Treating yourself

I started writing a discussion forum post and then I thought, “No, this needs to go on long enough that it should go on the blog.”

Struggling to think of treats for myself. My therapist gave me daily homework, and part of it is that after doing the hard thing, I’m supposed to reward myself. But I feel like I’ve been so bombarded with “rah rah selfcare” for the last few years that I can’t think of anything that feels like a reward that is feasible and I don’t do already. And I have all of these negative voices in my head saying “never use food as a reward because disordered eating” and “treat yourself is just a marketing scam” and variations on those themes, like whatever I choose for a treat, I’m gonna get scolded for choosing the wrong thing.

I remember when I was a teen, going through puberty with my fat dad making snide comments about me putting on weight, and figuring food treats could be a reward for exercise so it would all even out, and then my sister making snide comments about eating disorders. Could never win with those two! There was always a gotcha lurking around the corner, no matter what I did.  

I can’t believe I’m still carrying that baggage all these years later.

Intellectually I know I really need to say to hell with both of them. They were both more concerned with scoring weird ego points than anything to do with my wellbeing. But it’s hard to forget decades of conditioning. 

Maybe I start by reclaiming my treats.

Maybe I start by saying, I like good food and if I want that to be my treat, it’s fine, despite what the self-appointed diet (or anti-diet) experts say. 

And now I can’t stop remembering all of the people over the years who have chided me about diet/exercise despite having demonstrably worse health than I do. Why do I give their opinions any weight at all?

Part of my longstanding tradition of assuming everyone who disagrees with me is right, I guess. No matter how many times that proves not to be the case, it’s still my automatic reflex. 

Maybe that’s what I should be working on more than anything else.