have to do that twice next Sunday...

Still haven't reached my fundraising goal, which is frustrating. I know no one reads this blog, but if anyone is out there, please donate!

April is the cruelest month

Trying to get back on track again, has been very up and down over the last week or so.

✔ Fixed flat tire on bike 

✘Tennis cancelled 

✘Easter candy 

✘Dentist 

✘Kid sick

✘Birthday cancelled 

✔ Biked to theatre opening 

✘Kid sick again/still 

✔ Beautiful day for biking and walking 

✔ Kid better 

✔ Tennis starts!

✔ Glorious weather! 

✔ Outdoor grilling!

✔ Taught kid to fix their own flat tire 

✘Blustery weather returns 

Okay tallying that up... 8 ✔ vs 7 ✘. Just barely on the positive side of the balance. Good news is, I signed up for a group run tomorrow night, and snow is no longer part of the forecast. It might snow tonight, but should be gone by tomorrow. Crossing fingers...

Weekend update

5k run this morning. Felt really good! Temperature on the cusp of zero, but the sun was shining and birds were singing. My 10k is four weeks from today… yikes.

Overall this long weekend has been pretty good (although since I keep a four-day work week, it’s really no different for me).

Friday: fixed my flat tyre. Still need to install the new headlights and grips, but at least it’s rideable now. It feels so nice to be able to get around again. Baked honey cake and made onion rings for the first time (so good!). Rode my bike to tea with my cousins, later met a friend for a sauna and a drink. 

Saturday, tennis was cancelled (supposed to be my first lesson, boo) but met a new friend for hot chocolate, did some shopping downtown, got new running shorts (Uniqlo Airism) in the same grey as my Brooks bra, a couple of t-shirts for summer (realized last summer just how old and ratty my t-shirt selection had gotten), and a cute tank top. Picked up liver for dinner.  Did a tiny amount of sewing. Then went to the opera in the evening and was very good about going straight to bed without playing around on my phone (although I did bring cookies and milk). 

It was only this morning that I remembered that yesterday was my parents’ wedding anniversary. Previously that’s been a hard day for me, but this year was fine. And I realized that—subconsciously I suppose—the things I chose to do in the course of the day honoured each of my parents in their own way (sewing and liver for mum, opera for dad), and called them to mind without sadness while I was doing them. So that is a big improvement for me.

Have some feelings about my birthday this week, the usual “how am I this old and still single, no one will ever want me” routine. But I’m also feeling fit and strong today, and trying on new clothes (cropped tank top, at my age? I think it’s pretty cute, actually!) and meeting new people are both tangible reminders that I have new experiences and adventures to explore. I should probably take some progress pics again, it’s been a while.

Overall, feeling pretty good and feeling more like myself again.

A rough month

Whew!

Shortly after my last post, I had my temp bridge installed, 2 1/2 hours of misery in the chair. Then a whirlwind week of volunteer costuming and cosplay stuff and medical appointments for the kid. Then my temp bridge broke, and I got it fixed, and then it broke again, and then I got it fixed again.

I find dentistry physically exhausting. I have been so drained. Having difficulty eating and waking up in the night from pain haven’t helped.

Anyway I haven’t been eating well or exercising at all and my pants are getting tight and I don’t like it.

So here comes a ramble...

So much of my childhood was spent being told I was wrong/inadequate/etc. by people who were a) smugly self-righteous and b) unable to recognize the consequences of their own actions, and almost confused by their situation as a result. The hypocrisy in these people was astounding.

In early adulthood I ended up with a few friends who were similar—judgmental, unhappy, continually shooting themselves in the foot with their bad decisions—because that style of relationship was what was familiar. My comfort zone, even though it made me uncomfortable.

I also developed a bad habit of shrinking away from people/situations where criticism was a possibility (e.g. not wanting to go to the dentist for fear they’d yell at me for not coming in sooner). 

Sort of a pendulum between running towards those situations and running away from them.

Part of that is also getting hooked on trainwrecky internet people, and then eventually waking up that following the foibles of the unstable and un-self-aware is not serving me.

Thus my weird fascination with the body positivity movement. Which I’m not allowed to be part of because I’m not big enough, which I sometimes believe when I’m home alone in my room, but after decades of being called fat, that’s how I feel when I’m out and about and comparing myself unfavourably to everyone within sight. But I’m not supposed to do that because I’m supposed to accept myself for who I am, just pretend those decades of criticism never happened. 

I recently fell down this rabbit hole again—see above re not taking care of myself lately—and discovered the world of “midsize.” Midsize people are not supposed to call themselves fat, because that diminishes the experiences of actual fat people. But by not calling themselves fat, they are also perpetuating fatphobia by distancing themselves from “those people.” Contradictory? Yes, but both those conflicting ideas are from the same writer.

And not gonna lie—I love it! A weird part of me loves being told that whatever I do is wrong, because that’s what I grew up with! It’s my uncomfortable comfort zone!

Anyway just saying it all out loud here, because in order to stop falling into these habits that are bad for my mental and physical health, I need to recognize what is happening and why. So I can say, “Oh, I’m doing it again, I’m focussing on x because it reminds me of y, and that was an unhappy relationship that I don’t want to recreate.”

Anyway.

I’m back to trying to take care of myself, finding things that I can eat that won’t break my teeth. Today: banana and yogurt for breakfast; salad with shredded chicken thigh, chopped dried mango, carefully chopped and picked over walnuts, very thinly sliced celery, lettuce, and curry mayo for lunch; tonight will be a kind of gross looking but tasty concoction: nachos minus nachos, aka ground beef with avocado, shredded cheese, salsa, and sour cream. Only including a pic of the salad because it’s at least a little pretty.